Where do I go from here?

My life has been one great big adventure... And now that I'm in my 30's I find myself tired and weary... and longing... I have this craving for something that I don't quite know what it is... Mellancoly is what best defines my current state of mind. A confortable sadness rules my world.

The thought of you brings me a shread of hope, a shimmering and fading light into my life. I am waiting locked in my sad quilted cage imagining what was, what is and what could be... I look at the moon outside, hanging bright in the sky, and relish in the thought of you... But when I lay awake in bed and I can't sleep I realize that you're just some ideal guy I dreampt up to keep me company; you give me something to write about... something to dream of... something to hope for... you're nothing but a fantasy, a dream that will never come true...

Catapulting Psycotronics...

Gogol Bordello = AWESOME!

Toda a gente deveria receber uma dose diária de Gogol Bordello... oh yeah!



LISTEN!!!

NOTA: Esta música também faz parte de um filme (Wristcutters: A love story) muito bom (que se encontra entre os top 5 dos meus preferidos de todos os tempos - os outros são Wild At Heart, Untill the End of the World, Accross the Universe e Natural Born Killers)

Poesia Antiga...

Hoje, ao arrumar livros e cadernos antigos, encontrei um caderno dos meus tempos de liceu (ano de 1992, para ser mais precisa... tinha eu 15 anos!) onde eu escrevia as minhas poesias. Encontrei lá as 3 tentativas frustradas de escrever em português. Vou partilhar com vocês essas 3 tentativas e espero que tenham em consideração o facto de, na altura em que escrevi isto, ter apenas 15 anos. :P

Enjoy!


Medo de Amar

Sinto medo!
Medo de amar,
Medo de errar...
Num beijo sinto o gosto
De um cigarro acabado de fumar
Olho o teu rosto
E sinto-me a afogar em pensamentos!
Serão provavelmente tormentos...
Sinto medo,
Medo de te magoar.
Não quero deixar
De sentir o que sinto
Mas com certeza minto
Se disser que não te vou amar...
Mas é este medo de amar
Que faz transparecer a incerteza...
Oh... desculpa! É a minha natureza,
O medo de te amar...


Corpo e Alma

Entrego o corpo aos desejos da alma...
Estarei errada ao ceder?
Perco, no meu ser, a calma,
diminuindo a ânsia de viver...
A alma ordena, o corpo obedece.
Sem ser inocente,
Caio na teia que ele tece,
Experimentando loucura ardente...
A carne é fraca,
A alma imoral...
O Ser monarca
Rege o teatral...
Em fortes pensamentos
Me vejo consumida,
Pois, por escassos momentos,
Daria todo o ser, a vida...


DOR

Não tenho mais forças para chorar
Nem lágrimas para derramar...
Resta-me apenas a frustração
E a dor de te ter perdido.
Se não tivesse cedido
Intacto estaria o meu coração...
Tudo o que faço, tudo o que penso
É sobre ti... sobre nós...
Olho o mar imenso
E consigo ouvir a tua voz...
Mas estás inalcançável... longe...
Esta dor que não consigo curar
Faz-me lembrar do teu olhar
Tão profundo e intenso,
Mentiroso e suspenso...
Nada conseguirá apagar
Esta mágoa que sinto...
Nem as forças da Natureza
Ou os deuses do Olimpo
Conseguiriam tal proeza...
Perdi-te! Jamais te terei,
Pois não sei se voltarei...
Talvez um dia, quem sabe...
Mas aí já será tarde.
Viverei sem amor,
Consolando-me com a dor...

24 hours to rock

I've got empty pockets

And an insane glare.

People are God's puppets

I've got no time to share.

I've got love to kill

before the end of the world.

I'll forget to pay the bill

and damn my own soul...

Secrets and lies

are all I know of you...

But time flies

And I've got much to do...

I've got 24 hours to rock

before my life ends.

This soul that I block

I will never ever mend...

Incantation

Love all, trust a few and harm none...

Weary...

These broken tears wash my soul

My tired body's laid to rest

In a dark corner of the world

By the one who knew me best...

As my heart hardens slowly

Numbness is all that subsides

This soul within me darkens

And no one hears my cries.

The beast within me has won

All the battles and the war.

What is still yet to be sung

Has been locked behind a door.

I wish for a deep slumber

In perfect loving arms

That make me crumble

With a word that calms...

