discombobulated

Pieces

2012-02-16T14:59:00.000Z

I am dying on the inside
buried by what I want to hide
I'm not ready for the closeup
because I am all messed up
can you show me how to be
someone else that isn't me
I got lost inside myself
I want to be someone else
Can you take away the pain
i got caught up in the rain
that keeps falling down on me
can you please just set me free
won't someone shine a light
to cut through the endless night
Can you please help me to see
the person that I should be
Save me from myself
let me be someone else
I never wanted to be
the person that I bury
Under layers of guilt
and the prison I built
is slowly crumbling down
as I have another meltdown.
And people are paper dolls
shielded from the rainfalls
I cut them with the pieces
of my broken heart that cringes
every time I close my eyes
I can hear a thousand sighs
echoing through time
like a wind blows a chime.
I can't feel I am empty
and I don't know who to be
I can't be someone else
but I can't be myself...
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
seal my fate with a kiss
so my life ends in bliss.
Can you taste me?
Can you feel me?
close your eyes and breathe
you are now free...
I thought I'd live forever
But there's only never
and there's only this
and everything that I missed.
I thought there'd be laughter
I thought there'd be an after
I thought my heart could mend
I never thought it would end...
I thought I was immortal
but life ends after all
and nothing's left behind
even love that you can't find.
I never knew who to be
and you could never see
that you were everything
and now there's nothing
not one simple thought
only pieces of a broken heart...

Valentine's Day

2012-02-15T13:34:00.002Z

You say your love is in a corner
I say that my love is a goner
valentine's day lasted 5 minutes
no sweet whispers or chocolates
no public displays of affection
no sudden disregard for caution
and the one I once embraced
shared words written in haste
from the other side of the screen
that stir inside me like caffeine
giving me a much needed morning kick
even when inside I am feeling sick
the day was over before it begun
every year it comes as a burden
for lost love always comes to mind
making new love harder to find.
my heart is a broken piece of glass
you try to clean up like our past
but the tiny pieces you can't see
will forever make you think of me.
It's just another day that passes by
the pain that time brings makes me cry
at each breath I clutch my chest
thinking of the one I loved best
wishing I could go back in time
and change myself and every crime.
But these dreams I must put aside
and lock aways the tears now dried
Because life is just one great show
it leads you where the wind blows
but nothing in life is random
and every thought that you abandon
was designed and mastered by fate
but you realize it all too late
and past valentine's days rush in
while your head dives in a spin
but you can see all your mistakes
and your heart slowly breaks
because all this time you were wrong
when you should have been strong
you gave away your heart
to one who tore it apart
when the one you should love
the one you should be thinking of
is patiently waiting forever
while you give him never...
Valentine's day is a curse
created by brainy commerce
It brings me nothing but sorrow
and a very painful tomorrow
brought on by plentiful booze
and all that the bar spews.
I wake up thinking: maybe next year...
Maybe true love will find me here.

No rhyme or reason

2012-02-12T20:40:00.003Z

I'm not asleep but I'm not awake
I'm not real but I'm not fake
I can't move but I'm not still
this glass half empty I want to fill
It's not me and it's not you
it's not a lie and it's not true
I'm not alive but I'm not dead
can't take back what's been said
can't pretend to be myself
and I can't be someone else.
I am tough but also vulnerable
my thoughts are considerable
but my words are scarce
I'm a coward but also fierce
I'm not blind but I can't see
I'm not a prisoner but I'm not free
I'm not deaf but I can't hear
it isn't courage but it's not fear
I'm not sensitive but I feel
with this cracked heart of steel
hollow... emptied by the world
I'm not empty but I have no soul
It's not the dark nor the light
and day turns into night
I watch my life passing me by
It's not silence nor a cry
There's no rhyme or reason
only the passing of each season.
It's none of the things I thought of
it's only a forgotten love...

Smiles and Sighs

2012-02-09T15:00:00.003Z

Wake me from this dream
while the moon is high
I want to see it gleam
up in the dark sky.

I want to close my eyes
and feel it on my skin
like whispered sighs
after a stolen kiss...

My eyes open wide
and my lips draw a smile
and I set pain aside
and linger for a while...

But smiles and sighs
aren't enough to get by
and my soul cries
as I stumble in a lie...

My heart starts to crack
but I keep it all inside
and I can't go back
but I also can't hide.

I still have to mend
this broken heart
and put an end
to what tore it apart.

The smiles and sighs
will remain as memory
as my damp eyes
will remain angry.

Knowing what love is
was nothing but a curse
But never knowing such bliss
would have been much worse.

It's Only Love

2012-02-09T14:42:00.003Z

Another sleepless night
Another way to loose fight
against my own convictions
fuelling my afflictions...
I know that you just might
restore my faith and sight
drowning all my addictions
with all of your restrictions.
All that's left is this
forgotten kissless lips
and a sigh as a love song
a wish to belong
to anywhere but here
where my feelings disappear
and you're but a dream
bursting at it's seam
letting in reality
awaking in actuality
remembering what you can't have
feeling like a lost halve
of someone waiting for forever
while you're waiting for never
And it's only love
that you're thinking of
but there's only this
aging blistered lips.
It's only love
you're waiting for
not pain, not bliss
but there's only this...

Forgotten Kiss

2012-02-07T14:16:00.003Z

The world stopped
and I was safe...
but pain eavesdropped
and the world strayed
Now it can't be still
and you have gone
against my strongest will
your name shines in neon
in my shapeless mind
keeping me up at night
and I unwind and rewind
to the past out of sight...
Love should set you free
but mine is a prison
life custom made for me
at a costly bargain...
Love isn't love anymore
it's a heartless mess
nothing will be as before
for I love you more nor less
and I can't kick this drug
as I can't stop breath
from entering my lungs
nor can I charm death...
all I have is who I am
but it's not good enough
and thus a door is slammed
on what could've been love.
So love isn't love now
it's just this...
an old broken vow
a forgotten kiss.

Sigh

2012-02-06T23:40:00.001Z

a smile is a dream
sight is happiness
silent is my scream
that keeps sadness
tears quelch thirst
lips bitten bleed
I saw you first
hear now my plead
as I open my arms
you can lay here
forget all alarms
forget all fears
time stands still
deep in your eyes
bent to your will
now till sunrise
a smile is a dream
and I am now waking
to the sound of my scream
and of my heart breaking
my tears are salty
can't quelch my thirst
you never looked at me
and I did saw you first
my arms are heavy
and all is forgotten
my love, my plea
all have gone rotten
time keeps on moving
but your green eyes
are still so soothing
that something in me dies
each time you come by
your smile lights up
and I fall into a sigh
like a fool falls into worship.

What You Wish For

2012-02-06T23:10:00.003Z

Tonight I can't sleep
tonight I'm broken
and I can't weep
my tears are stolen
from a their song
I have been empty
for so, so long
my heart is heavy
pounding so loud
breaking through
my chest like sound
screaching cruel
painful and merciless
until you are no more
untill you're bodiless
is this what you wish for?
I am blind and heartless
a forgotten whisper
kept by the fearless
in the form of a blister
a painful reminder
of love breading sorrow
a wound that grows bigger
with each endless tomorrow.
is this what you wish for?
a broken soul in a lifeless body
might you come back for more?
see the freak they made of me
I am nothing but amusement
harmless playful jest
at such times mind is absent
to deal with such life best
is this what you wish for?
away with me and my love
from sight away with what's sore
I'm the one you'll never think of
I am but an once of flesh
rotted by fulfilled desire
caught in a fine mesh
of promises dealt with fire.
Is this what you wanted?
a hungry ghost at your door
haunting like it has been haunted
Is this what you wished for?

Restless

2012-02-05T23:10:00.004Z

Restless pillow
heartless chest
fills with woe
deep and compressed.
Doesn't make a sound
just a gentle thump
keeping me bound
to this same dump
people call world.
Broken heart beats
for past memories
walking the streets
spewing ambiguities
I want to keep within
anonymous and safe
but they rip my skin
and they enchafe
the way I should!
But I am helpless.
I would if I could...
but I am spineless
and the fear rules.
This unbeating heart
was taken by fools...
But from the start
it was your own
and yours alone.

Goodbye

2012-02-05T22:34:00.004Z

It's not late. I spent the whole weekend sick. To regular people it would appear I have the flu. But I know it's only heartache. I have a disease I can't cure. No amount of pills or booze can begin to make me forget or feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I could block everything inside of me. I have a rage brewing that I fear might explode into madness. I don't want to lose all reason. I have nothing left but my mind. Sometimes I look back and realize that people always thought I was crazy or stupid. But what they don't know is that I am quite an inteligent person. I just dumb myself down so I don't end up being a target of... well... whatever evil shit these awful people can think up. But still I feel they're piercing fiery eyes upon me and I hear their spiteful words being whispered behind my back. And it hurts. I try not to let it affect me but it really does. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night wondering why I feel so wretched. I have nothing. My family hates me, I have no significant other, no friends to hang with... the music in me has faded away as well as my looks. I am just one big fat mess. A shadow. I've spent all my life trying to figure out who I am. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm not who I dreamed and I'm not who I wanted to be. I'm not who they want me to be. And I'm not who I should be. Who am I really? Who am I? I've searched high and low for a purpose trying to find myself along the way. But I found nothing. No purpose. No sense of self. Nothing... just this emptiness and silence that seem to widen the hole I have inside of me. I've lost something I never had. I miss what I never knew. I wish I could just lay in my bed and sleep. I can't remember my smile. I can't remember the sound of my own laughter. And I can't remember the last time I felt happy and safe. I feel like I am lost in some sort of neverending winter and I can't find my way towards spring. I know people say that there is someone out there for everybody. But maybe fate forgot me. Maybe I'm not meant for happiness. Maybe I'm not meant to make my way home. I am broken inside desperately hoping for a second chance but I fear I'm snowed in by thoughts of the past I can't seem to let go of. I wish I could just erase them. I feel tormented. If I open my eyes and look will there be someone there to love me? I think that tomorrow is another day... maybe it'll be the day I let go of the past and move on. I'll say my goodbyes now. I never had a chance to say it. I never had to explain because you know. You've always know. I guess you just never cared and I respect that. But now I have to go. I have to move forward and leave you behind. I'll always love you. I'll always miss you. I just can't do this sleepwalking dance anymore. So this is goodbye...

