last breath

I lived in a fantasy for far too long

I lost myself in this madness

and I thought it wasn't wrong.

Now, all that's left in me is sadness...

I gave the whole of me time and time again

Now there's nothing left for me to give

Been dead for ten years and I'll die another ten

I don't think I'll ever truly live...

I am nothing... I am empty... I am dust...

I sit still and wait for a sign to bring me peace

But what I really want is to give in to lust

I just want to be able to find some release!

I want to be freed of all these thoughts

that violently echo in my tired head,

that live embeded in my skull like ghosts

reminding me of how much they bled...

They want me to bleed as they did

The horrible images they show me

are burnt inside my fragile eyelids

I eat them up and they live in my belly

And they scream as I drown them with wine

they curse me and violently wail

and turn to some entity they find devine

But they all slowly die as I prevail...

I still secretly wait for my fantasy to come true

and so I still sit here by my lonely window

thinking of a shadow that was once you

trying not to slowly give in to sorrow...

But waiting forever is too much to wait

It's an insane and silent death

I no longer want to be life's jailbait

So let this be my last breath...

fox on the run and bats

Today I woke up thinking about the song "fox on the run" and I kept singing it (to myself) throughout the whole day (still listening to it now). After having a crazy dream about bats - I dreampt I was driving my dad's freaking huge mercedez (which I sort of hate) and bats kept flying straight at me and when they hit the windshield I just laughed... but a really morbid and sadistic insane laugh... that chilled my spine. It was really freaky. Then... I woke up singing this song... Fox On The Run... and I want to share it with you... It's the Girlschool version... Girlschool are a pretty cool band... Take a listen ;)

111 - can´t find my way home

Come down off your throne
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
Well, I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
Well, I'm wasted and I can't find my way home
Come down on your own
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting all these years
Somebody holds the key
I'm near the end, and I just ain't got the time
Oh, and I'm wasted, and I can't find my way home...

The Joker

The Joker - Steve Miller Band

This song kept me company through some good times and some bad times: I heard it when I was learning to drive a car (it kept me focused and calm); I heard it when I was pissed at someone (it made me laugh and dance my anger away); I heard it when my boyfriend(s) broke up with me (it helped me move on - 'cause I'd come to the conclusion that all men are jokers); I heard it when I was drinking (it made me think about all the great things in the world and not fall into depression)... It's part of me... It defines me... It's a great description of who I am now: a real person - with faults and virtues - just trying to breeze through life and find some sort of happiness. It brought me confort and made me laugh. It's a great song... Listen to it! NOW!

Burning Fever

I have a fever inside

that only he can cure...

My tormented soul

is his to endure...

My blood boils

when he is near.

In my dreams

his voice is clear...

He whispers to me

unknown secrets

that seem to bind

both our spirits...

I burn for him,

an eternal fire...

My bed becomes

my funeral pyre.

Here...

Muttered words

blood is hot

hard to breathe

harder to stop...

heart beats fast

mouth is dry

hands are shaking

I cannot tell a lie...

Eyes are shut

Drunk with lust

skin is tingling

Yearning your touch...

Clock is ticking

yet time sits still

it slowly bends

to my lover's will...

A warm embrace

pulls you near

your voice

destroys my fear...

Heart revives

feelings awry.

Your wet kiss

brings a sigh...

Head is dazed

sleep is near

It's ok,

You're here...

So Simple...

If only it were this simple...

...soulmates would be common and lacking in excitement!

sense and sensibility

The Two Fridas, 1939 by Frida Kahlo.

My sense tells me to stop but my sensibility won't permit it. My heart and my mind fight a constant battle. It is a battle I can't win because a shattered heart cramps my emotional self and a defeated reason turns me into a blubbering idiot. But as I close my eyes and try to get a sense of what's around me I must confess that fear lives within me - what if I'm not capable of love anymore? What if all the love and passion that I once had are now gone? What if I wasted away all the feeling I had and now I am empty? I certainly feel like a hollow shell... if you put your hear to my chest you could probably hear the ocean...

This struggle between heart and reason is a battle that none can win. It's an everlasting war (or at least one I'll fight 'till the day I die).

These thoughts of emptiness and absence of feeling torment me. I want to feel again! I don't want to be this numb anymore. I guess I numbed myself to protect all of the little pieces that were left of me.

My soul is lost... it's buried deep inside this mortal coil we call body. It's locked away in a cold and dark place and it hungers to come back into tune with all of my senses and feelings; it longs to shine brightness and colour again and revive my withered body. My eyes, the windows to the soul, can once again be wide open and let in what's meant to be seen... I dont want to think of sense nor sensibility... I just want to live and feel life all around me... flowing through me.

The Dracula Effect

It is my opinion that Bram Stoker's Dracula is the greatest love story of all times. Romeo + Juliet was okay but they weren't able to transcend and defeat Death. Dracula defied God and Death would not take him - all for the love of one woman. How I admire him. There's no such feeling in the world nowadays and yet I hunger for it. In the end, he didn't want to subject Mina to an imortal existence, undead, feared, forsaken, damned... But she loved him so and wanted to be with him always and so she gave herself willingly...

I long for such purity of heart and burning desire... It is what they call love. I crave it. It's what I call "the dracula effect". Will I ever experience it? Is it at hand? Where is my prince Vlad who has crossed oceans of time to find me? I know... I know... it sounds stupid to all of you (and sometimes to me as well) but I can't quit this dream because if I do something in me will die and I will become only a shadow like many others that roam this earth. I want to be a beacon of light and hope. So I'll wait for my dracula effect... for perfection!

on the 5 o'clock train

Hello my people! friends... and foes. I'm on the train to Porto. I'm bored out of my mind, so I decided to write a few lines describing what's around me. There are some loud kids talking about people they'd like to kill... they sort of got me thinking about people I used to want to kill... but that lust for vengeance and blood has faded. That violent desire to incinerate people I hated is gone because I don't hate anyone anymore. That destructive feeling just oozed out of me as I grew up. It disappeared as that part of me vanished... I've been a lot of diferent people during my short life but the person I am now is the one that suits me best. I don't care what people think or might say about me or what I do or what I like. I just try to live my life without harming anyone. That's what all people should do (but don't). An old is sitting next to me... and he reeks of alcohol so much that I'm feeling a little tipsy myself. He's chewing gum - I guess to hide the fact that he's fucking drunk (man, he's smilling at... nothing!... old weird guy). There's this kid here... I don't have the right words to describe hum... but I'll try... Remember that song from the 80's "I wear my sunglasses at night...". Well... that song comes to mind... but he's listening to some fucked up music that I categorize as noise polution. Damn... he is freaking... don't have a word for it... lol... idiot? yeah... idiot, dork... he's trying so hard to be cool he ends up ridiculous. It's disturbing.

They're all gone now. They were like pictures in a book... if you keep turning the pages you forget the pictures you've seen...

My train ride is almost over. And I have a headache. I can't wait to get home and lay on my bed staring at the blank ceiling. Running thoughts (weird, deep, uneventful) through my mind... chasing them, even. Or are they chasing me?