The moon shines down in grace

And sweetness follows.

I am weary of the chase

And full of future sorrows...

Dead Fire...

Can you hear my silent call?

Come and lay me down to rest

Or let me wither away and fall...

Breath no longer fills this chest...

Life as I knew it is no more...

Feelings cease to dwell

You closed your old door

Leaving me in the stairwell...

I can't eat nor sleep

I am outside looking in

Trying not to weep

As I see you grin...

My senses run wild

And a fire burns within...

My heart's been defiled

But my body wants sin...

My bed was our funeral pyre,

A death to the yearning.

Ashes are left from the fire

We melted away into nothing...

Fairytale Ending

Everyone thinks I am crazy because I still want my fairytale ending... Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I believe in you... Will you be here as soon as you can? My heart beats faster in antecipation... the antecipation of you.

I keep fighting everyone that challenges my choices, my life, my dreams of you... You're the one I'll always love... My life seems a picture show playing in my head... all that's left to play is my fairytale ending... My imagination runs wild with pictures of you sleeping in my arms and whispering sweet words in my ear...

Hidding behind my door are all the things I thought I knew... Now I realize that all I thought I knew before were other people's visions of me... All I ever knew was sorrow and pain...Things I want to ignore...All I thought I knew about love are lies someone told me... The only truth I know now is You...

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF...

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.


2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."


3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."


4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."


8. Practice making fax and modem noises.


9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.


10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."


12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
    
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.


17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.


18. Honk and wave to strangers.


19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
    
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


21. type only in lowercase.


22. dont use any punctuation either


23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.


24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times."DO YOU HEAR THAT?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."


25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.


26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.


27. Ask people what gender they are.


28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.


29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


30. Sing along at the opera.


31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.


32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

You could have been number one...

This means nothing to me

'Cause you are nothing to me

And it means nothing to me

That you blew this away

'Cause you could've been number one

If you only found the time

And you could've ruled the whole world

If you had the chance

You could've been number one

And you could've ruled the whole world

And we could've had so much fun

But you blew it away

You're still nothing to me

And this is nothing to me

And you don't know what you've done

But I'll give you a clue

You could've been number one

If you only had the chance

And you could've ruled the whole world

If you had the time

You could've been number one

And you could've ruled the whole world

And we could've had so much fun

But you blew it away

You could've been number one

And you could've ruled the whole world

And we could've had so much fun

But you blew it away

make haste, my love...

Make haste, my love... make haste! I am waiting without fear in my heart and trusting open arms.

Make haste, before the night ends and dawn breaks... Come to me and fill me with laughter and whisper to me softly. My body yearns for yours. Desire burns within me... Let us make this night's bed our funeral pyre and burn together throughout eternity... Our names will echo across the seas of time and be remembered by the universe. My eyes are open and they see you... My lips hunger for yours... My skin anticipates your soft touch... My ears can hear your sweet voice calling out to me across time and space. The moon shines down on us tonight and blesses us. Our hearts run free towards one another and crash into each other melting together into one...

So make haste tonight, my love... I am waiting... for thee, my love... for thee!

complicity

Tonight I know you’ll see me through
Because I belong to you.

Tonight I’ll get lost in you,
I know you’ll see me through…

Tonight you’ll know you love me
And you’ll know we are free…

Tonight you’ll let me slip away…
Just hold on for one more day!

Tonight I’ll put out all the stars in the sky
Waiting for you to come by and by…

Tonight I am the one you miss,
I’m the one you long to kiss…

Tonight I’ll be the one you take care of
Because I am the one you love…

Advice on how to go through life...

Live like there's no tomorrow, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching...

Great Big Disaster

I give myself... I give and I give... every piece that I give to Him is a piece lost of myself... All the good feelings I had once upon a time are all gone...Where were you tonight? I plunged into darkness and had no one to hold my hand... I want to feel someone's hand grasping mine to keep me from falling into the abyss.

I face the wall and emulate silence. But thoughts race through my head and they get louder and louder untill I realize that everything I feel is nothing but a dream. My life is a great big disaster... but I can't live it any better. I can't get to where I am going any faster... I just watch everyone else walk on by...

I just run away from what I started... I get smaller and smaller and try to avoid getting stepped on by you... and everyone else.