Too Late

2012-02-03T14:07:00.004Z

And I looked up at the sky
with my eyes wide open
I could see it fly up high
whispering words barely spoken
It's black eye followed me
at that moment I couldn't see
What it was trying to let me know
the big black wise crow
had a message from the universe
there is no way to reverse
and go back to relive the past
once your fortune has been cast.
There is only tomorrow
so let go of old sorrow
and choose life and the living
for life isn't waiting it's just giving.
Time sometimes stands still for love
but not for me, still he's all I think of.
I am back to life but hardly living
I am in the midst of the unforgiving
they keep hanging the past over my head
I'll only be free of them when I'm dead.
I wake with him haunting my thoughts
and I lay with these feelings caught
in a random prison I have built
with bars of fear and bars of guilt
that keep me bound in my place
always wishing to see his face.
And as I lay each night to go to sleep
inside me a broken heart silently weeps
wishing that the neverending tomorrows
cease thus ending all my sorrows
and my regret would be set free
and nothing would remain not even me.
Only words unspoken left behind
that I pray one day he will find.
My fate has been foretold
by the black and wise crow.
Unrequited love lost in time
beyond reason, fate or rhyme.
A heart broken and turned to stone
youthful hope transformed into crone.
Life and happiness before my eyes
bringing more pain to my cries.
A body broken and bound standing still
slowly losing faith and all of it's will.
A mind travelling and moving through time
and a forgotten mountain I can't climb.
I am steadily being pulled towards fate
because anything else now is too late.

One Last Breath

2012-02-01T15:10:00.002Z

All the little things other people can't see
are what matter the most to me...
My dreams are my own and mine alone
they're where past, present and future are shown
they're where secrets are revealed
and where my fate and yours are sealed...
A passage to another reality,
a way to avoid present misery...
The raven came to me yesterday
but it had little to say
all I know is that all is well
and there's nothing else to tell.
But soon I fear a change is near
still nothing is yet clear...
I can't sleep my heart is pounding
it's sound is loud and deafening
it foretells tears not yet shed
I hear it beating in my head
and it's driving me mad, insane
like rain that wet the floor before it came
like a madness that slowly takes over
making you always look over your shoulder
lost desires come alive in dreams
and you're awakened by your own screams
His voice, his eyes... they haunt me
like all the ghosts that taunt me
like words you know before they're spoken
like love that ends before it's taken...
I pray thee raven pluck it from my heart
because it's breaking me apart
and I can't go on like this anymore
I'm not as strong as I was before.
I am weak and I am weary
I am sad, broken and dreary
I want to lay once in love's fleece
so I can finally die in peace.
For this love I feel I died a thousand deaths
All I want is his kiss as one last breath.

The Raven

2012-01-31T13:37:00.002Z

I am... well... I guess I don't have words to describe what I'm feeling. I will tell you how I came to be feeling this indescribable feeling. Last night, it was late and I was in bed watching TV. I was trying to fall asleep but couldn't. Got up and went to get some water because I was thirsty. When I walked back into my room I just stood there staring at my desk and at my computer. I turned back on. I went online and started talking to an old friend. I've been enjoying our conversations after a long period of silence. It was past 1 a.m. when we both logged off. I went back to bed but I started crying. I have no idea why. Or maybe I do... I feel alone. I am lonely and fear I'll never find someone who understands me. That is why I sometimes cry myself to sleep. And that's how I fell asleep last night. And this morning I woke up to the sound of a car honking it's awful loud horn and I wanted to kill whoever was driving it. These murderous thoughts are pretty understandable if you are an insomniac like I am. I was in the bathroom when my mom's cousin let herself in with an errand my dad asked her to run. I talked with her for a bit and then she left. I then brewed some coffee and drank it while I was scouring through the web for some juicy news. Got dressed, had lunch and got in my car to drive to work. Passed by some crazy drivers and I got to a point where I had to stop the car because I saw a huge bird flying over and ahead of me and I remember thinking "holy shit! this isn't normal... I must be hallucinating!" and I stopped the car to make sure I was just imagining things. But I wasn't... the huge bird was in fact a raven. I got back on the road and the raven flew ahead of me for a couple of miles and I felt something I never felt before... I felt like I knew everything would be alright which is weird because I feel awkward, helpless and doomed all of the time. But as I looked up at the raven it was like I was staring in it's eye and knew... I just know and this feeling I can't name came over me like I don't have to try so hard anymore. Like it's okay to be myself and not care what other people think. I oddly don't feel like I need other people's validation anymore. I searched online for crow/raven lore and found out that ravens bring new things into one's life or they bring messages or share secrets. How can this one event at this point change my view on life so much? I guess I'm just ready to walk towards other directions. I guess I'm ready to follow, I'm ready to let go and be true to myself. I'm glad the raven flew over me this afternoon... it flew with me... it also set me free.

One More Last Kiss

2012-01-31T01:44:00.003Z

I stand here wide-eyed
hoping for a sign
wishing for a dream
praying for a gleam
of hope to set in
like the happy grin
I show when you're near
Isn't it so clear?
the way I look at you
and everything you do
makes me shiver
and when you whisper
my name as we part
I wish we were back at the start
I close my damp eyes
and fall in a world of sighs
I would give anything
I would pray, I would sing
I would fall on my knees
I would beg please, oh please
for one more night of bliss
for just one more last kiss...

Random Toughts

2012-01-30T19:52:00.003Z

I am tired... I've been tired for a long time. Mentally tired. I'm trying real hard to keep my shit together but at times I feel like I'm falling apart. Other times I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I try not to think too much because I think that's what's wrong with me. I think too much. I have thoughts running around my mind a mile a minute. Like a small chinese country where everyone is talking all at once. Sometimes I can filter some of the voices and I don't like what I "hear". Other times I just shut my brain down. But then I'm bombarded by other senses: I see bright colors dancing all around me. I hear the wind whispering secrets to me. I feel the sun caressing my face. I close my eyes and all these things take over and I cease to exist. It's like I'm slowly turning to ash and the wind is blowing me away and I am high up in the air trying to remember who I was or who I'm suposed to be. I fell like a burning paper doll slowly being scattered through the four corners of the earth. I keep the pain insed me safely tucked away in a small box I created within. I accidently stored all other feelings in there with it and now I feel nothing. You could slap me around and kick me and I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd probably smile and thank you for trying to make me feel. This zombie like state I am that left me completely numb is taking it's toll. When I was younger I'd hurt myself to feel anything. I'd drink until I fell and broke my nose. I'd pink fights with random people. I'd pop painkillers to drown all the screaming voices in my head telling me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to die. I wanted to die... but I got through all the shit and I'm still here. I am strong but I am weak. I fear that the slightest thing might push some hidden forgotten button in me... I fear I might snap and throw everything away. I sometimes wish I would snap... because then something would be happening. I am so tired of hiding in boredom. But boredom is safe. And safe is how I need to be right now. But still... I dream of letting go and being myself. I am feeling a bit repressed... I have to pretend to be normal all the time. I can't be myself around here. But my heart as been eaten away by "what ifs?". So much so that there aren't any "what ifs?" left and where my heart once beat is now a hollowed out chest. I always felt everything with suck an intensity that it burnt me up whole and left nothing but a pile of ash slowly being blown away by the wind and by people whistling my favorite song. I used up all the feeling I had inside of me. I have nothing left and I can't go back. I can't take it back. I can't hold back. I've paid my debt for all the crazy shit I did and for all the crap I put people through but still life decided I should be this hollowed out vessel just standing around while the whole world passes me by... My body grows old and I feel the aches and pains of aging but I feel nothing inside. I want to cry... like I did that night. I want to smile like I did when I saw you the last time we went out. I want to tremble when my elbow touches yours. I want to be able to sleep 6 hours straight. I want to be able to sleep without any crazy dreams haunting me. I want to forget everything. I want to forget who I was, where I was and what I did. I want to experience everything for the first time and not feel the way I do now... always wondering... always hanging on to old faded memories... always asking myself "what if?".

flipside

2012-01-26T19:50:00.003Z

I guess this is goodbye
I keep wondering why
why I can't let go
or why I can't show
what I feel inside
thoughts walk side by side
I should be four by four
like I said I was before
But that was just a lie
It was me just getting by
Pretending I was alright
But I was crying through the night
And surely you can see
that you're a freak just like me
Always hiding what you feel
Escaping what is real
But my feelings are awry
they are burning me alive
So I bury them inside
I'll catch you on the flipside...

