Whole Again

The ripples from the past are closer

surrounding me I have no where to run

I am but a fading echoing ghost of her

the vibrant girl that was a scalding sun

Now this fading version with nothing to say

hides up in her concrete tower of memories

popping pills to dream herself away

hiding from everyone else's needs

Wishing reality to be just a nightmare

waking up back where she was before

hoping for her entire life to be just a scare

longing to open an imaginery door

and find herself on the other side

where all is perfect and normal and pure

where no one has to pretend or hide

where the once fading ghost returns to her

and she can hold her head up with pride

and be whole again...

Speed of Thought

There is nothing faster than the speed of thought...

Merry Xmas...

I have some thoughts I want to share. I woke this morning thinking all kinds of thoughts... just like I usually say: "there's nothing faster than the speed of thought...". So I woke up this morning thinking why the priests in our churches (for those of you that are catholic, of course) ask us to give food and clothes to the poor and pass around the money baskets... Why should we fill the Vatican's pockets? Does the Pope need another freaking first class jet to fly around the world? Does he need another golden cross? Does he need another silk robe? Does he need another palace to live in? Or does he need egyptin cotton sheets to lie in? Along time ago Jesus got mad and told all the merchants to leave the temple... he said: my Father's house is not a place of business! I guess the Vatican forgot about that because all the churches are again places of business... even though subtle. People! Put away your best sunday dress! You don't need to go to church and vomit words you don't understand! That is not prayer! You don't need to empty your pockets to fill the churche's... Where does all that money go? If the Vatican gave 10% of what they own the world's crisis would be averted! Why does everyone forget about all the pedophile sick twisted adulterous priests? You don't need an intermediary to talk to God! I don't think God meant His disciples to fill their pockets with gold in His name! Do you? The Vatican witholds the truth from us because they are greedy and need to fill their pockets with OUR hard earned money. Jesus left behind in his written word: "Split a piece of wood and I am there... Lift a stone and you will fine me..." - In my opinion, this means that you don't need to go to church to "talk" to God... and you most definitely don't need to vomit the same words over and over! Don't you think God would get bored of listening to the same words over and over vomited by thousands of millions of people? And you wonder why He does not listen to you... Talk to Him from the heart... it is the best medicine ever. It lifts your spirit! The vomited words bring me no confort at all but when I talk to Him I feel better... and I don't need to go to church to do that. I urge you to do the same... Think for yourselves and don't let other people tell what to believe in or what to think.

I love sarcasm...

SFW?

I am eating a banana - yes I am being somewhat sarcastic towards this whole Facebook posting thing... everyone posts what they're doing, tweets what they're thinking, blog to moan and complain about anything and everything... And I am just another dork amist the "posting" masses that never put down their mobile phones or let go of their computers... the world is literally going to (pardon my french) shit! Our kids are growing up obese because they sit on their asses watching their LCD TV's or playing their stupid PSP's, we're all too busy to educate them properly, we're all getting brain cancer from being on the mobile phone too long... from inhaling unheathy crap (cigarrette smoke, gasoline fumes, etc)... we are killing the Earth but we are also killing ourselves slowly... we are the biggest IDIOTS that ever lived (yeah, even with all the god damned knowledge floating around in the internet we are STUPID... it's pathetic!). How can it be that MAN supposedely the most intelligent being on the planet is such an IDIOT? Have we learnt nothing? Cancer, HIV, etc... and still we smoke and have sex with strangers. I guess MAN has some sort of sick death wish. Hey guys! I'm not part of your group! I want to live! I love to watch butterflies flapping around! I love watching kittens at play with their mother! I love watching babies trying to say their first word without coughing up some funky weird substance because you stupid fucks can't quit smoking. Hey... I was a smoker... I smoked for many years. But why? I can't even begin to explain why... was it to look cool? Was it because everyone else smoked? I even told myself it was to reduce stress... I also told myself at one point that it helped my writting... but guess what? I quit smoking and still I write... So I am proud to say that I WAS part of the IDIOT group but I broke away. And now I am writting this hoping that even ONE person reads it and realizes that you don't need a cigarrette in your hand to look cool or badass... you don't need it to reduce stress... and you most definetily don't need a cigarrette to help you write or think or study or whatever... What you do need is to QUIT SMOKING! NOW! Your life depends on it! Everyone's lives around you depend on it! Stop being an IDIOT! Just chew on some piece of candy... or... eat a banana! Stop being part of the SFW? crew... Because life and everything else matters... You matter! I matter! The world matters! Wake UP!

No one left...

There is no one left to whisper in my ear. No one left to hold my hand. No one left to watch me sleep. No one left to hold my hair when I'm drunk. No one there to smoke a joint with me while listening to old rock classics. No one there to watch a scary movie with. No one there to play guitar with. No one left to laugh at my stupid jokes. No one left to tell me I put on different colored socks. No one to hold me when I cry. No one to scream at when I'm mad. No one to go out to dinner with. No one to boss around when I'm feeling bitchy. No one to smile at me. No one to listen to my weird ideas or see my doodly drawings and call them genius! No one to sleep with. No one to talk to. No one to "text". No one to email. No one to talk about. No one to be a friend. No one to kiss. No one to touch. No one to grow old with. No one to love...

Me and the sea...