My life could have been much diferent... I guess I love to fall apart... I'm an expert on loving and losing you...

Happiness...

«Happiness is like a butterfly:

the more you chase it,

the more it will elude you;

but if you turn your attention

to other things,it will

come and sit softly

on your shoulder...»

Thoreau

Everything in it's right place...

Where are you right now? Are you working? Eating? Sleeping? Washing your hands? Showering? Getting dressed? Thinking of me...?

How did we ever find each other? It all happened so fast... my head is still spinning... my mind's still in a daze... Thinking of you as been like breathing... If I stop, I die...

Tonight, looking at the moon hiding behind dark clouds I think of you once more... imagining your day and acompanying you every step of the way... I close my eyes and I see you... I can almost reach out and touch your face and feel the warmth of your soft cheeks... I can almost taste your lips (and how I long to taste them...I hunger for them, for you). I can almost run my fingers through your black hair and whisper that everything is in it's right place... we're together... and loneliness is a distant memory.

I tell you stories of magical places and fantastic characters that live in trees and hide among us and you fall asleep with your head on my lap while I gently run my fingers through your hair and kiss you softly on the lips... And then I whisper: "Everything is in it's right place..."

Unanswered questions...

I asked life for a cookie but I never got one... Should I stand in line? Or is life all out of sweets to give me...? Haven't I behaved accordingly? Haven't I been a good girl? I WANT my cookie!

I went to bed late last night... and I woke up early... I woke up many times during the night... I feel and look like a zombie... Don't know what to write... or what to think... or what to feel... The lack of sleep numbs me in everyway. My brain is about to shutdown and my body takes its time to respond... Maybe I should sleep for a while... I want to... and my eyes close in sweet anticipation... but I can't fall asleep... it's frustrating because I am sooooo tired and I so want to sleep and rest for a while... why can't I fall asleep? I want to go through and enter the realm I created in my dreams... where all is magnificient and simple... and everybody is as they should be... No one dies of broken heart disease, no one fights, no one screams... all is good... and I am good.

Since I can´t fall asleep... I just sit here waiting to learn what it is I'm suposed to learn... waiting for some sort of epiphany to hit me smack on the head.. When that happens I'll run around for a few second feeling happy and stupid I didn't get to the "truth" earlier... All of the unanswered questions I've been asking myself and asking life will finally be answered and everything will make sense... then, and only then, I'll be able to lay down and fall asleep to dream of you once again...

endless slumber

Have I finally awaken from my endless slumber? Is there really someone out there able to pull me out from this darkness? Will it be you...? My eyes are sore from all the light you bring... is it real or just a dream? Is it just the calm before the storm... or has my time come at last?

Endless dispairing nights from the past slowly fade from my memory... The sun you bring chases away all the ghosts that live in the back of my head... Your words bring solice to a broken heart... Your hands mend what I thought could never be fixed... Your eyes bring my soul back to life... Every breath I take is a step closer to you... Your whispers bring flights of angels to dance around me and teach me the meaning of love...

This night sleep will come easily... You will swoop me from all this sorrow and wipe the tears from eyes and all the distant memories will be forgotten at last... You will kiss me and lay me to rest and I will dream of you here with me... keeping watch... and guiding me through.

I will run to you and I'll be standing in the rain watching you live your life in perfect bliss. You'll look outside and finally see me... And your smile will bring peace and warmth to a tormented soul. And I will close my eyes and know... just know... that there's a time and a place for all of us... a sort of forgotten destiny or hidden desires are then revealed to us and everything starts to fall into place and make sense...

All the little things that are so important to me will be important to you as well... the world is running towards hell and lets the simple things in life escape them or pass by... they ignore what really is important and precious... YOU are precious... a treasure that I'll cherish untill the end of time... untill the end of the world...

When I awake from this endless slumber I will finally realize that I am not alone...

Open your eyes...

Last night the cold took over me... It was like winter came early and froze my heart... when will this ice melt? Will it actually ever melt? Will someone melt it and set my heart free? Will I be able to open my eyes to the world around me and awaken to a new reality? To happiness? To bliss? A sea of sorrowful sighs is all I know these days... Forgotten memories creep into my mind and make my hopes wither away and disappear. I die a little each day.

When I wake up each morning I look in the mirror and all I see is a shadow of the person I once was, a fragment of the person I could be, a ghost of the person I want to be... And when I am dressed and about to face the world I whisper to myself: "just breathe..."

