No Qualms

Once in a while I walk outside of myself trying to figure out how and what I should be. It never works but I keep trying anyway. It's a self-deprecating way of trying to know myself...

Sometimes I hurt myself. Emotionally. It's the best way I know how to keep myself "safe". It's what anyone would call self-sabotage. I self-sabotage daily... and it should upset me, but it actually doesn't. It's some sort of security blanket.

Other times I pretend to be someone else and I can actually function as a normal person. I smile, I socialise, I sing, I dance... but after a while I just tire myself out. Because, as you all well know, pretending to be someone else is exhausting!

I have no qualms about being myself, don't get me wrong. I just get bored easily and being someone else is sometimes fun. Other times it helps you find out a bit more about yourself - what you like and don't like.

I haven't been "someone else" in a while. I guess that means I somehow know myself? Although I don't believe we can fully know ourselves or someone else fully... maybe I'm just finally comfortable with who I am.

I am currently watching the new show Titans and mentally preparing myself to get back to work tomorrow. I've been ill this past week - another respiratory tract infection. I'm still not 100% but it's back to the grind. I've missed work and all my co-workers. We always have fun during our day. I can't wait to see them all tomorrow!

I'm actually feeling quite tired right now. Weekend is coming to, well, an end. I've taken my meds and I've showered and put on my jammies. I'm ready to slide into bed. Yes, alone. There is no one - he disappeared.