It could’ve been better this time around

I no longer smell you on my pillow

I don’t even smile when I’m thinking of you

And I don’t want to look out of my window

Because I know I won’t be feeling blue

I can’t even hear my favorite love song

And I feel like I no longer need you.

everything I thought right is now wrong

I don’t feel like there’s anything to do.

Dwelling in the past takes you further from the light

Forcing something that was never right

Is never what anyone should do

I know I’m right I hope you know this too.

Tell me that you hate me, tell me that I’m no good

And I’ll be gone.

Tell me that you don’t want me, tell me you don’t need me

And I’ll move on.

A string of “what ifs”

It’s quiet now. The crowds that once lived in my head and made it impossible to function at times have died out. I fear that they might come back at any minute though. Have they really gone? Will I now be able to be happy and not want to drown their voices in alcohol or sleeping pills? I look forward to the next day but always look over my shoulder wondering when they’ll be back to make my life a living hell once more. 

Years ago I ran... I pushed you away and ran. I wanted to punish you for loving me. I wanted to punish myself for existing. I regret it every single day of my now normal life. I can’t stop myself from wondering what might’ve been. I don’t want to wonder about that anymore. When you knew me I was far gone and pretty much numb all the time. I was either high or drunk or both... I don’t remember the “good times” that you remember. I don’t remember anything. That time is a blur. All I remember is the pain and wanting to die. I didn’t die though and I am happy I made it through. I can now live a quiet uneventful life. My restless soul has finally settled down and I can now focus on myself and on living my best life. I wish I could build new meaningful memories with you that would echo throughly time. I don’t think that will happen though. And that’s okay. Just know that I will always think of you fondly and once in a while I’ll still think “what if”. And I’ll smile and feel warm in that fantasy for a few minutes and then I’ll go back to my routine for what is life if not a string of “what if’s”?