They don't see

People don't see
they don't want to.
They're like birds
who've been in
their cages for
far too long.
Far too long...
When the cage
door is opened
they just sit still.
Perfectly still...
they don't fly
away. Far away.
They sit there
and slowly sway
dreaming of
what it's like
to be in love.
What it's like
to be free.
What it's like
to see...

Okay

Every night
He paints the sky
With stars
Just for me.

But I'm so
Wrapped up in
Darkness
That I don't see.

Every day
He shines
His bright light
My way

But I hide
In a cocoon
Of pale skin
And deep within

I search for a soul
A flicker of feeling
Someone, anyone...
But I'm still not whole.

Maybe one night
Or one fine day
He'll take my hand
And make everything
okay.

love.

sleepless in the middle of nowhere

I'm at my parents' in northern Portugal which is the middle of nowhere. I'm trying desperately to fall asleep but I can't. All the little noises Nature makes are keeping me awake and interested (except for the barking dogs - those are just annoying).

I keep getting out of bed and pacing... Thinking... Wondering... Useless, pointless thoughts racing through my mind and driving me insane. I wish I could just fall asleep.
I keep wondering how many people out there in the world are having the same trouble sleeping or how many will have the same trouble sleeping when it's time for them to go to sleep and they're hoping to instantly pass out like I was hoping for.

I wish I could pass out once I hit the bed but it seems the older I get the less sleep I get. Funny... I always thought the older you got the more you would sleep. Guess I was wrong. But I've come to realize I was wrong about so many things... So many things... I don't even want to think about it. I guess I'll go back to counting sheep... Give that a try. You never know: sometimes the simplest answer is the way to go.

Sobriety

And once I tasted love
I got drunk...
I got unbelievably drunk
and I wanted more
each time.
I never wanted
to be sober again.
Being drunk on love
was like... nothing
I ever felt before.
Then sobriety hit me
like a ton of bricks.
This hangover
will last forever...

Thoughts and memories I want to delete

I know I usually post poetry on here but I have to be honest... I haven't felt very inspired lately. I've been going through the motions. I just dove right in to this deep depression and now I'm just sort of stuck in a funk. Books don't take me away to that magical world I used to escape to; I don't listen to music anymore... none of the music I love makes me want to move or tap my foot; my guitar is desperately screaming out my name yearning for me to pluck its strings; I can't feel anything. I don't smile anymore. I don't cry either. I cried everything I had to cry. I don't think I'm capable of crying anymore. I just feel numb. Like I'm a ghost walking around. No one sees me or knows me. No one cares enough to...

So this summer I just took refuge up north at my parents'. But all the peace and quiet haven't helped much either. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm some sort of functioning comatose patient. I walk, I talk, I do things... but I'm just not all here. I feel like I lost the joy of living. I'm stuck in a loop. Every day I wake up and go about things as usual... sort of like that movie Groundhog Day. 

All those memories that keep rushing through my head those few seconds before you fall asleep and those few seconds before you're fully awake... I wish I could erase them... delete them. I don't want to carry them around with me anymore. I want them gone. I just want to understand why people are so hurtful... they have nothing to gain. Maybe it's just some latent sadistic pleasure... I don't know. I'll never know. And I'll never understand. I want to move on. I want to feel and smile again. I don't want to be stuck in this funk anymore.

All I ever wanted was to be happy but I guess it's the one thing I'll never be able to get...

I stopped now...

This morning...

My Cage

I am trapped in this cage I built. It's what happens when you build something from the inside. I forgot to build in a door, some sort of way out. Now I just sit here mesmerized by the beauty of this cage I built. It's beauty paralyzes me. It's so hypnotic I can't even move. And I sit there for hours, days, months... And as the rust starts to build I convince myself it's even more beautiful. It's beautiful because I built it and it's mine. I am so drawn to it's beauty that I don't even notice life passing me by. I just sit there looking at pieces of rusty dreams I kept pilling up around me and I miss everything else. I don't see anything but this heap of lies I swallowed and birthed into dreams I can't even remember anymore. I stand up, angry. I want to take a hammer, a torch and destroy it all. But I am still reeling... I know that I must but I can't. Not yet... Just a few more hours, a few more days. Maybe tomorrow...

Live Again

He broke my heart
ripped it from my chest
and tore it apart.
I hate him
but I love him...
I hate myself
for loving him.
I fell way too
deep.
Now I have to dig
myself out
of this hole
and just live
again.
Then, I can
breathe.

My Home is Your Embrace

Why don't I go home
I just want to go home
and crawl into bed
with the ghosts in my head

I just want to go home
even though I'm alone
I can still feel your touch
it burns way too much!

The ghosts in my head
are the words you never said
echoes of what's still to come
a plea for me to go home...

I want to get up and go home
but I don't want to be alone
I've been beaten down
and knocked around

I took the longest lonely road
but it'll still take me home
it'll bring me to you
it'll bring me to you!

And when I look in your eyes
you silence all of my cries.
your hands holding my face
my home is your embrace...

You are my home!
I want to come home
where it's always warm
in the comfort of your arms.

Time Travel

I think of you right now
I travel forward in time
I can touch you...
I look into your eyes
how they sparkle!
They burn a hole
right through me.
They see me,
you know me.
You touch me too.
I bite my lip
to hide my smile.
You slowly brush
a strand of my hair
from my blushing face.
There are no games,
no sort of chase.
Only time travelling,
planted hopes and dreams.
I can touch you,
and you touch me.
Your hands are so soft!
I close my eyes
as you kiss me.