Until We Meet Again

2012-01-26T17:45:00.004Z

I lay awake late at night
Wondering if it's alright

to call you up and say
how you made me feel this way

And I pick up the phone
I'm home all alone

But I can't dial your number
so I guess it's really over

I just save these words unsaid
I keep them in my head

to tell you when I can
or until we meet again...

My So-Called Life

2012-01-25T13:33:00.003Z

I woke up to this sound... a hammering sound. At first I thought it was just another throbbing headache... I tried to go back to sleep but that annoying sound kept picking at my brain. I tossed and turned for a while hoping it would stop... but it didn't. So I turned on my TV and blasted the sound up so I could somehow "forget" all about the sound that was driving me insane. American Dad was on... I fell asleep again. I woke up again to the sound of the opening credits of the show Smallvile. Never was a fan of that show and the opening credits song really sucks balls. I mean... it's the most annoying song ever written! I am thinking about how annoying the song is while I stretch out confy and warm in my bed wishing it was saturday. I get up, pee, brush my teeth, wash my face... I do some push-ups and crunches (not enough to break a sweat though) and hit the shower. I'm still in zombie mode... nothing on my mind. In the shower thoughts start to pour in... and while I close my eyes and get under the shower to wet my hair most of my life flashes before my eyes and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness overcomes me and I just feel like I'm going to break down and cry. But I don't... I taught myself so well not to let my true feelings show that it's like I can't express myself anymore. I want to cry and break things... throw some stuff around and make a big fuss but I've programmed myself all too well. I just open my eyes, lather, rinse... get out of the shower, wipe myself off, put on my robe, shake my hair and go to the kitchen to get coffee. I drag myself back to my bedroom with my cup of coffee and turn on my computer. As I sip my coffee I rummage through the sea of folders looking for the database worksheets I'm giving my students to work on today. I also prepare some cool coloring sheets for my first graders and a nice poem for the third graders to read and copy on the computer. As I sip my coffee and work on these tasks I start to think of how diferent my life would have been if I had just taken that internship in England 15 years ago. I mean... what the hell was a thinking? Then I just tell myself that my life as is was always meant to be... but a part of me is still whispering deep within that our life is consequence of the paths we choose. I just have to live with it... I have to lay in the bed I made for myself. I know it's stupid feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't that bad. I have my son, a job, a home, and family. But I always feel like there's something missing. It's like there's a hole inside me that at some times feels like it burns. It's funny how people miss what they never had. But maybe we're just missing some idealization... maybe a distortion of what really is. My coffee cup is now empty and I'm scowring the web for news and cool stuff I like. I also go on Facebook and check out what's happening. I check my email and ebay. Then I realize it's time for lunch. I get dressed (yes, at this point I'm still in my robe) and blow dry my hair. I get some soup and a sanduich... I gather my things, get in my car and split. As I drive to work I am listening to one of my favorite bands - the Violent Femmes. Blister in the Sun is one of the best songs ever! I'm driving, I light a cigarrete (wishing it was a doobie) and drive downtown smiling wishing I was 17 years old again with my hole life ahead of me. When we're young we always think we're gonna live forever and that we have all the time in the world... but now that I'm 34 years old I have come to the sad conclusion that we are in fact mortal, that we're not going to live forever and we certainly don't have all the time in the world. The truth is we have a very small window of time to get our shit together and our lives on the right track (the rigt track being the choice of the path we want to take). Too bad I had to realize all this too late. Because now it just seems pointless to try to fix shit from my past or try to (re)live situations I know can never be... At this point I'm driving into the school's parking lot at I start to think about the altircation I had with one of my students yesterday. It saddens me that a kid (and a class) with such potential for great things is just throwing it all away for the sake of being a smart-ass. It really pisses me off! And it also worries me. I sometimes stay awake at night wondering what will become of these kids because the world isn't giving out opportunities. How will they make it if even they have no hope at all? It's one thing to have hope and fight for what you want... but it's quite another when you don't even have the will or strenght to fight. It's fighting spirit vs broken spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that the world today is so much more harsh. It chews you up and spits you out over and over again. I park my car and walk to the cafeteria to grab another coffee... right now I need it to give me a much needed "kick" to get though the day. I have my coffee while watching the news and try to block out any thoughts. I just want to enjoy this coffee. I walk to the teacher's lounge and print out the work load for the day. The printer is ONCE AGAIN broken. I just give up and decide to write the whole exercize on the board. The bell rings... my heart races. I give myself this awesome speech in my head and tell myself I need to give it to my students... but when I walk into the classroom the words escape me. And I just start working with them and wwalk them through the exercizes. As I look around the classroom I think back to when I was they're age and in high-school. It sort of feel like I'm time travelling and I see myself looking back at me with that wild-eyed smirk I used to give my teachers. Anti-estabilishment spewing little know it all girl. That's who I was. I... I guess time broke me. And I ended up back at the town I swore never to return to as a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. I just sort of fell into it. But surprising enough I'm not that bad at it. I just wish I could infuse these kids with a little more motivation and fight. I would like to close my eyes and hear them say: "we will not go gentle into the nigh, we rage against the dying of the light and we shall win this fight!". But when I close my eyes all I hear is silence. So now the bell rings again and the kids scatter. I remain in my seat. The next class starts to walk in all wide-eyed and ready to get down to business. I love this class. They're really good kids. They always ask questions and do the best they can. And that's all I can ask of them. I just hope the world is merciful and gives them a fighting chance to reach their dreams. I am at my desk and I look around... the class room is so silent today. They're all very much absorved by the database assignment I gave them. But I also see some of them occasionaly checking facebook. What is up with that shit? Why is facebook so addicting? I wish there was someway to block it during class. I guess if it's just for a couple of minutes at a time it's not so bad. I just don't want them to fall into a cyber-world where they disconnect from everything else. Right now I just feel too tired to keep on fighting against that damned facebook! I just walked around the room asking them to turn the stupid thing off and continue the assignment. I have a huge headache and wish I was home. Everyday is the same as the last. Time passes as fast as a snail drags itself around. I see the IM blinking someone is trying to talk to me but I just stare at the blinking IM imagining all types of scenerios. Why would I do that? - you might ask... well... I have many contacts on my contact list but very few people I actually talk to. Which is the same as saying I have no actual friends. My cyber life matches my actual life - friendless, funless, loveless, hopeless. The next 30 minutes will pass excrutiatingly slow as the students struggle to finish today's assignment. I walk around and help them figure out what they didn't quite get. When I am busy with whatever time passes by a lot faster. But... in the other hand... it's not passing by fast enough. It's like I just want my life to be over so I can stop. I am so tired of constantly going through the motions. I just want it stop! One way or another. I just know I can't go on living this zombie-like existence where everyone ignores me and underestimates me. I am tired of people always making me feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough. I am so much better and smart than anyone gives me credit. I know I am. So is it that people feel the need to keep bringing me down? What is so threatening about me that they have to make me feel like crap all the time? The bell will ring soon and I'll be driving up to another school to teach first graders how to use computers. At 5 I'll pick up my kid from yet another school (he's in 5th grade) and we'll be heading home. He'll tell me all about his day and I'll give him advice. When we get home I'll help him with his homework (excep math... I'm no good at math; but he is, so we're golden). Then dinner, then some play time, then getting ready for bed and then sleepy time. I'll toss and turn around for a while. Watch Top Chef and Unsolved Mysteries. Fall asleep watching The Practice. And tomorrow it'll start all over again. By the way... the sound I woke up to was of some construction workers hammering away in my dad's coffee house. He rented it out to my oncle... again! So my miserable existence is about to get unbearable. This is my life.

The Key

2012-01-23T22:28:00.001Z

I wish I was wet like water
so I could put out this fire
that burns my heart to a blister
to a point I almost expire.

I am not here. I don't exist anymore
I am just waisting air and space
caught in between by ghosts of before
that still wander around this place

they still live in my distorted mind
taunting, showing me what I can't have
and what I yearn and will never find
forever longing for my better half

I have waited for many long years
I have crossed oceans of time
and I've cut through all these tears
for someone that was never mine

I've been here waiting for tomorrow
but I know tomorrow never comes
at my broken door only knocks sorrow
and at his feet my heart succumbs

My thoughts are mine and mine alone
he wonders freely and lives in them
my love a mindless prison has become
and I am happily in there with him.

But these are mere delusions
nothing but dreams to make me smile
they are nothing but sweet illusions
to keep me happy just for a while

Truth and reality are harsh and cold
the real world always spits at me
and as time passes and I grow old
I have this yearning for him to see

The whole world through my eyes
and how much he means to me
no matter how fast time flies
he will always have the key...

Freak

2012-01-23T15:53:00.002Z

I wish I could say what I feel
and feel what I say
I wish I knew what's real
home is where I lay

and where I lay is a broken home
I am nothing and nothing you see
all the bitterness may come
like it is now before me

nothingness always remains
and sorrow will subside
binding me like chains
stripping me of all pride

pluck this love from my chest
I don't want it anymore
I don't want second best
like I've settled for before

I want to be able to smile again
I want to burst out into song
I want to have more than one friend
I want to feel like I belong...

Then I'd be normal like you
I would no longer be a freak
I'd know what to say or do
and I'd be someone to keep.

But I am that lonely freak
living my life without a clue
I never want to stand and speak
Because all I think of is you.

