Saturday Night Confused Thoughts

The night has fallen and the moon is high. I look outside my window and I see all the specks of light. I also see the fires that people start during summer. I hate that people feel the need to destroy Mother Nature. The flickering lights seem to fight against the fires but there's nothing they can do. The fires will soon swallow them up and families will lose their homes and property. I listen to the sounds outside... I hear a dog barking, crickets, a door downstairs banging. My fan keeps me grounded because I am so tired and weary I can barely take notice of what I am writing. I think, my friends, these are words of desperation. I fell uninspired, sad, powerless, frustrated. I want to leave this fowl place and never look back! The people here are absolute monsters! I try and I try... over and over... but I just can't deal with all this drama anymore. I wish I could just... I don't know... just open my eyes and awake somewhere else, as someone else and realize that this life is just a bad dream. But my bad bream is endless and overpowering. I shall only awaken when I die... I am not suicidal. I just gave in to what other people wanted for me. I just got too tired of chasing fucking rainbows and dreams I never had a chance to realize. I never had a chance in hell. So now I am this person I never wanted to be dreaming of the person I always wanted to be realizing that the person I was never thought that I'd be the person I never wanted to be... I just got lost along the way and took someone else's directions. And now I'm screwed (I so want to write "fucked" because that's how I feel... I've been fucked by the universe!). At least I can laugh about it and smile when I remember the (few) good days I had. I was happy once maybe I'll find happiness again. You'll never know...

...less

Nameless
faceless people
in a sea
of conformity

Tasteless
softless
mannequins
no one wins

Brainless
heartless
robots computing
brooding...

Shapeless
mindless
humans that run
what have they done?

Fearless
wishless
suicidal me
when will I be free?

The In Between

I've been having conversations with someone about "the one". Should we settle for second best? Or should we hold out for "the one"? Should we live in the in between or should we hope for the perfect love? I don't think I could ever settle for second best... actually I tried second best and I just felt bitter and empty. You can try to jam a piece of a puzzle which is missing the right piece but you'll never get that perfect fit and if you're like me you know you can't just let that puzzle be unfinished. I like to believe that there is a perfect someone out there for all of us... but if we keep settling for second best, if we keep moving into the in between, we'll never get our perfect someone because he's with his second best dreaming of you.

things we say... things we write.

Sometimes the things we write are the things we can't say. But what if we can't write what we want to put out there? What if the universe isn't ready for what we have to say or write? What I write is not a mirror of who I seem to be. The person that I am would never write what you sometimes read here. I am not a person who speaks up... I utter the things I think people want to hear from me. So I guess I don't say anything at all. I write what I feel. And it helps me deal with the messed up world around me. And if what I write touches someone out there through the vastness of cyberspace then I'll feel accomplished. What I say and what I write are two separate worlds even though what I write is what I feel and think... society keeps me from saying what I need to say. I've always been the odd duckling. I'll always be the odd duckling... but I'll be the odd duckling with writen words left behind... words that couldn't be said before. Words that need to be read and remembered. One day far from now I'll read all the stuff I wrote here on my blog and remember everything... a rush of feelings and of blood will flow through me and my memories will be mine and of the universe.

Dreams and Regrets

Some nights I dream of him... the one that got away. The one I let slip through my fingers because I listened to backstabbing "friends". I was young, full of myself, scared, confused... an emotional wreck. I purposely hurt him and pushed him away because of all my insecurities, fear and stupidity. I trusted people that weren't deserving of my friendship and let them tell me what to do and how to be. I lost the one person who ever really loved me. I lost the one. Some nights I dream of him... I dream how he forgives me and everything is alright. I dream of his kiss, his smell, his touch... and then I wake up and remember that he will never forgive me. I tried many times to make a mends. I never got a word... nothing. He despises me. And I don't blame him. I would despise myself... as I did for many years. I dream of him. I regret hurting him. I hope someday he'll forgive me. I've been punished enough and I think that maybe I got more hurt and sorrow than anyone deserves in life. I wish for forgiveness. I think maybe that's why I sometimes dream of him. He's the only one that never forgave me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him. I loved him... but I'm not in love with him. I long for his forgiveness. You see... I was a very different person back then. I was a very bad person. I was dooped by the friends I had back then. And then I just moved away from all their crap and decided to kick myself in the ass everyday because I thought I needed punishment. And so I just led this messed up life... meaningless... alone. And one day I guess I just opened my eyes. Maybe I opened them too late but at least their open now and I can see the past, live the future and dream of the future...

Tired of being lonely...

