I Drove All Night

I had to escape , the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead
Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
This fever for you was just burning me up inside
I drove all night to get to youIs that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night
What in this world keeps us from falling apart?
No matter where I goI hear the beating of your heart
I think about you when the night is cold and dark
No one can move me the way that you do
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you
I drove all night to get to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night
Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
This fever for you was just burning me up inside
I drove all night to get to youIs that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Is that all right?
I drove all night...

Night In Blue...

With eyes closed

I feel you rushing in

wild like the high tide

on a friday morning...

Night in blue,

feelings awry

a warm touch

that melts away

in the night...

Erotic bliss breeds

shivers and quivers

that culminate

in a scream of pleasure

as I surrender to you...

Your eyes search for mine

and you see me...

and know me

as I see and know you...

Bodies intertwine

as we cross that line

and refuse to sleep...

We stay up 'till dawn's first light

worshiping each other

like creatures of the night...

And as we finally fall asleep

our lips are pressed together

and our bodies have melted

into one big mass of tired flesh...

And we sleep... but not too long!

Our lust moves us

and wakes us...

and takes over us...

and we give in...

We happily give in to it...

I surrender myself to you

and fall into another

night in blue...

Violent Femmes - how I love them so...

I love all things Violent Femmes... :) Their simplicity, the truth behind their words... everything! They were a big part of my playlists back in the 90's (and still are, of course). I danced to "American Music", drank to "Add It Up", felt enraged to "Kick Off", cried to "All I Want", fell in love to "Good Feeling" and laughed while singing along to "Blister in the Sun" ...

One of my favorite ballads is "Good Feeling"... but I wanted to post "All I want" as well... So I'll post both of them for your delight! Just because... they both have amazing lyrics! Enjoy! Rock on! \m/





All I want is to talk to you
All I want is to talk to you
I’m aching for your touch
I’m breaking because I miss you so much
Do you miss me too?

All I want is to walk with you
All I want is to walk with you
I’m hoping for your kiss
I’m doping because I miss you so much
Do you miss me too?

A little bit closer
A little bit closer
Someday
When I try to get closer
Then you move away.

All I want to say is…
All I want is to be with you
All I want is to be with you
You’re hurting deep inside
You’re flirting cause you need
To feel that you are still alive

A little bit closer
A little bit closer
Some way
When I try to get closer
Then you move away

All I want to say is…

All I want is to walk with you
All I want is to talk to you
I’m praying for one night
I’m laying so low
Because I love you so
Though I know it aint right

O Monte...

He cut through the night to see me. The first light of dawn was nearly shining when he knocked on my door. After talking for hours (about this and that) he finally broke through all the psychological barriers and we kissed. His touch melted my skin and nearly broke me. My eyes were closed and I experienced a kaleidoscope os sensations that I can't begin to describe... I might never find the right words to translate what I felt... His eyes pierced right through me... and has he looked into mine I swear I could almost see myself staring back at me... I was almost unable to recognize myself in such an intense wirlwind of emotion. It was like a tornado sweeping away everything around me and I could see all of the objects being blown away in slow motion as my body was standing still and my heart beat faster... it was like... I was travelling without moving! After wondering time and time again what "travelling without moving" (from the movie "Dune") would be like I finally had an experience that I can actually pin to that concept.

The morning dawned on us... and we slept. Waking up in an even stronger embrace and more intense feelings surprised me. How could two tired bodies have such electric energy running through them producing such intensity? I still have no explanation... Afternoon delight! More conversation... More touching... More kissing... More of everything!

Night fell... still in bed... still caught up in a storm of beauty and desire and hunger and longing and wanting... Eyes closed and everything stoped! The world... the universe... nothing was active. Only the two of us... then we slept... and dreams came creeping in slowly and took us both away but still holding hands...

A fuga perfeita...