In Dreams

2012-01-19T16:34:00.002Z

All the pretty colors
floating in my head
like whispers of others
that live far ahead

drug induced numbness
doesn't hide the pain
of failed happiness
that I relive once again

and with damp eyes
I wake each day
envying other lives
and words I want to say

In dreams I get caught
emprisoned by silent screams
fighting ghosts I've fought
once before in other dreams

but dreams become nightmares
and everything seems useless
you work through all the dares
only to realize life became pointless

then you slowly awake
and with eyes wide open
you feel like a big fake
you feel like you're broken

You sit still for a while
even though you're aching
you wish you could smile
but inside you're breaking

And in dreams you fall
sucked in to another world
where you're never small
and you have a soul...

Maybe this one time
you'll fight the nightmare
your smile will shine
and he'll actually care...

Moving On

2012-01-19T15:02:00.003Z

I am walking away. I need to move forward to the next stage. I can't hold myself back anymore. You've moved on and I just got stuck here... left behind. I know you had to go... there's so many things I want you know but I don't have to say it or explain it because you already know. I guess I've never moved on because I never got the chance to say goodbye. If I could back in time I'd tell you all the things I was affraid to tell you back then. But looking back I think you've always known... and now I'm left with a ton of doubt. But I've decided to let go of all of it and just move on because there's really nothing else I can do. I've poured my heart out to you and I guess that's it. Now starts the healing process...

Paper Doll

2012-01-19T14:35:00.004Z

I'm a paper doll waiting to live
watching as life passes me by
Wondering what I have to give
Living this paper-cut lie...

your name popped up on the wire
and I awoke to unspoken desire
I fall and get down on my knees
to be free of this chronic disease

but it's way too late
you're stuck on me like glue
and it's hard to wait
while my world is askew

I'm living in a slow swirl
I've been waiting forever
living in a different world
I've been waiting for never

But I'm still stuck here
in the paper house I built
keeps blowing away by fear
while I'm drowning in guilt

My whole life has been a mistake
it's always been a big disaster
I never allowed myself to awake
I never could find an answer

I'm a master of losing you
I'm great at messing up
I never could see what's true
I never really could catch up

And now I'm misplaced
I don't know what to do
I feel so disgraced
still in love with you

I'm a paper doll blowing in the wind
I close my eyes and hope for the best
everything I do comes on a whim
I just want it stop so I can rest

Standing Still

2012-01-16T15:42:00.005Z

I've always been a nervous young thing jumping from bed to bed looking for second best. No one in the whole world knows how hard I've tried to settle for second best... but second best was never quite good enough. There was always something missing. Thoughts of you wandered through my mind through the years and they were enough to make me smile for a while. The nervous monster in me has faded away. I am a very calm low key person now. My broken heart and sometimes mangled body have changed me. The pain and harm I inflicted upon myself has destroyed the nervousness I had inside. But it also put out the light in my eyes... The lively loud girl is no longer around... I am so very different from the person I used to be. But thoughts of you still remain, still making me smile. Words spoken echo in my head... I sometimes find myself giving endless speaches imagining what I should have said, how I should have been, how it could have been... I live in a world of fantasies. I am a rock slowly being eroded by time, words, laughter, actions. And the people around me are paper dolls being blown away by the wind. I remain alone slowly fading while other are blown away towards better and bigger things. The pains of loneliness are far greater than the joys my occasional smiles bring me. I am a nameless face in a sea of someone else's memories. At night in my bed I drift off thinking of fantastic ways to escape this prison I built for myself. I fall asleep and dream of a world of possibilities. But when the clock goes off it starts all over again. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm stuck and I can't move. I close my eyes waiting for the world to change when I open them. But when I do open them everything is different but me. I remain the same rock watching the paper dolls blowing away in the wind... smilling and waving... and I am left helpless and sad and alone. I am standing still waiting for another tomorrow.

Come Back

2012-01-15T16:49:00.001Z

Through songs and sighs
I plea for you to come home
you know how time flies
and it seems to roam

It takes you everywhere but here
and I'm still alone
waiting for you to appear
but you don't...

staring out my window
on a sunday afternoon
the sun is setting so slow
making way for the moon

and the loneliness it brings
while life is passing me by
seems like all of my feeling
turned to goodbye...

my heart is a block of ice
that only you can melt
I'm tired of rolling life's dice
hiding what I've always felt

alone in my bed I wonder
what are you doing now
my heart beats as thunder
you heard it somehow...

It calls for you through the night
pleading for you to come back
and bring with you light
before my heart cracks.

I wait for you but you don't come
all my efforts were pointless
I'm coming undone
drowning in loneliness...

Talk To Me

2012-01-14T22:02:00.001Z

when the world seems to end
when you feel like you can't mend
talk to me...

if you're heart is breaking
if you're soul is aching
talk to me...

when you're all alone
and feel like you're undone
talk to me...

when people bring you down
and you feel like leaving town
talk to me...

when the rain falls on you
and you're feeling blue
talk to me...

if you're tears don't fall
and you have no one to call
talk to me...

I will always be you're friend
untill the world comes to an end
so talk to me...
talk to me...

Forever You

2012-01-14T20:52:00.003Z

I have an itch on my back
that no one can scratch
but you...

I have a hole in my heart
that tears me apart
and it's you...

I keep all these secrets
while my heart beats
for you...

My screams are silence
I lose my balance
because of you...

the minutes turn to hours
and I'm turning sour
waiting for you...

and I'm crying in the dark
as my soul embarks
in search of you...

my heart bursts in the air
you were not aware
it's always been you...

But now you can see
that it will always be
forever you...

happiness can wait

2012-01-14T19:18:00.005Z

So now that the cat's out of the bag
I find myself at a stand-still
I feel like an old used up rag
hoping for just one last thrill...

Today my heart seems small
I pretend that the hurt is gone
but you and I know it's not gone at all
everything I thought right is wrong

Because you don't see me
in the same light that I see you
and now I don't know how to be
I am waiting for your queue...

and happiness can wait
it's waited this long and this far
my love has no expiration date
no matter where you are...

I know that now I have to be strong
as I've done throughout the years
and it never mattered how long
I cried all of these lonely tears

Because now you know... now you know
that this heart only ever beats for you
and even if there is no tomorrow
now you know what I've gone through

I'm still living in another world
waiting for you to knock on the door
waiting for your soothing words
like you whispered to me before

But happiness can wait this time
because surely you don't feel the same
but you'll always be on my mind
softly whispering your name...

the boy with the green eyes

2012-01-11T13:09:00.004Z

They say love conquers all... but what does unrequited love conquer? Nothing but sorrow, a loss of feeling and sense of self. I've spent most of my life trying to get over you but every time I think I am doing fine memories and thoughts of you come creeping in like the sun seeping in through the blinds of my window. In times of great sorrow you are always with me, in my thoughts. I never had the courage to tell you how I feel because I wanted to grow up. But the truth is I am grown up but these feelings remain. I sometimes tell myself they're nothing but a sweet fantasy I created to keep me going. Other times I am frustrated because I would like the fantasy to be reality. When I am around you I can't stop smiling and when I look in your green eyes nothing else exists... it's like you and I are the only ones in the world. Your smile alone keeps me going on for days... when you speak to me happiness seems possible. But I dare not ever talk about any of this with you or anyone else. I know such feelings couldn't possibly be reciprocal so I just live each day and dream of you at night. I have know idea what the hell I am thinking most of the time. I never know where or what life will bring. But the one thing that remained constant throughout my life is this aching inside me, this silent love I hold in my heart. I have changed inside and out. Nineteen years have passed! But you remain... I am forever the teenager who feel in love with the boy with the green eyes...

standing in the shadows

2012-01-10T19:28:00.002Z

Painkillers to numb the pain
sleeping pills to knock me out
pills to keep anxiety away
valium to calm me down
I am a zombie jacked up on meds
I close my eyes and numbness sets in
I wonder what goes through their heads
and on my face a sickly grin
rips through my altered face
junkie eyes staring back at you
weird senseless words spoken
and you still haven't a clue
as to why I am so broken...
The boy with the green eyes
is the boy I dream of
he haunts me and lives in my sighs
as the only perfect love.
But he has no idea who I am
the girl I was is long gone
I am now a woman and he a man
but none of us have won...
I can't deal with hardship
so I hide behind my pills
my quivering upper lip
while time stills
and guilt possesses me
for being such a coward
I only wish you could see
that I tried real hard
but couldn't walk
I am silence
I can't talk
I can't stand my own presence
so I stand in shadows
trying to push through
and no one knows
not even you
how much pain
lives within me
driving me insane
as I long to be free
but I am a pool of meds
trying to get by
watching how darnkess spreads
and waving goodbye...

backwards

2012-01-10T18:24:00.002Z

You're echoing words
keep picking at my soul
I am living life backwards
The dumbest love in the world
And it does not explain how
I always go back for more
the pain that I feel now
is harder than the pain I felt before
I live in old memories
and thoughts of how I wish it would be
great epic love stories
all a big fantasy
that I must decline
still the voice inside roars
you were never mine
but I am forever yours...

Y

2012-01-09T15:11:00.002Z

built up anxiety
long stored misery
shun from society
lost sobriety
have no propriety
faces are blurry
hands are blistery
in need of coffee
to cross that boundary
stumbling and deadly
pushing through free
words mumbled falsly
from a mouth so filthy
mistaken for flirty
disposition of a funny
man others see as godly
side-swept glory
decisions made hastely
I live like a gypsy
roaming humbly
trying to be free
but I'm a love junkie
sad and lonely and messy
brainwashed and loopy
always his groupie
tickling his belly
following him blindly
always the mantled bounty
all the baggage I carry
he gave to me happily
I'm alive but just barely
waiting to be free...

