I'm holding out for this... and I won't take anything less!

loneliness...

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I was depressed... at first I thought I was depressed because I am alone. But when I got home from work and listened to some music I soon realized that I am depressed because I am lonely. I am always surrounded by people but I feel like I am the only person in the world. I gave up on love a while ago. I know that there is no one out there for me. How could there be? I am so out of wack that even I know it'll be impossible to find my match. But it's all good. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is having no friends. That's the hole I am desperately trying to fill. But how can I make friends when all the people here are so diferent? Actually... I'm the odd duckling around these parts: I wear tshirts and jeans... and docmartens. I listen to rock n' roll. I love horror movies. I like to talk about technology. My computer is an extension of my body. I love playing guitar and singing. I like to hang out and tell dirty jokes while drinking mojitos or some other nice little alcoholic drink. I don't drink and drive though. I always get someone to drive me home or I just stay in and have friends over... actually, that was before I moved to this God forsaken town! How can I make any friends if all the people here look down on me? I am not interesting to them and neither are they interesting to me. So I stay home... I surf the web and do my own thing... by myself. Thus the loneliness... I have to get away for a weekend... SOON! I'll have to plan that out with my sister. She still lives in my old town. It is so painful that I couldn't find a damned job back there... but it was a choice between making something of myself or just scrape up what little money I made jumping fro job to job... it was an easy choice - I chose to make a life for myself in a town I hate. Maybe someday I can retire and move back to the city by the sea I love and miss so much. In the meantime, I have vacations to look forward to. I have to start planning monthly visits too. I can't live like this anymore. I am starting to feel like a robot that's about to lose meaning. I feel like I am starting to lose relevance and slowly turning invisible. I guess friends make everything better... and I miss my friends.

See...

...misterious misery fell upon me
my life is not my own anymore
I look back and a broken door
that leads to a distant memory
is all I can see...

I am not where I want to be
I am not who I am
I am one of the damned
What they see is not me
but it's all they are able to see...

The night in me is now dawn
Day will never again come
Because the day is also gone
playful night and warm sun
are both taken from me
But no one else can see...

The fire in me is put out
I am weary, tired
and cannot shout
I'm no longer wired
that's what life's about
and only now I can see...

From my ashes nothing shall rise
because people don't chase myths
All I have left is a slow demise
a memory of wanting bliss
is all I want to see...

I am the walking dead
my body lives but my spirit dies
the memories kept in my head
echo in my silent cries
you can see them in my eyes...

Heart...?

People say that home is where the heart is... what if you're heart is somewhere else? What if you live in a place that you hate surrounded by people you have nothing in common with? That is the case with me... I hate this town I live in. It's beautiful and peaceful. But the people here are always trying to come up with new and improved ways to screw you behind your back... they're regular backstabbers. They're also very fake. They smile at you in the hallways and then talk smack about you behind your back. I've seen this first hand. I am a very low profile person and sometimes people don't even notice I'm around and I hear really nasty stuff... then I start to wonder if and what they say about me behing my back. It really saddens me that people need this kind of shit to make theur lives mean something. I wish I had at least one friend around to talk and hang out with because sometimes I feel like I might just snap!
I know you will say that there are those type of people everywhere... but the thing is... I really don't belong here. Everyone sets me aside and hardly anyone wants to sit with me. I feel like the really fat kid that gets picked last for soccer teams during gymn class. I feel like a freaking piñata at home because my mom just looooOOOOooooves to take it out on me and point out all my past faults. Like she doesn't have any. She's always been a sloppy mom and always made me feel like crap. She still does that. I just let it slide and pay no attention to the crazy lady. She's not even coerent anymore. But the damage is done. When she did seem coerent in her ramblings she made me feel useless and so I acted so. It took me a while to realize she was wrong and that everyone has worth. For so long I treated myself like crap because I believed her. Now that is over. I have moved on and am so over all of my mom's ramblings. Now all I feel is loneliness. My friends were all left behind. And we always say we'll be in touch and that we'll visit... but we all now that never happens because life goes on and our busy schedules just makes us forget about who is no longer around... I guess that's why they say "out of sight, out of mind".

So... I guess what I'm saying is that my heart is miles away. That means that I have a hole inside of me and if you put your ear to my chest you'll probably hear the ocean... because that's where my heart is. It belongs to the city by the sea...

Happy New Year?

A new year is upon us and the first thing I realized is that the prices of basic needs went up... they sky-rocketed so high up that I got whiplash and vertigo! Gas, milk, bread... all the prices of these goods went up. So... are we suposed to stop eating and going to work? Yeah, because if either of us can afford gas to go to work or bread to eat or milk to feed our children what are we to do? Are we all to live under the bridge praying to God to deliver us from all this madness?

I mean... we literally work ourselves to death, have no recognition from anyone, some of us are treated like crap (by employers or our families) and still we have to put up with the government over-taxing us and other companies over-billing us... and now... now we can barely aford bread, milk or gas to drive to work. I really don't understand any of this!