Hoje é sábado... mais um fim de semana! Mas este fim de semana é diferente... vou passá-lo no minho. Cheguei cá ontem, a Arcos de Valdevez, e já só penso em mil e uma maneiras de escapar deste deserto sufocante, esta prisão familiar que construíram para mim... E porque não libertar-me? Bela pergunta... pergunto-me isso quase todos os dias. Falta-me a energia. Sinto-me apática, adormecida no tempo... ou talvez esteja à espera do momento certo... Momento certo que nunca mais chega... Felicidade e liberdade tardias... Autonomia que nunca chega... Sonhos que se vão desvanecendo à medida que as camadas de personalidade forte que me restam vão sendo descascadas lenta e dolorosamente...

Na cozinha, a minha mãe e a minha irmã discutem sobre isto e aquilo - temas que não interessam a rigorosamente ninguém! O meu pai anda ocupado com o seu famoso rancho folclórico - prepara a catraiada para o raio do desfile carnavalesco municipal (ou qualquer merda do género). Enfim... estou aqui eu, perdida, no meio do monte... em casa dos meus pais... a desejar ser mais parecida com o McGyver ou o James Bond para poder pôr em prática fugas originais e dignas de um filme de acção deste novo milénio (que mal começou).

Quero fugir... da vida real, deste tédio, do frio, da solidão, de tudo... de todos... do mundo... do universo... de mim mesma! Dormir e sonhar... é a única fuga que consigo engendrar e levar às últimas consequências... A fuga perfeita está na criação de um mundo que sonho todas as noites... Resta-me apenas escolher a saída perfeita, através da porta ideal...

the screaming trees - look at you

Look At You
Her ghost hides
In my mind
In the night
In a way she’s haunting me
I’m wanting her still
Thru rose colored skies
Or blue, blue moonlight
There’s miracles on high
She’s walking by

When I look at you I’ve got a 2nd chance
Really need to have you now
One by one they fall it always breaks me down

The quiet
Cuts me thru
The candle burnt
The knife has turned
The pain withers
Alive I know deep inside

When I look at you I’ve got a second chance
Really need to take it now
One by one they fall it always breaks me down

SILENCE

This silent room I'm in is slowly choking me. The silence is all around me! It makes me want to scream and rip it trhough as if it were a piece of paper... but paper cuts the skin and it makes me bleed... the red blood tints the white paper... and in slow motion I realize the beauty of color... red... passionate and warm... spread across the white paper... designing patterns that reveal secrets no one else knows... I start to forget about the silence... and I swear I can hear the blood flowing in my veins. I can hear everything around me... I am one with the universe. As I think this, my eyes are shut and I can see and feel everything. But then I remember you... and my whole world comes crumbling down on me... and I get overwhelmed and buried alive in thoughts of you... I am tormented by dark thoughts... thoughts I wish I never had... thoughts I want to kill... thoughts you planted in me and know they grow like weeds that destroy a perfect garden...

Now that you have silenced yourself and you no longer exist in my world I realize that there's a hole the size of the universe inside of me... a black hole that ate my heart and left me felleing nothing... absolutely nothing! All that was feeling in me is dead. I am mellancoly! I am apathy! I am silence! I am nothing...

Mad World

smile... it confuses people!

Many people have asked me why I don't smile... I usually say that I'm too tired to smile... or that I'm sort of concentrating on some thoughts... or I just laugh a little and don't even answer... But the reality of it all is that I don't really have anything to smile about. My life is misery... I walk the streets and watch people living, loving, smilling, being happy and I envy them. I want the same but I just can't grasp or hold on to happiness, to anything... not even to you.

You walked in beauty in the night and held my hand for a while... then you let go and I fell. I'll get up somehow... when I find the strenght and the will... The beauty I saw in you withered away and all that is left of you is ash... the wind will soon come and take you and you'll be one more memory burnt into my flesh... a scar that will never heal... and never fade.

How will I ever mend? You broke into this heart of mine and it fell apart... it's in pieces. Pieces that I'll never put back together... a shattered heart now slowly beats in my chest, trying to recover from everything you (and the world) and I have done to it. I am to blame... I let myself get caught in your perfect web of lies and slowly turn the key and let you in. I let you brake down the door and see me. Now... well, now... there's nothing left. You stole all of the treasure locked inside the room you broke into to. Now this room is empty and cold and grey...

And now I decided to start smiling more... maybe if I smile good things will come my way... If I smile, this curse will be lifted... If I smile... it confuses people.