I wish I felt nothing

2012-01-08T18:50:00.003Z

So... I know that lately I've been a bit depressing. I guess the years of running around with scissors have taken a toll. I am oficially depressed. I find myself wondering what the point is all the time. It's hard waking up in the morning and trying to think of reasons to get out of bed... or even a good reason to explain your own existence. It also doesn't help when you feel the world is against you: your family nag, you're never quite what they wanted you to be. You don't fit the mold they wanted to shape you to. The people you work with don't understand you and most the times ignore you. But you're fine with that because you know they're just a bunch of twats that couldn't come up with an original idea if it hit them on the face in the form of a fart. Your love life is inexistent. You've lost all hope of ever finding your "soul mate" (whatever the fuck that is! I think TV brainwashed us into thinking that there is such a thing with all the romantic comedies that suck balls) so you basicly don't leave the house anymore because you feel it's pointless. Why go out to a bar or whatever just to get hit on by drunks and perverts that want to get in your pants? No thank you! I have better things to do with my saturday night, thank you very much! And it includes my pajamas, chocolate and a movie. With all this hitting me at once I guess I'm just trying to find a way to deal with the fact that happiness is (or was) just an illusion. It was right in front of me a couple of times but it always goes up in smoke. And you're left behind with a shattered version of yourself that you try to put back together but you know that some pieces are hard to find and glue back together. Everytime you shatter a little piece gets lost and eventually you'll get to a point when you realize that the hole is way to big to cover up so you experiment different ways to keep people from seeing who you really are right now. I think back to my life and to where and who I am now and I came to the conclusion that I am a very good actress... I've always adapted to every situation life threw at me. I've had to reinvent myself so many times that I can't quite figure out who to be now. Who am I? One thing I know... I am the weird girl standing in the corner waiting for someone to notice her and talk to her. But that never happens. So I'm at this point that I'm alone, I have no friends, no one knows me and nobody gets the chance to bolt on me. But still there's some kind of storm or hurricane of emotions waiting to explode. I feel angry, sad, melancholic, left behind... I feel like I'm no good, that I have no use and nobody needs me... I see and hear beauty and it's so hard to bare sometimes. There's no use saying "brace yourself" because whatever hits you, it hits you so hard that you're never prepared. And then your life changes forever. The person you could have been is lost forever and you sometimes get glimpses of her (or him) in your dreams. And when you wake up it all starts again...

the boredom of being numb

2012-01-04T21:33:00.003Z

It's been a couple of years since I felt like myself. I can say with certainty that I've been numbed b y all the shit that life threw at me. I think of life as one sick bitchy moneky throwing it's excrement at anyone passing by. Most people are aware that the bitchy monkey is going to throw shit at them but as usual I am the weird chick always looking at something else and not taking care or noticing the shit being thrown at me untill it hits me. So... I am covered in monkey shit right now. With all this excrement life as decided to make of my path I gained a very useful tool: numbing out the pain. I numb myself to anything bad. It's like I'm a robot and I have an on/off switch. So much so that I broke it and now it's constantly off. So now I'm this numbed out freakish girl that can't smile and that no one wants to hang out with. I am the freak who doesn't feel. The flesh and bone robot that life and society made. I so fought against becoming this person but in the end... they won. But I must confess that a little bit of the wild child is still buried deep inside and sometimes comes out to freak out the fucking conformist assholes who put me on a working-class zombie leash. I have a lot of anger rooted deep within and I'm afraid that one day I'll explode and it'll come oozing out soiling everyone around me... and won't that be a pretty sight! It'll be a big fucking slap of a smile on my face! But for now I am this numb little shadow of the person I once thought I'd be... I'm a cheap version of the person I was meant to be. I have been so numb for so long that it just got boring. And you know what? There is nothing worst in the whole wide world than boredom. Boredom is death. I have to break through this fucking wall I put up but I have no idea where to begin... I know, I know... I should begin with the begining. But the truth is I don't know where the begining begins and where the end ends... I can't make heads and tails of my life so I just set it on cruise control and have become one sick puppy just going along with the ride life or fate or whatever it is programmed for me. Maybe I should fucking punch the cruise control out until it short circuits and take control of this shity life myself. Because... you know what? I can't really screw up more than I already have. So I guess I'll just put aside this fear of failure and give it a go. As Muad'Dib (the movie Dune - which else?) said: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

New Year: giving in to fate

2012-01-02T15:22:00.004Z

I have been silent for quite some time. A new year has come and I find myself standing still. I am forever doomed and bound to this place. A puppet for these people. The smile that once my lips formed has been smacked from my face by fate. The light in my eye has been snuffed by circumstance. The sounding laughter silenced by a bleek future. My shape is not my own anymore. I have given the reign of my life to destiny. I am not myself anymore. This is what the new year brought me: an understanding... an awareness. You can't fight fate. It's pointless! It's like fighting against the strong current of the sea: eventually your arms will tire and you will stop fighting. You will accept your fate. I accept mine. So I don't know if I'll keep on writting because I find that there really isn't a point... I have succumbed to fate and have no will to keep on fighting it. That is what the new year taught me. There is no "hopefully", "eventually" or "maybe". I have no more imagined paths to write to let me keep on clinging to hope. There are no more dreams left within me to share. My imagination as died. My soul withered. My lips are numb and my fingers to dry and cold to keep on writting passionate make-believe stories. There are no happy endings. You are born naked and alone... and to the after life you are sent naked and alone. The in between is pointless and cruel. Too painful to recall. Better left unsaid as untouched versions of the truth. I don't pretend to know everything. Actually I think I know nothing... I just woke this new year with a sense that something inside me as finally broken... after everything I've been trhough it was the glimpse of another pointless new year that finally brought me to my knees. The past 5 years I've felt like I am standing still while the rest of the world is pushing forward at a speed that is mind-numbing painful and blinding. Everything, everyone I held dear moved on. I don't know if it is I who couldn't move on with them or if they just left me behind. I guess maybe a little bit of both. I know I am stuck but I don't know why... I want to move forward but I can't. There is no sane explanation as to why I won't allow myself to push on. I am tired... tired and worn out. We are two days into the new year and I am feeling more tired than ever I did before. Maybe my giving in to fate will put my mind at ease and allow me some rest.

Xmas Eve...

2011-12-24T22:46:00.003Z

So... it's Xmas Eve... it's 10:46 p.m. and we're all relaxing in our living-room. My son is wicked hyper jumping aroun asking to open xmas presents... we're watching midnight mass... I remembered a concert I went to in Oporto at the "casa da música". I went to see th king's choir. It was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. My father says the choir on TV is much better but as I'm listening to the king's choir on youtube... the choir on tv just pales by comparison even though the pope is present. I think they should have gone with the king's choir. My sister just asked me where the music was coming from I told it was me playing the king's choir on youtube but she still doesn't "get it". I think she'llnever understand... I think no one will never understand. And now (my mom is already in bed) we're debating religion... my dad is a very devout catholic and I am not. I believe in God but I don't believe in catholiscm. I think it's an abomination! It goes against all scriptures! Read the bible! I think people are just numb and tired from all the bullshit they go through life... so much so that they're not even in tune to what's going on in the world. They don't have a clue to what's going on... why? because the Vatican only tells you what you want to hear... what makes you feel better. That's what catholicsm is all about. As long as you "pay" for your sin, you're garanteed a place in heaven. And you know what? If that's the way it's going to be I'd rather go to hell than be in heaven with such people. I think I could neve STAND it! I can't even stand being here on earth with such people... imagine me... waling around in heave... surrounded by fucking hypocrits and popes and priests... child-molesters and adulterers... and... I don't even want to go there... you know why? because every year I go there and it never leads me anywhere... it just gets me a little (a shit load of more) pissed off at catholics. They fucking go to church, they pray and chant, and they come out and talk about what someone was wearing and every move they made and what they said when they left church and what car they were driving... all that fucking bullshit that doesn't matter... all the bullshit that doesn't affect the world... all the bullshit that would be best directed to subjects that DO matter! To people that DO matter... I just don't have the energy anymore... I wore everyone else (and myself) out. At this point... everyone has gone to bed. It's just me and my son... he's watching cartoons... I'm writing you guys. Why? I have no idea... it's Xmas eve... but I just paused a minute trying to "think" of the meaning of this day... and you know what? I haven't found one... It used to mean something years ago... now it just means you have to spend a shitload of money to keep everyone happy. Presents are the meaning of Xmas... more crudely, SPENDING MONEY is the meaning of Xmas... when did it become all about the mullah? When will it go back to spending time with family, sharing a meal, celebrating the birth of Jesus (s many of you well know wasnt on december)? Sometimes I feel like no one else in the world understands what I feel or think... and that makes me feel lonely and sad. I wish there were other people ut there that could understand what I am talking about.
I usually post an image with... I just paused a long while because... well... to tell th truth... it's xmas.

I am still here...

