My Cage

The world impregnates me with thoughts of freedom and happiness... sometimes I have them at reach, so much that I can almost grasp them. But then she whispers in my ear and it all turns to dust and falls apart as I close my hands to hold on to any glimmer of hope or serenity... People plant the seeds of in my mind... seeds that start to grow and she kills with her winter cold words. In the place of her heart is a block of ice magically produced to never melt. The seeds die... but I create worlds where I roam wild and free just like the universe meant for me to be. I am an artist, a writer, a singer, a mother, a happy little piglet. I close my eyes and I'm there. I travel without moving. I visit places I long to see through books and websurfing and at night I dream them around me. Before I go to bed I sit at my window gazing up at the sky wondering if my life will always be this great big trap I built for me... this guilded cage she keeps me in to torture me at her will. I hide in the attic with my music and my writting but sometimes I just want to jump out the window. Other times I just want to disappear. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I just left. I can't quite reach the key to my guilded cage just yet. There is much more to endure, someone else to protect from her evil tortures. So I endure and one day it'll all come falling down on her like a ton of bricks and I won't be sorry at all. One day I'll earn my freedom and leave this prison I created for myself. It is all my own doing. So I accept it and live with the hope that one day I'll be free.

Allergic Bronchitis - part II

Well the doc told me to stay at home for the next three days and this time not go back to work so quickly. He also told me to stay out of the sun and to bundle up. But the truth is I am freaking hot! All I want to do is take cold showers and just sit in front of a fan or stick my head in the freezer! And I also have a splitting headache... the most splitting of them all! I also want to sleep but can't... it just won't come. But I'm already used to that. Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering when the shit will hit the fan. It's like I'm in some big-ass hellish waiting room just waiting to get stomped on. Squished like a little small hopeless and helpless ant. That's how I am feeling right now. In a blink of an eye my life can just come crumbling down like it always does. But the truth is... I don't know how much worse it can get. So... give it your best shot! I'm still fucking standing! I'm still here taking crap from everyone! BRING IT ON! I won't back down.

Allergic Bronchitis

I've been very ill lately with allergic bronchitis. My energy level is at it's lowest. I should be at home mending my sickly body but I am at work. Should I ask the doctor for some more down time? I had 3 days of confinement that nearly drove me crazy but now I am not feeling any better... actually I started to write this post yesterday and today I am feeling worse so I have an appointment with my doc again. I feel absolutely drained... mentally and physically. I just want to lay down and sleep for a whole year. This past year I've aged about 10 years! I am tottally destroyed. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I feel powerless and sick all the time. My brain feels like it might explode any minute. My chest hurts so much that it feels like an elephant is sitting on it. My back... well... my back aches whatever position I'm in. My legs tingle and hurt. My feet are as swollen as a proud father's head. My eyes aren't sparkly anymore... they are just surrounded by the darkest circles you can imagine. My hands aren't fast and steady anymore and I just lost all joy or will to do anything or whatever. I just want to sleep...

Turning a new leaf...

I have a hole inside of me... Throughout the years I tried filling it with all the wrong people and now I am just a broken shell of the person I used to be. I can't mend what I broke over the years... friendships, relationships... they're all just grains of sand that got blown away by the storm that was my personality. I pushed people away... I never knew who I wanted to be... I know I never wanted the be the person you all see. And now I am nobody. Just a ghost of the person I used to be wandering the world hoping for better days to come. I wake up each day, go to work and come home. I have no friends. I have no loves nor love interests. I am empty but longing to be filled again. Will that day ever come? I have no idea... but as long as I keep hoping my daily routines are somewhat bareble. I think maybe I need a plan... I need to take care of myself and think more about myself. I need to get out there and work hard on myself and on the person I want to be. I have to put aside my books and movies and breathe in the fresh (right now hot) mountain air and take a stand. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and live. Life is for the living... I spent so much of my life dancing with death, I was totally in love with it... thought it was so romantic. How stupid I was. I think all that is crap. Death is not romantic. Death is just Death. It's the end of your time to do whatever it is you came here to do. I don't want to leave without doing every little thing I'm supposed to do. I want to live! And I want to live well and find some measure of happiness along the way. I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on this new found - I have no word for it - resolution? yeah... I am putting this plan in to action and I shall prevail! I shall set small goals and achieve them. I shall mend my heart and my body. I shall bring back to life the fun outgoing ballsy person I used to be. That is now my plan. It'll be my mission!