I dream the dream of the sea. A dream of slowly cutting through the dark cold waters of the sea that washes the shores of the city that made and broke a girl that now, as a woman, still hasn't figured out who to be... Or maybe a dream about diving in blindly in the warm and wavy waters of the sea that bathes the beaches of the city that made possible the reinvention of a girl scorned by friends and family... Or maybe a dream about a girl standing still watching the waves crash on the sand while everyone else is moving and living... everyone is moving forward while she is stuck in one place unable to move. Stuck in time aging, living but a ghost! Maybe a dream about a girl asking the city by the sea for exile as her brown eyes reflect the tears brought by pain from what seems to be a previous life. Pain caused a lifetime ago by people that are now happily lying in the sun anf having fun... there is no justice for this girl which ever dream I dream. This girl whoever she may be standing still by the sea moves only in thought. She closes her eyes and she travels to imaginary places... magical places! Places worthy of an Avalon title. Maybe even travels to Avalon itself! But she still is unable to enjoy the beauty of such places because she is missing one half of herself... She knows she can't keep her eyes closed eternally. She can't keep them closed much longer. She can't keep moving between realities. Still... she is afraid to open her eyes because maybe then she will realize that she will always be alone standing by the sea staring at the water crying salty tears for something or someone that will never come... Or maybe... just maybe she'll hear the words: "open your eyes!" uttered by a sweet deep voice that she'll recognize even though she never met the person before. Open your eyes... smile... live! When?

I rest in pieces...

I rest in pieces

To live free
And sleep late
To feel the sun
On your soft face
To kiss and feel
As a hormonal girl
That knows not what’s real
And still has faith in the world
To feel his touch on her skin
For the very first time
Even though believed a sin
takes her beyond sound or rhyme...
Her first heartache
Drove her near madness
She learnt then hearts break
And discovered sadness…
She became the bringer of pain
Hurting anyone and everyone
A bitch gone insane
But inside a soul undone…
Moving away was no good
Trouble and pain followed
Never did what she should
Always swimming in sorrow…
She never wanted to be herself
She always wanted to die
She never asked for help
But somehow was kept alive.
A piece of soul taken each year
Now a soulless vessel feasts
At celebration of fear
As I rest in pieces…

Emptiness

I am empty... I am surrounded by emptiness... I am emptiness itself. I have lost my hability to feel. I feel nothing. I eat, sleep, ear, breathe, talk... but I can't feel anymore. It's like my soul left me. It's like everyone I ever met slowly plucked away at my soul and now it's gone. Nothing's left but this empty shell of a body... a shadow... a memory of the person I used to be. Before, when I was back home by the sea, everyone came to me for advice and knowledge... and now that I came up north back to the hell hole that I left behind so many years ago and swore never to come back too I feel like my future has been erased. I am doomed to be a robot until I die surrounded by other spiteful robots praying not to lose a job that I hate, praying to figure out just who I am. I've been searching myself for so many years and still haven't found out who I really am. What am I? Friend? Teacher? Lover? Mother? Atheist? Christian? Catholic? Thinker? Slacker? Geek? Musician? Poet? Who am I? What drives me? What gets me out of bed in the morning? I honestely can't answer that... I have no idea what gets me out of bed... I think it's one of those "scripted programs" that someone wrote and jammed in my brain... I can't not get out of bed in the morning... and I can't not go to work... and I can't tell my parents to stuff it and leave again. I guess that what I am saying is that responsability is bland... responsability sucks the life out of a person... or it did for me. My sister is always bitching that I am no fun anymore... she's always asking me what happened to the party animal and fun girl I used to be... I guess now I have an answer: I grew up! But the thing is... I grew up to be empty, surrounded by emptiness.

Stress! ...and happy pills

I have been the subject of various medical tests this past month... everything came back normal. So two days ago when I went to my doctor with the results of the heap of x-rays and blood work I had done he says: "It's definitely STRESS!". And he also said I should SHOUT when I'm pissed at something or someone. And I was like... "wow! stress... how the hell am I supposed to get rid of it being a teacher?"... You see... being a teacher in Portugal these days is not an easy task... Students treat you like shit, they definitely don't respect you, but worst of all they just don't care about their futures and don't want to learn. This really pisses me off and frustrates me. There are only a handful of my students that want and expect more out of their lives. They think and try to get a glimpse of what their futures will be like. But the most part of them they just don't care. They want to party, and think only of what kind of awful thing they can say or do to shock the teacher and be thrown out of class. I never throw students out of my classes because I know that's what they want me to do. I just try to ignore the stupidity of their actions and words and give them the evil eye and ultimately give them a bad grade (which they don't even care about anyway). I feel powerless. I see so much potential in these kids and they just waist it! They throw it all out the window because they are such idiots! When will they all open their eyes? I wish I could gas them with some sort of truth-seeing serum or some wonky stuff of the sort that would make them see themselves through my eyes. I wish they could see and realize their potential and strive for bigger better things.

Yes, yes... I am writting to blow off some steam (and reducing the amount of stress I supposedily have). And yes, yes... the doctor gave me happy sleepy pills. I feel better-rested so I guess I see things a bit more clearly. The point is... I don't really have a point! I was just ranting and getting stuff off my chest. That's it. That's all there is. I wish someone had opened my eyes when I was in their shoes. But when I was in their shoes was there any teacher that was feeling the way I am feeling now? I would like to think that "yes, there was"... but I can't think of any. And that's that. Or is it? Am I just being paranoid? Sometimes I kind of feel like Mel Gibson in the movie Conspiracy Theory. I wish I looked as good as him... LOL! He has pretty eyes. :D About Mel Gibson... I really don't give a shit what the media is saying about him. He's great. And I'm sure he's a great dad and was a great husband (to his first wife). He made the mistake of marrying that gold-digging wench! I would tottaly freak out like he's been freaking... I hope he gets his act together and gets that cow out of his life. Mel Gibson is awesome! I don't care what he did, does or will do... he will always be a great to me and I'll always watch his movies!