Always the geek

I login but nobody cares
all my online friends ignore me
No one sees all my shares

Someone help me find the key
on this stupid online game
Am I so blind that I can't see

Social networks and chatrooms
webcams and roleplaying games
cyber dating equals social doom

This cyber life of mine
is as boring as the real thing
Everything lost it's shine

all the bits and bites
don't make me happy anymore
all the wrong I try to right

has grown into one big cyber mess
googling high school friends sucks
so I play a game of chess

but my computer beats me everytime
and none of my online friends chat me up
what was my crime?

I'm ignored in cyberspace
just like in real life
I guess I lost my grace...

I kill myself a thousand times a day
but I keep getting bonus lives
My lips are chapped cause I don't have a thing to say

days go by and I don't utter a word
I spend hours alone on my old computer
Trying to find my place in the world

Cyber or real... none of them want me
I don't have a place of my own
I am the odd duckling you see

In cyberspace or walking down the street
in a chatroom or having a cup of coffee
I will always be a geek.

the lesser of two evils is still EVIL

I read today that constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil... and it got me thinking... well... it got my mind racing with all sorts of thoughts. And I have a question: what if all we have to choose from is evil? What if we have no other choices? What then? Are we all doomed to make bad choices for the rest of our lives? Are we put on this earth to walk paths of sorrow untill the day we grab ours chests and die? Or is earth our own personal hell? I always thought that we all lived in the hell we make but now that I read that piece of wisdom I am not so sure... I think maybe we're all in hell as we thought of it. Maybe we live in some sort of twisted matrix world where we're all hooked up to virtual reality machines making us relive our darkest nightmares as punishment for whatever... I have no freaking idea... I am just freaking out and pissed at the world. I am also pissed at myself. Couldn't explain the reasons if I wanted to... all I know is that I have these awful feelings inside of me. All I know is that this rush of emotions is driving me insane. All I know is that I am constantly having panic attacks and just want to crawl into bed and hideout under the covers and sleep my life away.

You're my medicine...

I've got an ache inside an illness that's eating at me. It's burning from the inside and I feel like my skin will soon start to melt off. I look in the mirror and my eyes deceive me. I am not the young hopeful girl with big dreams I am a 34 year old woman whose window of opportunities has just closed. I feel like my life is done. Now I just have to work... work untill I grab my chest, take one last breath and die.
I have this dream... I am still hanging on to this one... I dream of a man that will come and make me forget about all the sorrow and pain I've been through. Someone that will come and make me smile again. A ray of warm light to cut through the darkness I've been hiding in. Are you out in the world? Are you coming my way? Maybe you got lost along the way as I did... I must tell you you're my medicine. You're the medicine that will cure my blues.

burst of confetti

My heart explodes... confetti bursts through the air as I stand still. My face is a cold stone. It doesn't reflect the pain I am actully feeling. The pieces of my heart float away on the breath of an afternoon breeze. I watch as all the small little pieces float up in the air. I try to shead a tear but I strain my eye. My face is a stone... it can't cry. It's emotioneless. And now I am heartless. Feelings don't live within anymore. I am an emtpy vessel. A shadow that is forever doomed to walk the earth. A statue. A stone hardened by the world around me. Heartless, tearless, numb. How far I've fallen! I am in the deepest of the deep. I have no where else to go. What do you do when you are shunned from your home? I started to feel at home here in this town even though years ago I ran from it. I guess my instincts were right... I never should have come back. Nothing has changed! The people here are still the same bitches and assholes they were when I left. What the fuck was I thinking? I had too much faith in people. I had faith in myself and these fuckers took it away. I have nothing left now. Nothing! I am an empty shell longing to be taken back to the sea...

numb

Right now I am feeling numb. It's like the whole world is going round and round and round and I am standing still oblivious to any of the things happening around me. It's like the whole universe is running on fast forwaard and I'm on pause. All the movement and life around me is making me dizzy. I just want to close my eyes and open them to a better world. I want to open my eyes and see fairness. I don't want to hear or read that some shit politician stole money. I don't want to know that politicians make 4 or 5 times more money than anyone else. I don't want to read that poverty has reached the highest percentage since the 90's. I don't want to hear about people losing their jobs and having no work. I don't want to see people stabbing each other in the back. I want to open my eyes and see my son grow up to be a man. A fine man... just, healthy and happy. I want to dance at his wedding. I want to hold my grandchildren. I want to be able to smile again.

got jobs?

