I've joined the "work force". I got myself a (supposed) 9 to 5 job that basically takes up over 15 hours of my day which means that when I get home I basically have a bowl of soup, kiss my son goodnight and pass out on my bed. Some nights I don't even get under the covers. Other nights I stare at the ceiling asking myself over and over "what the fuck am I doing?" and I answer myself that I am doing what "regular" people do. Then I start thinking how insane it is that I spend 2 hours on the road to go to and from work to do a job that basically has me dealing with stupid little problems and petty little people who feel like they're entitled to everything and that sort of like have sticks rammed right up their asses. I can't stand it! But honestly... I don't have the energy to do anything else. This is comfortable for now and I'm not too bad at it. When I get to that real breaking point I'll just quit and stay home and plant shit. I'll go agricultural all up in this bitch.
As for love... well... if I don't have time to write and let you all know what's up I certainly don't have any time to fall head over heels. I don't even have time to look at someone twice. I have no time. For anything. Not even for myself. I have re-discovered The Magnetic Fields and has I sat here listening to their box-set album 69 love songs I couldn't help but thinking how negligent I've been with my blog - something that I used to love doing. But I've felt so uninspired and stressed out lately (ever since I started working - since April, actually - wow! has it been that long?) that I haven't found the energy, drive or will to write. It sort of feels like the poetry in me has been sucked out of me like someone sucks marrow from a bone; it feels like the poetry withing me has died. Ironically, I'm just now listening to the track "I think I need a new heart" which is so appropriate for what I am just writing. And the track after that one is "book of love" which will make me cry. Why? Because I've never had anything like what is described in the song - no one reading to me, or singing to me. Such a simple song...I think that simplicity is what I love the most about any type of art. Even though the beauty of the song moved me I am still not able to find the right words to express all that I am feeling.
Depression - let's talk about that for a bit. I have it - most people have it. Those who don't have it, don't understand it. They think that depression is the same as being sad. It isn't. You can be depressed and still smile and laugh. You can be sad and not be depressed. You can be depressed and sad at the same time but they're definitely not the same. Sadness is a feeling that is brought upon by some event or whatever it is you're experiencing. Depression... it's like a ghost haunting you. It stick to you like crazy glue until it becomes part of your being and it's part of your genetic make-up. You can't escape it and you certainly can't pretend it's not there. Sometimes it's so crippling all you do is try hard to find the strength not to end your life. It's not about finding the will to get out of bed - it's about finding the will not to end it all. It's about thinking about everyone around you and how your absence would affect them. It's not about me anymore. I'm not living anymore. I'm a walking corpse. I live because I have to. I can't let my family down, they need me. And even though they have no idea that I'm feeling this way and when I try to talk to them about it they come up with the same story: just be happy! Oh, if it only were that simple... No one chooses to be depressed. It's not a fucking choice! Why can't anyone understand it? Sometimes I catch myself screaming so loud inside my head - but all around me there's only silence. I dream of a day I'll be able to overcome all of this and feel like the darkness inside me has dissipated but for now... it's not a choice. And although I find some measure of joy in small things around me and in my son, I am still depressed. I cry myself to sleep each night and I don't even know why I'm crying - I'm not sad but the tears won't stop falling down my face and that feeling of despair doesn't go away - it's always there, like a ghost in the back of my head waiting for the most inappropriate moments to jump out and scare the shit out of me and everyone around me. People stare at me like I'm crazy - I've gotten used to it. But it still does hurt. Why do people think that "crazy" and "stupid" are the same? I don't think I'm sane... but I also don't think of myself as being insane. But one thing you can be sure of - I'm definitely not stupid. So why is it that some people are so fucking patronizing and talk to me like I'm slow or like I'm an idiot? Sometimes I feel like kicking the living shit out of those type of people. Not because I feel insulted but because I know they'll treat other people like that and it's fucking ridiculous. But I ramble now... About this whole depression thing... I don't want to talk more about it. Let's put that subject in the "later" drawer.
The only thing I can think of right now is that romance is dead and I'll die alone. Not alone, I'll have my sister and a whole bunch of cats. But basically, all I ever wanted is the one thing I'll never have - true love.
