Death and other things...

 My dad died. I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever known in my life. Tears run down my face as I write this. I don't know how to drown out the pain. Losing my dad is the worst thing that could ever happen - he was the kindest most caring person anyone could ever meet, and he was my dad, and I loved him, and I want him back!

Tonight, I think of you.

 

Last Christmas I almost died

Last Christmas I almost died. On December 18th I started feeling sick. I couldn’t breathe and I had mild chest pain. I went to the ER and they told me it was asthma. They gave me an inhaler and some pills and sent me home. The gave me a COVID test that came back negative. The next day, I was still feeling ill so I went back and again I was sent home because apparently I was having a panic attack. And again they gave me meds, another COVID test (also negative) and sent me home. And the next day I could barely stand… I went to a different doctor who told me I had an iron deficiency. They prescribed some iron supplements and sent me home. I wasn’t feeling any better so on the 21st I went to a private hospital and they had to literally wheel me in because I fell… I couldn’t stand on my own two feet snd by this time I had a sharp pain on my left leg. After some blood work and other tests they had to send me back to the ER for a CAT scan. After hours of waiting I was finally told that I was positive for COVID and that I was having a pulmonary embolism. I was admitted to the COVID ward and treated for this life threatening condition. I was alone and scared. On Christmas Eve a man in the next room died. A nurse sang Christmas carols while they wheeled him out of the room. I spent Christmas alone and scared in the hospital. 

I was mistreated by nurses because they couldn’t find any good veins to draw their daily dose of blood from. I was  given a transfusion because I also had severe anemia. Every night before sleep I could feel Death breathing down my neck. On December 30th I was released and allowed to come home on the condition if self-isolate until January 7th. Of course I agreed and I cried happy tears because I’d be going home to my son and my two cats. 

Once I got home I knew I had to change everything and so I changed my eating habits and I started going out for short walks. At first I could hardly walk around the block and after 5 minutes I was tired. After a couple of weeks I was walking for about an hour straight so I decided to join the local gym.

Six months later and sixteen kilos lighter, I feel stronger. But I sometimes feel the hairs on the back of my head stand up and I know it’s Death breathing down my neck again. I am not out of the woods yet because the doctors still don’t know what caused the embolism - was it COVID related or not? I am still takings meds and I am still anemic and no one seems to know why. Things are moving very slowly but surely and although I don’t have any straight answers yet I know that I am on the right track to regaining my health.

This is my awakening. A rude awakening that was much needed because I had no idea how bad my health really was. It took almost dying to come to terms with what I had done to myself over the years. And now that I can admit that there is no one but myself to blame, I can forgive myself and work hard towards healing.

And here I am! A work in progress…

UNTITLED

I miss the life I should’ve had and the one I’ll never have.

No one will ever truly know me

Because I don’t even know myself.

We’re only left with the hand that was dealt

And everything that I ever have felt

Is nothing compared to what I have suffered

And all the courage I’ve ever mustered

Was but a drop of water in a vast sea.

I am not strong. I am not happy. I am not the one.

I am just another face in a crowd 

That you will never see or even notice

I yell out your name but not so loud

I close my eyes and dream that we kiss

I close my eyes as I lay in my hospital bed

I close my eyes and play back all that I’ll miss 

I close my eyes and I think that I’m dead

I open them but I fall asleep again instead…

Catrick Swayze

 

Mr. Meowgi

 

2 years later…

 Wow! I can’t believe it’s been over 2 years since I was last on here. But I think we all know that the current situation isn’t that great. There hasn’t been a lot of time for feeling sorry for myself. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life - lost loved ones, was stabbed in the back by someone I considered my dearest friend, I’ve been struggling with health issues… too much happened packed into 12 months. I’ve aged a lot just these past 12 months. 

As for love… I’ve come to a realization - it doesn’t exist. It’s all bullshit! And so I spent the better part of my life looking and longing for what isn’t real. And thus I have become a cat lady. I rescued two cats off the streets of Porto - Mr. Meowgi and Catrick Swayze. Both have been with me these past 2 years. And both have made my life so much better especially during quarantine. 

And just like that I turned into a crazy cat lady. But I am happy. :)

It could’ve been better this time around

I no longer smell you on my pillow

I don’t even smile when I’m thinking of you

And I don’t want to look out of my window

Because I know I won’t be feeling blue

I can’t even hear my favorite love song

And I feel like I no longer need you.

everything I thought right is now wrong

I don’t feel like there’s anything to do.

Dwelling in the past takes you further from the light

Forcing something that was never right

Is never what anyone should do

I know I’m right I hope you know this too.

Tell me that you hate me, tell me that I’m no good

And I’ll be gone.

Tell me that you don’t want me, tell me you don’t need me

And I’ll move on.

A string of “what ifs”

It’s quiet now. The crowds that once lived in my head and made it impossible to function at times have died out. I fear that they might come back at any minute though. Have they really gone? Will I now be able to be happy and not want to drown their voices in alcohol or sleeping pills? I look forward to the next day but always look over my shoulder wondering when they’ll be back to make my life a living hell once more. 

Years ago I ran... I pushed you away and ran. I wanted to punish you for loving me. I wanted to punish myself for existing. I regret it every single day of my now normal life. I can’t stop myself from wondering what might’ve been. I don’t want to wonder about that anymore. When you knew me I was far gone and pretty much numb all the time. I was either high or drunk or both... I don’t remember the “good times” that you remember. I don’t remember anything. That time is a blur. All I remember is the pain and wanting to die. I didn’t die though and I am happy I made it through. I can now live a quiet uneventful life. My restless soul has finally settled down and I can now focus on myself and on living my best life. I wish I could build new meaningful memories with you that would echo throughly time. I don’t think that will happen though. And that’s okay. Just know that I will always think of you fondly and once in a while I’ll still think “what if”. And I’ll smile and feel warm in that fantasy for a few minutes and then I’ll go back to my routine for what is life if not a string of “what if’s”?

Dear David

Dear David,

I think of you often and you’re the person I want to tell all the good things that happen to me first. And the bad ones too. But you really never listened. You were always so eagerly waiting for your time to speak and for me to listen. And I listened... and I tried to help. I don’t think I could though because you wouldn’t listen. And so I stopped listening too. You drifted away and I tried for that not to happen, but eventually I gave up. Still, I miss talking to you even though you don’t really listen.

I got promoted at work a few weeks ago. I wanted to tell you all about and share how excited and scared I am... but I deleted your number. I didn’t want to bother you anymore. I felt like I was a burden. Also, you were avoiding me and ditching my calls. I ripped off the band-aid. Odd enough, I felt free. But I still miss you.