The moon and I

The moon has betrayed me
It shows me what will never come
Maybe I just see what I want to see
The beating of a loud drum
Calling to me through the night
Whispering sweetness in my ear
But still keeping me from his light
I don’t know how far nor how near
He is taken from my sight
But yet I feel him, his breath
On my breast surrounded by light
That rejects the kiss of Death
I am his and his alone
Wherever he may or may not be
I am his empty golden throne
Waiting to be claimed or set free.
A single tear cuts through my face
The most painful tear of all
That keeps me stuck in this place
On my knees I do fall
And plead for Love to strike
To bring forth a strong soul
Both of us alike
To melt together in this world
Like the moon once promised
A love to echo through the ages
To stir passion in the soul most calmest
Immortalized on my simple pages…
The bell tolls for me
I can hear it in the wind
It’s wild and free
As I have always been.
In the end there is nothing
But the moon hanging high
And there is everything
Caught up in my sigh…

Heaven in your eyes

I dream of dreams
that are yet to come
where nothing is as it seems
and we all come undone
by thick waves of glitter
that suck me in deep
and spit me out bitter
I pray to fall deeper into sleep
into other layers of madness
roaming happier riding rainbows
leaving behind all this sadness
that I drown nightly on my pillows
secrets hidden well within
but brought forth by my eyes
through a hole of a pin
cutting through all the lies
people like to spread
they relish your pain
they love your blood flowing red
blood that they try to drain
leaving you merciless on the floor
looking up bare and humble
staring at the closing door
as your whole world crumbles...
I leave all that behind
and open my eyes to a new scene
I feel the warm sun on my skin
my memories wiped clean
and there's no wrong nor sin
only safety in your arms
only peace, only smiles
only the warmth of your charms
only heaven in your eyes...

Untitled part II

as darkness falls
so do I...
as death calls
I wonder why
time slips
as rain
makes you trip...
I look back
and see nothing
I look back
and want everything
that I never had
I want you...
I wanted you so bad
and never had you.
I did once
but the world
made you lost
and my soul
that you shatered
when you left
like I never mattered
a victim of a theft!
You stole my heart
and never gave it back
you tore me apart
like I was a snack
As Death comes
I close my eyes
and my life's sums
and all of my ties
are broken pieces
of a heart never mended
after a thousand new kisses
my love for you never ended...

Alone

I wish you could taste my thoughts
See what I feel
Hear what I dream
Touch what I see
Feel what I hear
Eat up what I say...
If you look long enough
you can hear the screams
that echo in my mind
you can smell the blood
that pours out of me
through words...
You could taste the tears
I shead at night
quietly in my bed.
You could hear the ocean
if you put your ear to my chest...
Silent pain reflects in my mirror
everyday of my life
My eyes are the windows
to emptiness and sadness...
I could stretch out my arms
and hold a million people
and still feel alone...
There is no love.
there is no one...

we are not gods!

I long for silence... the voices in my head are growing stronger and angry. It used to be easy to control such thoughts but now I am weary and cannot contain them much longer. I want to cry out agains unreasonable people that always try to put me down. I want to yell at my father so he can wake up and open his eyes. I want to scream at myself for not taking care of my body and soul. I want to shout at the world for it's constant pouring of evil into all of us. All we do is buy, buy, buy! We buy all sorts of things we don't need. We give in too easily... we give in too fast. When will we stop to look at the beauty that surrounds us? When will we put away our wallets and stop trying to buy the world? When will we realize that we are not gods?

I am sure that I am not a God and I know I won't live forever. I want to live! I want to experience all that the world has to offer. I want to be mother, teacher, daughter, lover... but love keeps slipping through my fingers like sand in a desert... I keep running towards it furiously but I just keep finding illusions... oasis... not true love. It's the one thing I don't have and it's the one thing I ache for the most. I ache for it... At night when I close my eyes to sleep and darkness seeps in I dream of a love that even time would lie still for. A god would have been able to make such miracles happen... so therefore, I am not a god. I am not even close... death will take me one day... sooner or later we all dance with Death. We cry, we try to reason with it but in the end Death takes us all... we fear it because we don't understand it. We fear it because we think it's the end of our world and our god-like status (for those who think of themselves as gods). Many fear it because they think (know) they will be sent to the deepest pits of hell. I don't fear hell because the life I am living now is the worst hell I could ever dream up for myself. I think that death is only the beginning... of what I don't know. But I like to think that all my ancestors are waiting for me and will greet me with such love that I've never known before. A tear comes to my eye just imagining such love being showered upon me. Don't get me wrong... I am not in a hurry to die. I have yet much to accomplish and much to suffer. I have much to live for and can't wait for the next chapter. Every year is a chapter... the days are pages. And my life is a book. And this blog contains some fragments that will live on here in cyberspace.

Lost In Thought

Lost in thought
the ghost in you
gets caught
in a night of blue

searching for happiness
as I have sought...
escaping madness
and avoiding doubt

No sorrow nor pain,
No love nor winning,
No loss nor gain,
life is just living...

The world is deserted
as our two bodies melt
I think how I yearn for it
and this lust I never felt

takes over my being
and burns me inside
I surrender to you smiling
like an innocent child...

And falling asleep
safe from all harm
never felt so sweet
here in your arms...