numbing feelings on a saturday night...

Saturday night... a night to put on your party dress and go out to socialize... I don't socialize much. I like to observe people around me and get a sense of what they're thinking.

But tonight (and this is something I don't do often) I decided to put on my favorite t-shirt and go out for a drink. Drinking is how you numb out all the feelings you don't want to have... it blocks all the shit you don't want to deal with... it blocks out the fact that I feel misplaced and alone.

People try to build safe lives and have every plan kept in a perfect box tucked away in some part of their brains that they can't reach. What if every plan and the world they built for themselves is only a dream?

I'm just a random person walking through the streets of someone else's creation. I can't live in this ilusion anymore. I'm trying desperatly to break out of this perfect cage I built for myself. I am aware... I have awaken... I want to find what I want... I don't want to hide behind someone else's truth anymore.

But... what if my life is someone else's dream? What if I'm just a reflection in someone else's mirror? What if I'm actually afraid to see the reality of who I actually am? What if I'm not the person I tried so hard to be? The answers are in plain sight and easy to reach... I want to believe that I have a purpose, that I do belong... that there's a place for me in this world...

I have a hollow heart and I can't feel pain nor love nor passion... The ghost in the back of my head is taunting me with visions of what my life could be... I look into his eyes through the glass of whiskey that I am drinking atempting to quiet down the ghosts that wander my mind...

I can taste the bitterness of past lifes... I am truly numb... I try to wash it out with some more whiskey but the tears roll down my face as all of life comes running back into my head... brought by the ghost that never leaves me alone...

At this point, I don't use the glass anymore... I find truth underneath the bottle... not universal truth or enlightment... but a hidden truth that only I know or understand. Everything is not quite as it seems... and everything is as it should be. A cigarrete blends perfectly with the taste of alcohol in my mouth. I close my eyes and I can't see anything. Everything's turned black. All of my wicked creations were negated by my drunken state. But tomorrow... tomorrow they'll be back with a vengeance and a thirst for blood and destruction of all that I ever wanted - peace of mind.

A whisper creeps into my heart taking your place... The sighs that once lived in me are all gone now... they were replaced by silence. It was then that I knew that no matter how hard I try I can't escape fate nor speed or avoid what's meant to be...

The ilusions of the past were broken down by consequences of unthought actions of a crazy youth. So tonight I try to numb out the thought of you and this aching longing that invades my heart every minute and every hour of every day...

And this is how I (try) to numb myself on a saturday night wishing that I was anywhere but here...