If you ever need to talk

“If you ever need to talk” is something I’ve heard from different kinds of people throughout the years. Unfortunately, no one is ever interested when you do need to talk. At least, that’s how it goes with me. Every single time I gather the strength and courage to open up and talk I end up drowned by the most banal of conversations… As I just sit there, quietly listening to the fucking stupid rant du jour, I can’t explain it… it’s like I step outside of myself or am split in two… the me that’s inside is kicking and screaming… but in a way that it feels like a uncontrollable storm. So… now, when I hear the words “if you ever need to talk” I just say thank you and change the conversation. Even though all I want to do is punch that person in the face. But for a few seconds, that split second where I imagine myself punching said person in the face actually helps a little. Much more than any “talk” I could ever have with anyone.

I sit here now, at my computer on a Saturday night, in my pyjamas, watching romantic comedies, crying and mourning the life I ruined. Mourning who I could’ve been, who I should’ve been. Now I’m just a sad ghost like creature. Invisible…

I’m the girl at the bar who gets drinks spilled on her, who some idiot will blow chunks on her favourite shoes. The one who sits quietly at the bar waiting or hoping for a change. A change that never happened and will never come. I rewind certain moments in my head and it feels like I’m remembering a movie I watched long ago because none of my memories feel like they belong to me or are even about my life. I realised too late that looking for love is an impossible quest, especially if you’ve ever looked in all the wrong places. Now it’s just too late. Love has ghosted me. I am done waiting for it, and I am done looking for it. I am done with love.

No one will ever look at me from across the room. No one will ever ask me to dance, or think I’m the most incredibly fascinating person in the whole wide world. Love is dead. And I killed it.