Dreams and Regrets

Some nights I dream of him... the one that got away. The one I let slip through my fingers because I listened to backstabbing "friends". I was young, full of myself, scared, confused... an emotional wreck. I purposely hurt him and pushed him away because of all my insecurities, fear and stupidity. I trusted people that weren't deserving of my friendship and let them tell me what to do and how to be. I lost the one person who ever really loved me. I lost the one. Some nights I dream of him... I dream how he forgives me and everything is alright. I dream of his kiss, his smell, his touch... and then I wake up and remember that he will never forgive me. I tried many times to make a mends. I never got a word... nothing. He despises me. And I don't blame him. I would despise myself... as I did for many years. I dream of him. I regret hurting him. I hope someday he'll forgive me. I've been punished enough and I think that maybe I got more hurt and sorrow than anyone deserves in life. I wish for forgiveness. I think maybe that's why I sometimes dream of him. He's the only one that never forgave me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him. I loved him... but I'm not in love with him. I long for his forgiveness. You see... I was a very different person back then. I was a very bad person. I was dooped by the friends I had back then. And then I just moved away from all their crap and decided to kick myself in the ass everyday because I thought I needed punishment. And so I just led this messed up life... meaningless... alone. And one day I guess I just opened my eyes. Maybe I opened them too late but at least their open now and I can see the past, live the future and dream of the future...