2011-12-15T14:28:00.003Z

It's almost Xmas... I am surrounded by people, friends, family, co-workers, but I feel more alone than ever before. Is it me? Or is it them? I know I never quite fit in anywhere... I never really felt part of my famiy, of my group of friends... I've always been the loner, the outsider. It's like all my thoughts, ideas, beliefs are frowned upon and I can't understand why. Why is it wrong to feel or think the way that I do? Why is it that I am weird because I think for myself or have diferent opinions or perceive things differently? Why is that? If you're not part of the heard your just cast aside and forgotten. And so you just have to push forward and hope that someday you'll find someone who is as lonely and "weird" as you are to keep you company. But what if there isn't anyone around as fucked up and lonely as you are? Well... I guess then you're screwed. But still... even then you should just keep pushing forward and smile. Maybe the universe will take pitty and throw something nice your way. At least that's what I'm hoping... One thing all you sheep should realize: I'm here to stay! I'm not going anywhere... I AM STILL HERE!

a murder of crows

2011-12-14T12:51:00.003Z

I was driving to work today and a murder of crows was flying ahead... it was like they were making way for me to pass. It felt... I have no idea how it felt. It was a bit odd... like something was taken from me and the crows were trying to warn me of troubles not far ahead. I guess I feel like the life I was supposed to be living was taken from me. It's like I'm not myself. I am a zombie... shaped and molded by society. It's funny... I've always fought to be able to express my own opinions and think for myself... to stay strong and fight for what I believe to be right... to respect others for who they are. I so wanted to be myself... but I don't know who I am. The only consistincy in my life is the fact that I don't know who I am. I feel stuck. I feel like a prisoner trapped in a dark underground dungeon who lost all hope of ever seing the sun again. Why is it that everything I ever had gets ripped from my hands? and I try so hard to hold on to whatever that when someone, be it fate or an actual person, rips it from my hand thy also tear my fingernails off and I am left bloody on the floor crying and feeling lost. Love was taken from me. I was fine because I had a job and I dove right into it. But now that too is slowly being taken away by other people who are absolute idiots that couldn't ever tell their asses from their faces. It really ticks me off that I spent time and money studying at one of the best universities of this fecking country only to be pushed around by such idiots that had to "buy" their degree. I keep telling myself "just breathe" but it's getting harder and harder to keep focus because everyone around me wants to see me fall. You might think that I'm paranoid but if you only knew what I go through everyday of my boring pathetic life you would be completely insanely paranoid... maybe even check yourselves in a mental institution. And I think about how I used to be... I used to be fun and happy... I was lively and had a spark in my eye. But now I just feel dead inside. I am always tired and sad... I am always mad at the world. Why is that? I used to be a people's person but people let me down so many times... I have no faith in people anymore. I don't trust anyone. I sometimes don't even trust myself. And so now I walk this world alone... with a fake smile on my face and sadness in my eyes.

your love is a drug

2011-12-12T20:49:00.002Z

your love is a drug I can't kick
it's madness bottled up inside
I want to leave but I can't quit
it's embarrasment I can't hide
It's too much for me
to remember it all,
not to have what I see
to stumble and fall
and wallow in misery
time slips through my fingers
and I'm not yet free
my heart still lingers
hopeful and wide-eyed
waiting for forever
but I just realized
I'm just waiting for never...

We the people

2011-12-12T15:13:00.002Z

A bunch of liars
sitting across your table
promising your all desires
but they're nothing but a fable

they smile and wave
but they're hungry
for the money they shave
from people like me

democracy is a whore
servicing the rich
she'll never be like before
she'll always be a bitch

politicians are like lovers
they tell you what you want to hear
but they whisper sweet nothings to others
while you think you're the only "dear"

they roam the land
in their luxuary cars
kissing babies holding hands
leaving open scars

and we the people suffer
while their purses grow
our lives get tougher
while they put on a show

so they can distract us
but I am aware of all
wake up! we need progress!
and not politicians that crawl

into office thirsty for power
raping the land, murdering hope
turning sweet to sour
throwing us people down a slippery sloap.

This is our history now
but we have power to change it
they only take what we allow
we must unite what they have split.

a gift...

2011-12-09T15:09:00.003Z

there are no words to describe what's inside
there aren't enough tears for me to cry
and this burning heart beats a mile a minute
and stops with just one sigh...

when there aren't enough hands to hold you
up to the sky weightless like a balloon
searching everywhere for some place new
don't worry, you'll find your place soon

when you close your eyes and see nothing
you know your imagination is long gone
and you try with your last breath to cling
to everything you were and have done

but then you open your eyes
and the light burns
and you realize
the world always turns

and you're not who you thought
but you're not who you wanted
you're not the people you fought
and you're not haunted...

you're living someone else's life
and you always feel like a stranger
walking the edge of a sharp knife
constantly looking out for danger

but this is your real story
and this is your own life to live
there is no shining or faded glory
just this broken heart to give...

It'll beat for thee...

2011-12-08T22:33:00.003Z

once ripe with love
now withered and empty
a heart that pumps blood
shouldnt break so easily
but time plays tricks
and ensnared me in it's web
with a broken heart I can't fix
and a sea of tear I shed
the sound it made
was such sweet music
why it had to fade
and make me sick
is a strange mistery
a desperate lost cause
that suddenly hit me
and brought out my flaws
This heart is now a stone
cold and hard to the touch
to each his own
to me not much
Such a heart is hard to mend
too much time has passed
too many rules to bend
too much blood to bleed
but if it ever beats again
it'll beat for thee...

Before & After - color splashing

2011-12-05T22:05:00.001Z

I'm sorry

2011-12-05T21:12:00.003Z

I am sorry it took me years to awake
and realize what I lost...
I am sorry I couldn't see before
I was blinded by the drugs
and all the parties
I am sorry I mistreated you
You were the only one who would
stay for the aftermath
and held my hair when I got sick
You would spend your nights awake
while I slept off my drunkeness
You stuck by me through the bad
I am sorry you had to nurse me
and I could never give you the good.
I am sorry I never said "thank you"
and I am sorry I never said "I love you"
All that I was died when you left
but I was too proud to call you up.
I was too afraid you wouldn't answer.
I was too scared you might come back
and I'd screw up all over again.
I never wanted you to carry my baggage
for it is mine alone to carry.
I never wanted to hurt you
I just wanted to hurt myself.
And so I did.
I'm sorry I never told you
how I felt.
I am sorry you'll never know.
I'm sorry I loved you
and let you go...
But when you love someone
you set them free.
And so I did.
Now you're happy.
And I'm glad I got out of the way
I'm glad I never gave you reasons to stay
But I feel sorry for myself
for I will never know love
like the love you gave me.
And now I can see...
it's far too late
but I just had to write it.
I had to let go...
so that I can continue to grow.
And maybe someday
I'll be able to say
"I love you too"...

Open your eyes

2011-11-18T13:39:00.003Z

open your eyes and turn your head
you're laying on a hospital bed
like a dead body in a casket
pushing daisies through a basket.

You can't move or say a word
you were never who they think you are
and as you let slip your soul
you thank God for all the scars

because they define you
they made you special
even if you thought it wasn't true
even though you thought them evil

open your eyes and see yourself here
I'm not the girl you think I am
I'm not who i appear to be
my life has been a sham...

I feel my soul slipping away
wasted feelings in my pocket
But I'm not the one who's crazy
I'll take them with me in my casket

I open my eyes and turn my head
I see myself staring back at me
I smile remembering what you've said
But I am not crazy...

Quicksand

2011-11-17T13:49:00.004Z

Heart races
mouth is dry
my mind escapes
to a sweet lie

his hand on my skin
is pure illusion
that makes my head spin
and dive into confusion

your breath on my neck
and whispered words
are but a tiny speck
of sighs being answered...

Inside me a fire burns
and purges hunger
And the longest yearns
exist no longer...

I spread my legs to the sun
and it fills me with sighs
that have yet to be broken
by the look in his eyes...

And here I lay
warm and content
with nothing to say
and with no repent.

I close my eyes
the sun on my face
hides all the lies
that I have misplaced...

I fall back to reality
with trembling hands
for the world to see me
drowning in quicksand...

Your Words...

2011-11-16T14:40:00.003Z

Your words are like liquid
flowing free and irrelevant
reminiscint of what we did
of what I want to do and can't

of what I always wished for
but can never get
of a song I heard before
but hasn't been writen yet

your eyes pierce my soul
your lips haunt my dreams
your hands try to grab hold
to silence my screams

And now that I am quiet
You break through my barrier
looking for the girl who riots
but I am no longer her...

And your words bounce off me
like raindrops from the sky
because now that I am free
I wont fall back into a lie...

Wednesday Ramblings

2011-11-16T13:10:00.005Z

I've been very on edge lately. Like the wrong word or look might set me off. I've been wanting certain things that I know aren't right. But you know what they say: You know it's bad for you but it feels oh, so good! My body is telling me one thing, actually it's screaming out for something I don't want to give it. I'm scared of losing control again. I've lost control of my life so losing control over myself again is not an option. Even if it means I must remain away from the world, even if it means being alone all the time and not having friends. I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there again. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to get hurt again. I don't think I'd come back from that again... Having your heart broken over and over is a lot like breaking one of your favorite knick-knacks and glueing it back together: there will always be pieces missing and you'll get to a point when you realize that it's best to throw it away and buy a new one. But the thing is you can't get a new heart. If you get to a point when you have to get a new heart then you know you're in trouble. What I'm trying to say is that I'm close to that point and I really don't want to have to live without heart. I've lost my passion fir lots of things. That spark in my eye burned out. The smile on my lips died. The joy in my voice is silent. I'm not the person I was. I am not the person I wanted to be. I'm a shadow, a fragment of a bad dream I once had years ago. I'm a fucking clichet! The eternally brooding bad girl destroyed by love (or lack of it). All I want is... to be happy. I don't want to be stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like a screw-up. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to have fun without feeling guilty or worrying what other people might think. I want to experience everything like I'm living it for the first time. I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to get myself back! I want to be myself again...