Sometimes, early in the morning when I wake up, before I open my eyes everything seems perfect... all of my dreams seem to be almost within my grasp. But as I slowly open my eyes reality sets in... Over coffee I rewind and playback my life but it's hard to focus... I try to mend my broken life, my broken self... but I don't know where to start... I wouldn't even know where to begin...

There's an emptiness inside me that I cannot fill... Dreams and projects for the future are not enough to keep me busy and silence the rage inside of me. This emptiness is slowly taking over the rest: the rage is quieting down, the sorrow has no more events to feed it, happiness has faded away without warning and lust... lust has been locked away by madness... madness has been held hostage by passion, and passion has been swallowed by the emptiness... all the feelings that once lived within are slowly being eliminated and giving way to nothingness... oblivion is the road ahead.

The phone doesn't ring... my email box is empty... I am standing still in a sea of people that live their lives as if someone is fastforwarding them to a designated destiny towards the future... The voices in my head get louder and louder telling me to move or do something but panic prevents me...

And this is where I am now: standing still while you whisper to me: "open your eyes" and all I can do right now is just breathe...

The End

The end

White or black or grey?
No one knows what to say…
A wicked heart that does not beat
While broken glass beneath my feet
Bring an end to your perverted show…
The north wind ceases to blow
And the cries of the banshee
Bind what was once wild and free…
Death is neither quiet nor merciless
But to be Death is peaceful…
The world is condemned to fear it
Like a glove that does not fit…
The skies angrily pour down rain
That washes away sin and pain.
Stairs to heaven and hell
Brought by an evil spell
Erase the sun and the moon
And my end will come soon…
From a distance I will hear it call
As I prepare my great fall…
If we can only be together in death
Then let this be my last breath…

numbing feelings on a saturday night...

Saturday night... a night to put on your party dress and go out to socialize... I don't socialize much. I like to observe people around me and get a sense of what they're thinking.

But tonight (and this is something I don't do often) I decided to put on my favorite t-shirt and go out for a drink. Drinking is how you numb out all the feelings you don't want to have... it blocks all the shit you don't want to deal with... it blocks out the fact that I feel misplaced and alone.

People try to build safe lives and have every plan kept in a perfect box tucked away in some part of their brains that they can't reach. What if every plan and the world they built for themselves is only a dream?

I'm just a random person walking through the streets of someone else's creation. I can't live in this ilusion anymore. I'm trying desperatly to break out of this perfect cage I built for myself. I am aware... I have awaken... I want to find what I want... I don't want to hide behind someone else's truth anymore.

But... what if my life is someone else's dream? What if I'm just a reflection in someone else's mirror? What if I'm actually afraid to see the reality of who I actually am? What if I'm not the person I tried so hard to be? The answers are in plain sight and easy to reach... I want to believe that I have a purpose, that I do belong... that there's a place for me in this world...

I have a hollow heart and I can't feel pain nor love nor passion... The ghost in the back of my head is taunting me with visions of what my life could be... I look into his eyes through the glass of whiskey that I am drinking atempting to quiet down the ghosts that wander my mind...

I can taste the bitterness of past lifes... I am truly numb... I try to wash it out with some more whiskey but the tears roll down my face as all of life comes running back into my head... brought by the ghost that never leaves me alone...

At this point, I don't use the glass anymore... I find truth underneath the bottle... not universal truth or enlightment... but a hidden truth that only I know or understand. Everything is not quite as it seems... and everything is as it should be. A cigarrete blends perfectly with the taste of alcohol in my mouth. I close my eyes and I can't see anything. Everything's turned black. All of my wicked creations were negated by my drunken state. But tomorrow... tomorrow they'll be back with a vengeance and a thirst for blood and destruction of all that I ever wanted - peace of mind.

A whisper creeps into my heart taking your place... The sighs that once lived in me are all gone now... they were replaced by silence. It was then that I knew that no matter how hard I try I can't escape fate nor speed or avoid what's meant to be...

The ilusions of the past were broken down by consequences of unthought actions of a crazy youth. So tonight I try to numb out the thought of you and this aching longing that invades my heart every minute and every hour of every day...

And this is how I (try) to numb myself on a saturday night wishing that I was anywhere but here...