a new perspective

Once in a while something happens and it changes the whole course of your life even if at that moment you don't realize how that one thing will affect the rest of your life. If you think about it life is just a string of small occurrences that shape your path. Sometimes you choose your path and other times you're thrown upon it or it's chosen for you. Sometimes it chooses you. But you only perceive all this as you grow older. Growing older is somewhat bitter-sweet. You become aware of so many things you took for granted or were too naive to understand before. You think back and think about all the things you'd take back or do differently. You actually grow up. And it hurts to grow up. Growing up is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your entire life. Your whole perspective shifts and as you grow older it keeps shifting. You look upon younger people walking down the street and you recognize your younger self. It's like you're watching a younger version of yourself. You feel somewhat angry because you can't get back your youth or change your past. But you're satisfied with the person you've become and the road you took to get there. And that's where I am now - content. I am not blissfully happy but I am well on my way...

New Beginings

I feel like someone breathed new life into me. Starting a new job at a different city is exactly what I needed. I feel so much better... I also quit smoking. I'm absolutely over the whole moping around feeling sorry for myself. It feels terrific knowing that you belong somewhere doing stuff that matters. It's the best feeling in the world. I'm in love with this job... I might just marry it! I'm sure I will.

I've been diving deeper into the story of Hindsight. I too wish I could go back in time and correct my most stupid mistakes. I would correct so many that I made recently. Funny how I regret most of the shit I let happen these past two or three years instead of all the stupid shit I did when I was younger. But you know what? All the stupid shit I did when I was young was fun and helped me learn about life and figure out who I am. The shit I let happen to me recently... was just stupid! I'm old enough to know better and not let stupid shit like that happen to me. Jesus! having people tell you that you have problems is really annoying especially when you don't have any! It's always annoying when people are trying to get you to admit you have an non-existing problem so they can feel validated or feel better about themselves... like... it's not all their fault. That's such bullshit and it really pisses me off. People should just admit they're assholes and move on. That would gain my respect. Not this projecting their bullshit onto others. That's just fucking lame.

By and by things are going to get better. I'll be able to see places I always wanted to see and do things I always wanted to do. And I'll see them and do them all on my own. I don't need anyone. I know who I am and I am perfectly happy being this person. And if anyone doesn't like who I am and who I was... well... that's just too fucking bad. I'm not going to change. Ever! Of course I might consider letting my sister tag alone because she's funny and we have fun together sometimes. I guess we can have fun together again... I'm not as somber as I was this past year. I have a new taste for life.

And this new beginning I worked hard for is slowly taking shape and it will bring amazing possibilities and so much awesomeness! I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it!

Escaping reality

The magic of ordinary days is slowly turning into a living nightmare... back at my parents' house I spend most of my days listening to music, reading and watching movies. I hardly have the will to get out of bed. I feel like a ghost of my former self. My computer died on me Sunday night and it'll take 30 days or more to get fixed. That's how life goes in the country, I guess. There's really not much to say... nothing special has been happening. It's been raining a lot which I enjoy. I like to listen to the rain fall outside and imagine I'm someone else, somewhere else. I keep having these strange dreams though... in all of them I die. The last few days I drowned, got shot and got stabbed. I wonder where all that is coming from. A friend told me I'm reliving past lives. I think it's just my subconscious letting me know it's fucking bored! As am I. I am SO bored I keep dreaming up these movie-like deaths to keep me entertained. And that's what's been up lately. I guess I should try writing some poetry again but I am not at all inspired. I don't really know what I would write about. Maybe I should write about the crow that flew over me as I drove into town the other day. That was one majestic bird. So black... black as night. And it's wingspan was huge. It had the most beautiful and graceful flight. My mind went blank as I watched it fly way ahead of me. All the worries I constantly run through my mind were gone for a few moments. And it was the best feeling I had in months. Like a weight being lifted from my shoulders... even if for a few seconds. I long for more than a few moments of such a feeling of peace. I was happy once... it was a long time ago but I remember the sound of my laughter and how it felt like to be happy and carefree. I remember what it was like to feel at peace. I am tormented now. Tormented by the changing times, tormented by memories of what was and never will be. Tortured every night by dreams of hope and love, and by nightmares of despair and death. Tortured by all things created by my own devices. How can such things be undone and forgotten? I want to forget myself and fly away like that crow. I want to drift off and not be tortured by my own mind. I want to feel as happy awake as I feel in my dreams. It's sad that I need dreams to escape reality...