Untitled

2011-11-13T16:07:00.007Z

My soul is too big for my body
my eyes too sad for my face
my senses too numb to feel
my life too far from grace...

I want to crawl outside the world
and fall asleep with the stars
set free my crumpled soul
and make it ours...

my lips are too cold to kiss
my tongue too dry to taste
my touch too rough to miss
and my legs too old to haste

I want to fall into you
and be one of your dreams
My name echoing through
your morning silent screams...

blue

2011-11-13T16:03:00.003Z

I am the ocean: sometimes wild and destructive, other times calm and soothing...

but always blue!

The girl with sad eyes

2011-11-12T20:58:00.003Z

My smiling face hides it's grace
my everlasting grin is made of sin
my thoughtfoul remarks sound like barks
while my hands carry out simple plans

my feet walk to the same beat
my arms surrender to your charms
as my lips draw your hands to my hips
but my eyes hide all the cries...

you see, all of me is a lie
what you don't know
is that inside I die

to anyone who can really see
I am the girl with the sad eyes
that is who I am, that is me...

November 1st

2011-11-01T22:03:00.003Z

It's the first day of november and I feel like something has to change. I feel like my life is being pulled out under me like an old rug. I have no idea what to do, who to be or where to go. I feel like a headless chicken running around crazy those last minutes of it's life. I think back to the person I used to be and I don't like what I remember but I also don't like what I now see in the mirror. When I was young I never wanted to be the person that I am now. And now I realize that I never wanted to be the person I was either. So the question is who am I really? Am I myself or am I what other people want me to be? I'm so confused... All I ever wanted out of life I never got. I wanted to make a diference in the world, never happened. Wanted to find love, never happened. Wanted peace and quite, hasn't happened either. Wanted to live somwhere far from this place, hasn't happened. I feel like if I have to sum up all of my life I can come to the conclusion that I'm a failure. I'm left wanting. Sometimes I feel like there's an emptiness inside me that nothing can appease. Sometimes I feel like there's a yearning that burns inside me and makes me dream of things not far behind, of things yet to come. But then I look up at the moon and I realize that I am still here, in this reality, where I am a failure and people laugh at me behind my back. Sometimes I just close my eyes and whish myself away. But when I open them I realize that another day is coming. Another day I have to get through and endure. I often ask myself when will I wake up? When will I open my eyes to a diferent reality? I know that our fates are what we make of them but I feel like all the fight I had in me is gone and I just want to lay down and sleep. I feel like I could sleep forever...

Loveless Pain

2011-10-29T15:52:00.002+01:00

Tears run me through like knives
I am sure as the warm bright sun
That we lead wretched lives
Forgetting all the bad things we've done
The stars are like pinholes in the curtain of night
They remind me of the dirty pores of my skin
How can something so wrong feel so right?
And every sad tear I shed
shall overflow under the cold moon
For I am ashamed of the life I led
And now I'm surrounded by gloom
I still remember your unsettling grin
As you lay beside me on my bed
I still feel your warm breath
and I picture it all in my head
It all haunts me in my dreams
every excruciating word you said
that I try to drown with my screams...
Nothing is as it seems
but I can't hide the pain anymore
I don't think I'll ever love again
I already shut that door
It causes too much pain...
Someone is trying to get close...
All the questions he asks
the moves he makes
all he wants are the facts
of what made me break...
Love destroys the spirit
of anyone who dares give it.
I haunt the night
Away from light
Driving myself insane
with this loveless pain...

Hopeless and broken

2011-10-27T21:40:00.002+01:00

Summer ended abruptly this year... there was no time for autumn. Winter came and with it nothing new. Except for the widening of the hole I have where my heart used to beat. I close my eyes and listen... but nothing. There is no heart beating. It froze. I do not think it will ever melt. It came as sudden as this year's winter but unlike the seasons it will not change. I fear I am bound to this frozen heart for the rest of my days. Nothing brings me much confort or joy. Not even the dream realm gives me hope anymore. I am the perfect picture of sorrow. As I am sitting here writting this I sometimes stop and look out my window. The flickering lights of houses far away used to light up some sense of wonder but this night that curiosity is dead. I don't care to imagine what other people might be doing at this hour. I don't care to imagine that "the one" might be under the same dark sky looking up trying to find stars through the curtain of clouds that winter brought feeling the cold rain on his cheeks and barely smilling while wondering... I don't care for those things at all anymore. All they breed is bitterniss, frustration, anger, loneliness, sorrow... I care not for any of those things. I care not for anything anymore! I just want to lay down, rest my tired head and my weary body, and just sleep. I know that tomorrow the same lights of houses far from here will still be flickering and people will still be going about their business and I will still be here stitting at my desk... hopeless and broken.

Gone

2011-10-25T13:58:00.005+01:00

I ran from myself for far too long
now the memories have faded
like an old song
that has been bettered

I close my eyes and darkness seeps in
there's nothing left of the world
I once created and lived in
there is nothing left of my soul

This broken shell you call body
is but an empty vessel
for those who are angry
for those who are blissful...

I am bored of this life
I am tired of walking
the edge of a knife
constantly acting

and playing a part
that does not suit me
I gave away my heart
so I could be set free

but the emptiness took over
and the absence of emotion
is like a cronic blister
that you treat with caution...

I have lost all desire
I'm finished and done
there's no more fire
everything is gone.

misery...

2011-10-21T23:00:00.003+01:00

There is a hole inside me the size of the world. Sometimes it seems to burn from the inside and all that's left is ash... I'm affraid that one day a strong wind will come and blow what's left of me away. I have seen such wonders that manypeople can only imagine. I have felt such sorrow that I do not wish it on anyone... even to those who hate me and wouldsee me fall. Every waking hour I fight against the tears that try to pierce my eyes. Every waking hour is a struggleto move on. I keep telling myself over and over "just breathe". I close my eyes and just hear myself breathing. I struggleto keep focus. I struggle against my anger. I struggle in this town... I try to fit in but there is no way I'll ever belong.Not only because I am different but also because I don't want to. People often say that I am weird and see me as a ditsy little thing just stumbling through but the truth is I just let them underestimate them because I don't want to have to deal with any of their backstabbing ways. Still they try to bring me down. What is it about me that is so threatening? I stillhaven't figured out why some people feel so threatened by me... I am just a poor aging woman trying to live in peace... I am here because of my son. If it weren't for him I would never have come back here. I absolutely HATE it here. I wish I could leave. But I can't... so everyone will just have to learn how to deal with that and find a way to leave me be.I don't want any of your cracker ass drama. I just want to be left alone to do my job. That's it. It might bring you allpleasure to know that my life is at it's best misery... so please... just leave me be or I promise you I will make you chokeon all the crap you send my way. I will not be stepped on and I am most definitely not a person to be trifled with.This is who I am... I am hurting and I am down... but if you keep poking me with a stick I will bite! Head my warning!Just leave me be and direct all your drama towards someone else I haven't the stomach for it nor the patience to dealwith bitchiness. But I will destroy anyone who gets on my last nerve and I am reaching the limit... I am at the thin line... I beg of you all, not for my sake but for yours, stop all of your punk-ass drama! You should direct such energies towardsbeing better people and helping others and not wasting your lives away on trying to bring down a sad little pup like me.Anyway... I can't help but feel flattered... even though I still don't know why I get people all hot and bothered. I amnothing... like I said, my life is at it's best misery. But you know what they say: "Misery loves company!"

My past caught up with me last night...

2011-10-20T14:16:00.002+01:00

I was without internet connection since sunday. Yesterday they came and fixed it. I was excited to get my social life back. In my case, cyber social life... it's a long debate but many people think and defend that the cyber social life kills the real social life... I guess that maybe in some ways this is true. But that's another story. And so I started surfing the web again... reading news, looking up friends (old and new), listening to music (also old and new), looking up movie reviews, and other stuff... and a name that I haven't thought about in a long time popped up in my head... so as tha curious bug that I am I looked him up on facebook. A rush of emotions ran through me... but in the end one feeling stood out the most: pain. He hurt me. He broke my heart. It is safe to say that my heart hasn't been broken too many times because I never let myself get hurt. I never let myself fall in love. I always ran from love... but this one time I actually believed it was possible to be happy. I was so wrong... I opened up my heart and gave myself to a man that never was... and got my heart broken. It hurts still... because the man I thought him to be was never real. He was always an illusion I let myself believe in. And so that's what I miss... the man I thought him to be but never was. The man of my dreams. Does he exist? I don't know... and sometimes I think I'll never know. I guess maybe I had my happiness... or maybe I'm meant to roam the earth hoping and searching for someone or something that doesn't exist...

Withered

2011-10-20T12:45:00.003+01:00

Light has faded from my eyes
poetry has left my lips
your name gone from my cries
my heart eclipsed

broken into a million small pieces
that no one in the world can see
for you it's beating ceases
even after all this time free

my soul still lingers
clasping what isn't there
remembers your soft fingers
running through my hair

your big blue stare
running me through
naked and bare
all for you!

But you weren't mine
you aren't mine still
I crossed the thin line
and followed my will

And now I live in hell
a baren place I created
I have broken and left my shell
for a love that was never fated.