Our children are turning into bumbling idiots and have no interest in anything. They don't care for anything. All they do is watch TV, play their PSP's and computers and wallow in stupidity. I have yet to see a young person on a bus or train reading a book. None of our young can even spell correctly. They can barely read. They have no manners or opinions. They don't think for themselves. All they do is emulate the idiot box. Turn off your damned TV's and talk to your kids. Teach them how to think for themselves! An education is the most powerful tool you can give your children and that's why the world is set on stupifying the masses so that they will never be aware of what's really going on. This next generation is the generation of dumbasses and it really pisses me off that no one seems to care. I will not stupify my kids (I only have the one) and I refuse to let him be raised by the idiot box! I will nurture his thoughts and answer his questions and I will feed his brain and teach him how to think for himself. WAKE UP! Your kids are being turned into cavemen! Is that what you want?

We act and talk and behave a certain way to please society and what does society do for us? Absolutely NOTHING! So, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all of you. My only wish is that the masses that are asses open their eyes and start acting like normal people that think for themselves. We are ripe for revolution!

Whole Again

The ripples from the past are closer

surrounding me I have no where to run

I am but a fading echoing ghost of her

the vibrant girl that was a scalding sun

Now this fading version with nothing to say

hides up in her concrete tower of memories

popping pills to dream herself away

hiding from everyone else's needs

Wishing reality to be just a nightmare

waking up back where she was before

hoping for her entire life to be just a scare

longing to open an imaginery door

and find herself on the other side

where all is perfect and normal and pure

where no one has to pretend or hide

where the once fading ghost returns to her

and she can hold her head up with pride

and be whole again...

Speed of Thought

There is nothing faster than the speed of thought...

Merry Xmas...

I have some thoughts I want to share. I woke this morning thinking all kinds of thoughts... just like I usually say: "there's nothing faster than the speed of thought...". So I woke up this morning thinking why the priests in our churches (for those of you that are catholic, of course) ask us to give food and clothes to the poor and pass around the money baskets... Why should we fill the Vatican's pockets? Does the Pope need another freaking first class jet to fly around the world? Does he need another golden cross? Does he need another silk robe? Does he need another palace to live in? Or does he need egyptin cotton sheets to lie in? Along time ago Jesus got mad and told all the merchants to leave the temple... he said: my Father's house is not a place of business! I guess the Vatican forgot about that because all the churches are again places of business... even though subtle. People! Put away your best sunday dress! You don't need to go to church and vomit words you don't understand! That is not prayer! You don't need to empty your pockets to fill the churche's... Where does all that money go? If the Vatican gave 10% of what they own the world's crisis would be averted! Why does everyone forget about all the pedophile sick twisted adulterous priests? You don't need an intermediary to talk to God! I don't think God meant His disciples to fill their pockets with gold in His name! Do you? The Vatican witholds the truth from us because they are greedy and need to fill their pockets with OUR hard earned money. Jesus left behind in his written word: "Split a piece of wood and I am there... Lift a stone and you will fine me..." - In my opinion, this means that you don't need to go to church to "talk" to God... and you most definitely don't need to vomit the same words over and over! Don't you think God would get bored of listening to the same words over and over vomited by thousands of millions of people? And you wonder why He does not listen to you... Talk to Him from the heart... it is the best medicine ever. It lifts your spirit! The vomited words bring me no confort at all but when I talk to Him I feel better... and I don't need to go to church to do that. I urge you to do the same... Think for yourselves and don't let other people tell what to believe in or what to think.

I love sarcasm...

SFW?

I am eating a banana - yes I am being somewhat sarcastic towards this whole Facebook posting thing... everyone posts what they're doing, tweets what they're thinking, blog to moan and complain about anything and everything... And I am just another dork amist the "posting" masses that never put down their mobile phones or let go of their computers... the world is literally going to (pardon my french) shit! Our kids are growing up obese because they sit on their asses watching their LCD TV's or playing their stupid PSP's, we're all too busy to educate them properly, we're all getting brain cancer from being on the mobile phone too long... from inhaling unheathy crap (cigarrette smoke, gasoline fumes, etc)... we are killing the Earth but we are also killing ourselves slowly... we are the biggest IDIOTS that ever lived (yeah, even with all the god damned knowledge floating around in the internet we are STUPID... it's pathetic!). How can it be that MAN supposedely the most intelligent being on the planet is such an IDIOT? Have we learnt nothing? Cancer, HIV, etc... and still we smoke and have sex with strangers. I guess MAN has some sort of sick death wish. Hey guys! I'm not part of your group! I want to live! I love to watch butterflies flapping around! I love watching kittens at play with their mother! I love watching babies trying to say their first word without coughing up some funky weird substance because you stupid fucks can't quit smoking. Hey... I was a smoker... I smoked for many years. But why? I can't even begin to explain why... was it to look cool? Was it because everyone else smoked? I even told myself it was to reduce stress... I also told myself at one point that it helped my writting... but guess what? I quit smoking and still I write... So I am proud to say that I WAS part of the IDIOT group but I broke away. And now I am writting this hoping that even ONE person reads it and realizes that you don't need a cigarrette in your hand to look cool or badass... you don't need it to reduce stress... and you most definetily don't need a cigarrette to help you write or think or study or whatever... What you do need is to QUIT SMOKING! NOW! Your life depends on it! Everyone's lives around you depend on it! Stop being an IDIOT! Just chew on some piece of candy... or... eat a banana! Stop being part of the SFW? crew... Because life and everything else matters... You matter! I matter! The world matters! Wake UP!