Be My Valentine (Or Not)

you ripped my heart

out of my chest

and fed it to the dogs...

And on Valentine's day, no less!

My faith in humanity is slowly fading and with it my "joi de vivre". I'm a sort of meat puppet that everyone pulls and tugs at... Make me dance! Make me sing! Make me fall! These invisible strings are excruciating... it hurts! This pain is hard to bare! The tears roll from my eyes like niagara falls! Everything in me screams like lost souls in hell... Agony is the key word of this day and I'll soon not forget the cause of it...

I want to disapear and forget about my life... I actully would like to use that memory-erasing machine from that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"... How I wish I could erase my memories... but I guess it's a good thing I can't... I'd end up erasing my whole life! It's bad that we can't go back and have do-overs... Do-overs would be awesome!

I just woke up and already I'm feeling anguished... and bitter. Why would anyone do this... I'm not one to take crap... I'm sick of all this social bullshit! Why can't it stop? Well... I'll just hop in the shower and go for a walk around town... try to distract my busy little mind... I just can't go on like this... I just can't...

Be my valentine or not... no one really gives a shit anymore (and I'm starting to feel the same way)...

last breath

I lived in a fantasy for far too long

I lost myself in this madness

and I thought it wasn't wrong.

Now, all that's left in me is sadness...

I gave the whole of me time and time again

Now there's nothing left for me to give

Been dead for ten years and I'll die another ten

I don't think I'll ever truly live...

I am nothing... I am empty... I am dust...

I sit still and wait for a sign to bring me peace

But what I really want is to give in to lust

I just want to be able to find some release!

I want to be freed of all these thoughts

that violently echo in my tired head,

that live embeded in my skull like ghosts

reminding me of how much they bled...

They want me to bleed as they did

The horrible images they show me

are burnt inside my fragile eyelids

I eat them up and they live in my belly

And they scream as I drown them with wine

they curse me and violently wail

and turn to some entity they find devine

But they all slowly die as I prevail...

I still secretly wait for my fantasy to come true

and so I still sit here by my lonely window

thinking of a shadow that was once you

trying not to slowly give in to sorrow...

But waiting forever is too much to wait

It's an insane and silent death

I no longer want to be life's jailbait

So let this be my last breath...

fox on the run and bats

Today I woke up thinking about the song "fox on the run" and I kept singing it (to myself) throughout the whole day (still listening to it now). After having a crazy dream about bats - I dreampt I was driving my dad's freaking huge mercedez (which I sort of hate) and bats kept flying straight at me and when they hit the windshield I just laughed... but a really morbid and sadistic insane laugh... that chilled my spine. It was really freaky. Then... I woke up singing this song... Fox On The Run... and I want to share it with you... It's the Girlschool version... Girlschool are a pretty cool band... Take a listen ;)

111 - can´t find my way home

Come down off your throne
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
Well, I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
Well, I'm wasted and I can't find my way home
Come down on your own
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting all these years
Somebody holds the key
I'm near the end, and I just ain't got the time
Oh, and I'm wasted, and I can't find my way home...

The Joker

The Joker - Steve Miller Band

This song kept me company through some good times and some bad times: I heard it when I was learning to drive a car (it kept me focused and calm); I heard it when I was pissed at someone (it made me laugh and dance my anger away); I heard it when my boyfriend(s) broke up with me (it helped me move on - 'cause I'd come to the conclusion that all men are jokers); I heard it when I was drinking (it made me think about all the great things in the world and not fall into depression)... It's part of me... It defines me... It's a great description of who I am now: a real person - with faults and virtues - just trying to breeze through life and find some sort of happiness. It brought me confort and made me laugh. It's a great song... Listen to it! NOW!

Burning Fever

I have a fever inside

that only he can cure...

My tormented soul

is his to endure...

My blood boils

when he is near.

In my dreams

his voice is clear...

He whispers to me

unknown secrets

that seem to bind

both our spirits...

I burn for him,

an eternal fire...

My bed becomes

my funeral pyre.

Here...

Muttered words

blood is hot

hard to breathe

harder to stop...

heart beats fast

mouth is dry

hands are shaking

I cannot tell a lie...