I don't post a lot of songs on my blog but I thought tonight I should try to fill my heart with... I just want to feel something. I've been empty for so long and I'm trying to... I really don't know what I'm trying to do or feel... I just now that I'm a shadow of the person I was or should be. I have no one to lean in close to but I am definitely tired of being lonely...

Angel of Death

The angel of death came to me in a dream last night. She told me to live now before she comes back for me. I don't know how long I still have left... nobody does. Our expiration date is unknown. And I guess it's better that way. A couple of years ago I went through hell with depression and I thought I was past that but lately I haven't been felling so hot. It's like I don't know who I am. I've never known who I was but the past couple of years I've been at peace... My heart was calm. But now... these past few days... It's like I come full circle. I am starting to doubt myself again. I still don't know who I am and that thought is slowly trying to break out of the back of my mind. I hear the clock ticking inside of me... I think of my life before and what it's like now. All the people I had... they all left. I guess the people in your life always leave. Friends... Family... and your left with a whole in your chest that you can't fill no matter how hard you try. But you have to try or there's no point to anything. I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I want to be myself. I want to be the person I always thought I'd be. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be me. I wish I knew how to be me. So I guess I'll take the Angel of Death's advice and live.... because you never know when your number is up and you expire...

HERE

aching breaking

crying sweating

screaming learning

sleeping waking

dreaming changing

drinking bickering

nagging going

coming seeing

acting feeling

lying dying

rhymes without reason

rain without season

drowning in thought

and feeling caught

in old loneliness

crumpled on my chest

time passing by

babies cry

people die

we all lie

they can't see

they're not me

I'm not living

nor grieving

I'm just...

...here.

Will you be my rain?

I am a teacher. And right now school is out for the summer (where have I heard this before? eh eh eh) but us teachers still have to come in to work and prepare exames for students that failed, take care of a whole ton of burocracy, try to enroll new students, and other stuff you might find boring. I'm taking a small break from burocracy to write this post. I'm in the teacher's lounge with my headphones on listening to a nice piece of music from the True Blood soundtrack (does the title of this post ring a bell? check it out on youtube... you'll be hooked). And this nice little song as got me thinking about my life and I just realized that the room was in slow motion and I was just gone for a few minutes. I was listening to the song and thinking of who would ever want to be my rain? Is there anyone I'd want to be my rain? Right now I could use a little rain... the weather is so hot and sticky I just want to dive in the river that flows near my house and live underwater like a mermaid. I know... rivers don't have mermaids. I'd be the first and only one. But living under the cool fresh running water would be so perfect now. I could drown out everyone else's comments... I could escape everything that brings me down. But when I'm done thinking of freedom and release I go right back to thoughts of love... and lack of it. I am 33 years old... about to turn 34. I guess maybe I had my share of romantic happiness. The song brings peace and helps me realize this. But it also makes me come to the conclusion that I'm not sure of anything. The only things I know for sure is that the moon shines down on me through the night and the sun rises the next day and the water keeps flowing and the rain comes and washes away the hot sticky weather and life goes on... with or without me.

How mental am I?

Sometimes when it rains it's like I can see my life passing by inside the raindrops... each of them carrying one vivid memory of my past and plays in slow motion so I can see over and over the mistakes I've made. I try destroying these raindrops between my fingers but millions more holding even deeper memories drop on my head, my face and the earth surrounding me. The earth is wet with memories... mine and other people's. Everyday I step on the ground thinking I'm stepping through my memories and the memories of others that echo through the ground trying to make themselves heard or seen. They cry fro forgiveness, sing songs of lost loves, howl words of vengeance... I close my eyes and try to drown them out with my thoughts. But sometimes the thoughts I think aren't my own. It's like I have the thoughts of a small village echoing inside my head in different languages but all understandable. Maybe I just have more than one inner voice to guide me but that's plain mad because most of the times they clash and I can't make up my mind. And so I am roaming this earth trying to destroy raindrops, running from voices that don't exist and avoiding reality and normalcy. But what is normal anyway? Where is it written that normal is being, thinking, acting like everyone else? If so I don't want to be normal and am glad I am the way that I am. I don't want much from life... I just want to be left alone in my room watching my horror movies and listening to Led Zeppelin wearing just my pajamas and flip-flops dancing around... going to work everyday and having a blast with my students. I wish I wouldn't feel inadequate around the people here in this town. It's like I'm living some sort of invasion of the bodysnatchers. But the deal here is that they've all been taken over by aliens. They're all so mechanical and conniving... their smiles remind me of Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons. And well people... that's how freaky my mind works... I start out with poetry, raindrops, the whole shebang and end with cartoon aliens. How mental am I? :)

I hope everyone has a great day, I'm off to work!