I've been a living in Portugal for many years. My parents are portuguese. I came here to go to school. I ended up staying here for university. I've always loved this country but now... now I am starting to hate it! I've waisted years of my life studying trying to better myself for nothing. I am a teacher on the verge of unemployment. And I am not alone. There are thousands more. And we're all in this position because of corruption. The whole system is corrupt. The government is corrupt. If you look up the word "corruption" in the dictionary you will find a picture of the portuguese government. The legal system is a joke. Tax payers are paying a shit load of money so that we can be daily sodomized by everyone. The little guy always gets screwed. What are we to do? It would be a whole different case if we were lazy and wanted to stay at home doing nothing and getting welfare. But it's not the case. We WANT work! There has to be a solution. You can't just fire us all to make room for your fucking "friend of a friend" politics. And you surely can't have a phys. ed. teacher teaching computer science. What the hell does he know about it anyway? He knows how to write letters with MS Word, or some basic functions on MS Excel... ah! and he has a fucking facebook profile. That's how you fucking governamental idiots think of us? You need a reality check. Or maybe advise your fucking "friends" to get the right university degree so us REAL teachers don't feel like we're being fucked. It's absolutely unacceptable! They don't even try to hide the fact that they're getting "jobs for the boys". It's a fucking conflict of interest. What the fuck is going on? Is this the world we live in today? Are we always going to be defined by the people we know? If you don't know the right people you are definitely fucked for life. What are we to do? lay down and die? I refuse to do so. I think it's time for another revolution...

unappreciated

It's been several years since I've felt like this. I feel unappreciated, overwhalmed, scared, angry, sad... all the awful feelings we one time or another feel when we're about to brake up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's that feeling in the pitt of your stomach like you've been punched. In the midst of such feelings you feel broken, unmotivated, powerless... Like your life has no meaning. Tears rush to your eyes when you least expect them. You walk around feeling and acting like a zombie. You can't think about anything else but the cause of your anxiety. It has absolutely taken over your daily life. Like nothing before ever happened and like nothing ahead will ever happen. Uncertainty rules you, chews you up and spits you out. You hardly ever sleep and when you do nightmares take over. When you wake you feel like something a sick cat coughed up. Nothing makes you smile anymore and with the passing hours you turn into this sarcastic evil bitch that snaps at everyone and everything. You can't stand to be around people and you can't stand to be alone either. All this I don't wish unto anyone. Not even people who hae done me wrong. And now imagine feeling this way about a job...

SFW...?

So what if I'm 34 years old and still living at home? So what if I don't make enough money to pay my bills? So what if I have a 10 year old son in school? So what if I want to work and I don't have a full-time job? So what if I went to university and worked hard for my degree? So what if I have to borrow money from my parents? So what if I don't have a car and have to use my mom's? So what if I can't afford any kind of decent life? So what if the country goest to shit? So what if bankers and politicians embezzle money? So what if the rich get richer and the poor get miserable? So what if I worked hard every year of my life and beyond the call of duty? So what if I am unwinlligly near unemployment because some fucking asshole in the ministry of education decides that tech teachers are obsolete? So what if that same asshole can't see that computers, robotics and other aspects of technology are the future? So what if those type of jobs are being given to unqualified personel just because they have the RIGHT last name? So what if I am frustrated? SO FUCKING WHAT???????

Stuck in a funk...

I've been trying to understand the path my life has taken these last couple of years and I must say that I'm completely baffled! I have no idea where I'm going. Where I've been... well... that's a different story. I've always been surrounded by... I have no name for it. Sometimes I've been right in the middle of the nameless feeling or happenings. It wasn't all bad though. I've had some happiness. I just can't seem to get some at this stage of my life. Why? I have no clue. Like I said... I have no idea where I'm going. I guess I just hit auto-pilot and am letting life take me where ever it wants me to be. What I mean is: I've always fought fate and tried to build my own path but the truth is no matter how hard I fought I always end up where life wants me to go. So what's the point? I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to choose. I have to wait for the wind to push me towards the direction I'm supposed to go. I know who I used to be. It was never the person I wanted to be. But who am I supposed to be now? I have no clue about that one either... I guess I'm stuck in this limbo and don't know how to get out of this funky funk. Love life is... well... it isn't. And I've come to terms with that one. There are other ways to be happy but I can't seem to fulfill myself with any of them. I always feel like something is missing. Like I have this hole inside of me that can't be filled. Maybe one day I'll find it's full. And maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that I'm the person I always wanted to be. Or maybe later that day I'll disappoint myself and end up right where I am now. It's a vicious cycle. But the one thing that never changes is change and I can't wait for some change to happen to me and to my life.