Eyes are shut

Drunk with lust

skin is tingling

Yearning your touch...

Clock is ticking

yet time sits still

it slowly bends

to my lover's will...

A warm embrace

pulls you near

your voice

destroys my fear...

Heart revives

feelings awry.

Your wet kiss

brings a sigh...

Head is dazed

sleep is near

It's ok,

You're here...

So Simple...

If only it were this simple...

...soulmates would be common and lacking in excitement!

sense and sensibility

The Two Fridas, 1939 by Frida Kahlo.

My sense tells me to stop but my sensibility won't permit it. My heart and my mind fight a constant battle. It is a battle I can't win because a shattered heart cramps my emotional self and a defeated reason turns me into a blubbering idiot. But as I close my eyes and try to get a sense of what's around me I must confess that fear lives within me - what if I'm not capable of love anymore? What if all the love and passion that I once had are now gone? What if I wasted away all the feeling I had and now I am empty? I certainly feel like a hollow shell... if you put your hear to my chest you could probably hear the ocean...

This struggle between heart and reason is a battle that none can win. It's an everlasting war (or at least one I'll fight 'till the day I die).

These thoughts of emptiness and absence of feeling torment me. I want to feel again! I don't want to be this numb anymore. I guess I numbed myself to protect all of the little pieces that were left of me.

My soul is lost... it's buried deep inside this mortal coil we call body. It's locked away in a cold and dark place and it hungers to come back into tune with all of my senses and feelings; it longs to shine brightness and colour again and revive my withered body. My eyes, the windows to the soul, can once again be wide open and let in what's meant to be seen... I dont want to think of sense nor sensibility... I just want to live and feel life all around me... flowing through me.

The Dracula Effect

It is my opinion that Bram Stoker's Dracula is the greatest love story of all times. Romeo + Juliet was okay but they weren't able to transcend and defeat Death. Dracula defied God and Death would not take him - all for the love of one woman. How I admire him. There's no such feeling in the world nowadays and yet I hunger for it. In the end, he didn't want to subject Mina to an imortal existence, undead, feared, forsaken, damned... But she loved him so and wanted to be with him always and so she gave herself willingly...

I long for such purity of heart and burning desire... It is what they call love. I crave it. It's what I call "the dracula effect". Will I ever experience it? Is it at hand? Where is my prince Vlad who has crossed oceans of time to find me? I know... I know... it sounds stupid to all of you (and sometimes to me as well) but I can't quit this dream because if I do something in me will die and I will become only a shadow like many others that roam this earth. I want to be a beacon of light and hope. So I'll wait for my dracula effect... for perfection!

on the 5 o'clock train

Hello my people! friends... and foes. I'm on the train to Porto. I'm bored out of my mind, so I decided to write a few lines describing what's around me. There are some loud kids talking about people they'd like to kill... they sort of got me thinking about people I used to want to kill... but that lust for vengeance and blood has faded. That violent desire to incinerate people I hated is gone because I don't hate anyone anymore. That destructive feeling just oozed out of me as I grew up. It disappeared as that part of me vanished... I've been a lot of diferent people during my short life but the person I am now is the one that suits me best. I don't care what people think or might say about me or what I do or what I like. I just try to live my life without harming anyone. That's what all people should do (but don't). An old is sitting next to me... and he reeks of alcohol so much that I'm feeling a little tipsy myself. He's chewing gum - I guess to hide the fact that he's fucking drunk (man, he's smilling at... nothing!... old weird guy). There's this kid here... I don't have the right words to describe hum... but I'll try... Remember that song from the 80's "I wear my sunglasses at night...". Well... that song comes to mind... but he's listening to some fucked up music that I categorize as noise polution. Damn... he is freaking... don't have a word for it... lol... idiot? yeah... idiot, dork... he's trying so hard to be cool he ends up ridiculous. It's disturbing.

They're all gone now. They were like pictures in a book... if you keep turning the pages you forget the pictures you've seen...

My train ride is almost over. And I have a headache. I can't wait to get home and lay on my bed staring at the blank ceiling. Running thoughts (weird, deep, uneventful) through my mind... chasing them, even. Or are they chasing me?