My Reflection

I love this piccture I took of the tiles that remember the great spanish poet Don Manuel Machado. The mirror on the lower right corner captured my reflection. :)

Baked Goodies from Seville

This is a nice traditional bakery I found downtown Seville and just fell in love with all the baked goodies I saw on display. :)

Gone and back again

Hey everybody!

I went to Seville in Spain for a couple of weeks on an exchange program. I loved the city! And during Holy Week! The spanish people take Holy Week very seriously!

I went for a couple of days... experienced all I could experience (and tolerate... I'm not big on clubs or crappy music). I went to a live flamenco bar! It was my favourite experience! I walked those streets everyday for hours just taking it all in. But sadly, even surrounded by so many people of so many different places (there were many tourists around) I still felt alone.

So that's that... I went and now I'm back home. Still the same sad little girl hoping for better things to come. Hopefully the things I long for are not far ahead... :)

Santa Maria de la Sede Cathedral - Seville

Cathedral Ceiling

FREE

I wish I could fly

way up high to the sky

grab a shinning star

put it in a glass jar

bring it down with me

for the world to see

it's fading beauty

but then I'd set it free

so it woun't turn into me

a zombified shadow

so small and hollow

of the person I used to be

the one that smiled

like a small child

the one who had dreams

and a life of schemes

the opposite of this shell

empty, hollow and unwell.

There's no where else to hide

I am dead inside.

Maybe I'll revive

and learn to survive

if purpose is found

to keep me bound

to this cruel existence.

At a distance

I can see you there

happy and fair

smiling and waving

walking but not moving

a glimpse of hope

that helps me cope

with this misery

being set free

by the one I dream of,

and by love!

Some more good advice...

Good Advice...

Laugh as much as you breathe & Love as long as you live...

Everything is Illuminated... still smiling!

I was watching the movie "Everything is Illuminated" today for like the nth time and only today it hit me... the thing Alex writes to Jonathan telling him how everything is illuminated by our past and that is what connects them... that small piece of wisdom touched me. I guess you might say I was illuminated by it. Something just lit up inside me and I knew. I don't quite know what it is exactly that I know... but I know. I know what he meant about the past illuminating our present and our future and how it connects us all. What I did, say, felt and experienced in my past made me who I am today thus affecting everyone who I come in contact with. But what about how people perceive each other? Does that come into the equation? I would have to say that it does... the way people see me affects their interaction with me. So I guess that's why sometimes I act a bit like a mumbling idiot so that the people that I should stear clear of leave me alone and not include me in their daily bashing habits. You see... I live in a small town where everyone likes to talk smack about everyone. This saddens me. Why should people waist precious time talking bullshit about each other? Shouldn't they focus on what really matters? Like their fucking jobs? Why would they criticize everyone else's going ons when they themselves are doing a shitty job? I cant understand this... Why are people so mean? Why can't they just live and let live? I guess some people like to feel like they're the center of attention. Some people need all the drama they are used to see on TV during their soap operas. This town is sooooooooo frustrating! The people here are mean and devious and they only talk to you if they want or need something from you. The mountains are nice and the fresh air is good but the weather sucks and I miss the sea. I miss the sea so much! Figures the world crisis would fuck up my life. LOL! At least my sense of humour is intact! You can take away everything from me... except my sense of humour and of course my soul. I will always prevail! So screw you Universe! Screw you destiny! I'm still smiling!

Last day of the month

Today is the last day of February... I don't quite know why but I am feeling a bit restless. The weather is kind of weird... it's like it hasn't made it's mind up... it doesn't quite know if it should rain or shine. I don't know what to do either... about anything! I don't know if I should by a new car or not... I don't know if I should go away for the weekend or not... I don't know if I should move out of my parents' house or not... I don't even know how to be! I don't quite feel like myself... I am starting to think I never knew who I really am. Existencial crap like this is starting to affect me and my hability to be in synch with myself. Reality is not what I expected. The real world keeps biting me in the ass. The truth is that nothing turned out like I planned. Abdolutely nothing! Is that karma? Or just bad choices? I guess I'll never know for sure... All I know is that I have to wake up everyday and live. And so I do... Does it take courage? I don't know... it is what it is.

someday...

I woke up this morning thinking about a song I haven’t thought about in a long time. In fact, this song is part of a movie soundtrack. The movie is P.S. I love you. That particular movie made me cry like a little bitch. The movie is great but the song I already knew. I’ve always liked the Pogues… ever since I can think of myself has a person. That song hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time and yet this morning there it was… picking at my brain… making me feel… feelings I had locked safely in a small box… but like Pandora taught us, nothing can be kept locked in a box forever… things always come out. Even feelings. Even my feelings. I had to teach myself not to feel. And I had succeeded so well that I started to think of myself as a robot or some sort of invisible being. But now… this morning… this song… it brought a flood of emotion and I can’t stop it. I want to cry, laugh, scream, whisper all at the same time! I want to close my eyes and feel someone touching my cheek… I want to feel someone’s fingers through my hair. I want to feel! I want to feel something! Anything! Why am I so scared of feeling? I know it’s stupid… but I’m scared the same thing will happen again. And what is that thing? The thing is I always allow myself to feel… and that feeling grows… and it grows… and it grows… and the other person doesn’t feel… the other person is just having fun… and then I implode and end up in pieces. I don’t think I’ll be able to put all the pieces back together again this time. I already lost so many pieces… I guess that’s why I am staying in the shadows. But I’m sure I’ll feel again. Maybe not now… maybe not next year… but someday. :)

Sometimes you need an extra sink... LOL