No one left...

There is no one left to whisper in my ear. No one left to hold my hand. No one left to watch me sleep. No one left to hold my hair when I'm drunk. No one there to smoke a joint with me while listening to old rock classics. No one there to watch a scary movie with. No one there to play guitar with. No one left to laugh at my stupid jokes. No one left to tell me I put on different colored socks. No one to hold me when I cry. No one to scream at when I'm mad. No one to go out to dinner with. No one to boss around when I'm feeling bitchy. No one to smile at me. No one to listen to my weird ideas or see my doodly drawings and call them genius! No one to sleep with. No one to talk to. No one to "text". No one to email. No one to talk about. No one to be a friend. No one to kiss. No one to touch. No one to grow old with. No one to love...

Me and the sea...

I dream the dream of the sea. A dream of slowly cutting through the dark cold waters of the sea that washes the shores of the city that made and broke a girl that now, as a woman, still hasn't figured out who to be... Or maybe a dream about diving in blindly in the warm and wavy waters of the sea that bathes the beaches of the city that made possible the reinvention of a girl scorned by friends and family... Or maybe a dream about a girl standing still watching the waves crash on the sand while everyone else is moving and living... everyone is moving forward while she is stuck in one place unable to move. Stuck in time aging, living but a ghost! Maybe a dream about a girl asking the city by the sea for exile as her brown eyes reflect the tears brought by pain from what seems to be a previous life. Pain caused a lifetime ago by people that are now happily lying in the sun anf having fun... there is no justice for this girl which ever dream I dream. This girl whoever she may be standing still by the sea moves only in thought. She closes her eyes and she travels to imaginary places... magical places! Places worthy of an Avalon title. Maybe even travels to Avalon itself! But she still is unable to enjoy the beauty of such places because she is missing one half of herself... She knows she can't keep her eyes closed eternally. She can't keep them closed much longer. She can't keep moving between realities. Still... she is afraid to open her eyes because maybe then she will realize that she will always be alone standing by the sea staring at the water crying salty tears for something or someone that will never come... Or maybe... just maybe she'll hear the words: "open your eyes!" uttered by a sweet deep voice that she'll recognize even though she never met the person before. Open your eyes... smile... live! When?

I rest in pieces...

I rest in pieces

To live free
And sleep late
To feel the sun
On your soft face
To kiss and feel
As a hormonal girl
That knows not what’s real
And still has faith in the world
To feel his touch on her skin
For the very first time
Even though believed a sin
takes her beyond sound or rhyme...
Her first heartache
Drove her near madness
She learnt then hearts break
And discovered sadness…
She became the bringer of pain
Hurting anyone and everyone
A bitch gone insane
But inside a soul undone…
Moving away was no good
Trouble and pain followed
Never did what she should
Always swimming in sorrow…
She never wanted to be herself
She always wanted to die
She never asked for help
But somehow was kept alive.
A piece of soul taken each year
Now a soulless vessel feasts
At celebration of fear
As I rest in pieces…

Emptiness

I am empty... I am surrounded by emptiness... I am emptiness itself. I have lost my hability to feel. I feel nothing. I eat, sleep, ear, breathe, talk... but I can't feel anymore. It's like my soul left me. It's like everyone I ever met slowly plucked away at my soul and now it's gone. Nothing's left but this empty shell of a body... a shadow... a memory of the person I used to be. Before, when I was back home by the sea, everyone came to me for advice and knowledge... and now that I came up north back to the hell hole that I left behind so many years ago and swore never to come back too I feel like my future has been erased. I am doomed to be a robot until I die surrounded by other spiteful robots praying not to lose a job that I hate, praying to figure out just who I am. I've been searching myself for so many years and still haven't found out who I really am. What am I? Friend? Teacher? Lover? Mother? Atheist? Christian? Catholic? Thinker? Slacker? Geek? Musician? Poet? Who am I? What drives me? What gets me out of bed in the morning? I honestely can't answer that... I have no idea what gets me out of bed... I think it's one of those "scripted programs" that someone wrote and jammed in my brain... I can't not get out of bed in the morning... and I can't not go to work... and I can't tell my parents to stuff it and leave again. I guess that what I am saying is that responsability is bland... responsability sucks the life out of a person... or it did for me. My sister is always bitching that I am no fun anymore... she's always asking me what happened to the party animal and fun girl I used to be... I guess now I have an answer: I grew up! But the thing is... I grew up to be empty, surrounded by emptiness.