All of your words, your sighs
the sweet look in your eyes
were all simple lies

that I thought true
because I believed you
because I loved you...

Going back

2011-10-12T14:09:00.001+01:00

I often find myself wondering if I could go back in time what would I do different? Would I change anything? Would I try to "fix" my life? Maybe the question I should ask myself is if I could go back knowing what I know today would I do anything different? I thought about it very carefully and the truth is I made many mistakes throughout my life. I am not that old but I have quite a record of bad decisions and mistakes. Even though I am aware that many people hold such mistakes against me I don't think I'd change anything because every decision I made however wrong it was it made me who I am today. And I must say that I like who I am now. I don't like who I was but I am content with who I am. Of course there are things that I'd like to change but I realize that everyone has something they'd like to change. And you know what? That's just how life is... if we were all perfect and happy we would be gods and therefore we'd be somewhere else and not on this Earth and that would be a shame because however gloomy, harsh and unfair the world can be it also has such beauty and simplicity that it makes my heart weep and sing and the same time. It's true that I am not happy with my surroundings... but I am trying to make the most of it. I am trying to live and let live... as for the people who live here it's another story. They do anything but live and let live... they like to make other people's lives living hells... but you know what? For the innocent the past may hold a reward but for the treacherous it's only a matter of time before the past delivers what they truly deserve...

Nervous Breakdown

2011-10-03T15:06:00.002+01:00

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown... I literally am so tense that my back feels like a dried up stick of wood about to break. My muscles are so tight that I can barely move. I go to sleep screaming inside my head and wake up with that same scream. What is happening to the world? None of the kids I teach want to learn... they've given up on their lives before they even started... It saddens me. I try to make them see but it's pointless. They've lost all hope so they don't even care about their education. So in a couple of years I think that our world will take a huge step back... maybe even go back in to the dark ages. All the high tech gadgets will become obsolete and unused machinery that we remember but never use anymore. I don't know if I should look forward to the step back or dread it. In a way a return to nature would be a release from all the stress we face every day... but on the other hand I don't know how the current generation will face such changes.
These kids have awful taste in music and movies. They don't read... ever! They mock each other and start their sex lives way too early. I worry about them. Sometimes late at night I think of my students and how I can reach them. I try to make myself easy to talk to and I give them advice but in the end all I can do is hope they make the right decisions and that rarely happens. I wish there was more I could do but I feel like my hands are tied and all I can do is be here when they need a helping hand os someone to listen to them and understand what they're going through. I mean... I was their age once I can relate to some of the stuff they go through. I guess just listening is a huge help but I do wish I could do more. I wish they would listen to me as I listen to them. Or maybe they do listen... sooner or later.

Always the geek

2011-09-30T14:57:00.001+01:00

I login but nobody cares
all my online friends ignore me
No one sees all my shares

Someone help me find the key
on this stupid online game
Am I so blind that I can't see

Social networks and chatrooms
webcams and roleplaying games
cyber dating equals social doom

This cyber life of mine
is as boring as the real thing
Everything lost it's shine

all the bits and bites
don't make me happy anymore
all the wrong I try to right

has grown into one big cyber mess
googling high school friends sucks
so I play a game of chess

but my computer beats me everytime
and none of my online friends chat me up
what was my crime?

I'm ignored in cyberspace
just like in real life
I guess I lost my grace...

I kill myself a thousand times a day
but I keep getting bonus lives
My lips are chapped cause I don't have a thing to say

days go by and I don't utter a word
I spend hours alone on my old computer
Trying to find my place in the world

Cyber or real... none of them want me
I don't have a place of my own
I am the odd duckling you see

In cyberspace or walking down the street
in a chatroom or having a cup of coffee
I will always be a geek.

the lesser of two evils is still EVIL

2011-09-28T13:35:00.002+01:00

I read today that constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil... and it got me thinking... well... it got my mind racing with all sorts of thoughts. And I have a question: what if all we have to choose from is evil? What if we have no other choices? What then? Are we all doomed to make bad choices for the rest of our lives? Are we put on this earth to walk paths of sorrow untill the day we grab ours chests and die? Or is earth our own personal hell? I always thought that we all lived in the hell we make but now that I read that piece of wisdom I am not so sure... I think maybe we're all in hell as we thought of it. Maybe we live in some sort of twisted matrix world where we're all hooked up to virtual reality machines making us relive our darkest nightmares as punishment for whatever... I have no freaking idea... I am just freaking out and pissed at the world. I am also pissed at myself. Couldn't explain the reasons if I wanted to... all I know is that I have these awful feelings inside of me. All I know is that this rush of emotions is driving me insane. All I know is that I am constantly having panic attacks and just want to crawl into bed and hideout under the covers and sleep my life away.

You're my medicine...

2011-09-24T20:07:00.002+01:00

I've got an ache inside an illness that's eating at me. It's burning from the inside and I feel like my skin will soon start to melt off. I look in the mirror and my eyes deceive me. I am not the young hopeful girl with big dreams I am a 34 year old woman whose window of opportunities has just closed. I feel like my life is done. Now I just have to work... work untill I grab my chest, take one last breath and die.
I have this dream... I am still hanging on to this one... I dream of a man that will come and make me forget about all the sorrow and pain I've been through. Someone that will come and make me smile again. A ray of warm light to cut through the darkness I've been hiding in. Are you out in the world? Are you coming my way? Maybe you got lost along the way as I did... I must tell you you're my medicine. You're the medicine that will cure my blues.

burst of confetti

2011-09-22T22:49:00.003+01:00

My heart explodes... confetti bursts through the air as I stand still. My face is a cold stone. It doesn't reflect the pain I am actully feeling. The pieces of my heart float away on the breath of an afternoon breeze. I watch as all the small little pieces float up in the air. I try to shead a tear but I strain my eye. My face is a stone... it can't cry. It's emotioneless. And now I am heartless. Feelings don't live within anymore. I am an emtpy vessel. A shadow that is forever doomed to walk the earth. A statue. A stone hardened by the world around me. Heartless, tearless, numb. How far I've fallen! I am in the deepest of the deep. I have no where else to go. What do you do when you are shunned from your home? I started to feel at home here in this town even though years ago I ran from it. I guess my instincts were right... I never should have come back. Nothing has changed! The people here are still the same bitches and assholes they were when I left. What the fuck was I thinking? I had too much faith in people. I had faith in myself and these fuckers took it away. I have nothing left now. Nothing! I am an empty shell longing to be taken back to the sea...

numb

2011-09-22T21:38:00.002+01:00

Right now I am feeling numb. It's like the whole world is going round and round and round and I am standing still oblivious to any of the things happening around me. It's like the whole universe is running on fast forwaard and I'm on pause. All the movement and life around me is making me dizzy. I just want to close my eyes and open them to a better world. I want to open my eyes and see fairness. I don't want to hear or read that some shit politician stole money. I don't want to know that politicians make 4 or 5 times more money than anyone else. I don't want to read that poverty has reached the highest percentage since the 90's. I don't want to hear about people losing their jobs and having no work. I don't want to see people stabbing each other in the back. I want to open my eyes and see my son grow up to be a man. A fine man... just, healthy and happy. I want to dance at his wedding. I want to hold my grandchildren. I want to be able to smile again.

got jobs?

2011-09-21T14:21:00.003+01:00

I've been a living in Portugal for many years. My parents are portuguese. I came here to go to school. I ended up staying here for university. I've always loved this country but now... now I am starting to hate it! I've waisted years of my life studying trying to better myself for nothing. I am a teacher on the verge of unemployment. And I am not alone. There are thousands more. And we're all in this position because of corruption. The whole system is corrupt. The government is corrupt. If you look up the word "corruption" in the dictionary you will find a picture of the portuguese government. The legal system is a joke. Tax payers are paying a shit load of money so that we can be daily sodomized by everyone. The little guy always gets screwed. What are we to do? It would be a whole different case if we were lazy and wanted to stay at home doing nothing and getting welfare. But it's not the case. We WANT work! There has to be a solution. You can't just fire us all to make room for your fucking "friend of a friend" politics. And you surely can't have a phys. ed. teacher teaching computer science. What the hell does he know about it anyway? He knows how to write letters with MS Word, or some basic functions on MS Excel... ah! and he has a fucking facebook profile. That's how you fucking governamental idiots think of us? You need a reality check. Or maybe advise your fucking "friends" to get the right university degree so us REAL teachers don't feel like we're being fucked. It's absolutely unacceptable! They don't even try to hide the fact that they're getting "jobs for the boys". It's a fucking conflict of interest. What the fuck is going on? Is this the world we live in today? Are we always going to be defined by the people we know? If you don't know the right people you are definitely fucked for life. What are we to do? lay down and die? I refuse to do so. I think it's time for another revolution...

unappreciated

2011-09-21T14:13:00.002+01:00

It's been several years since I've felt like this. I feel unappreciated, overwhalmed, scared, angry, sad... all the awful feelings we one time or another feel when we're about to brake up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's that feeling in the pitt of your stomach like you've been punched. In the midst of such feelings you feel broken, unmotivated, powerless... Like your life has no meaning. Tears rush to your eyes when you least expect them. You walk around feeling and acting like a zombie. You can't think about anything else but the cause of your anxiety. It has absolutely taken over your daily life. Like nothing before ever happened and like nothing ahead will ever happen. Uncertainty rules you, chews you up and spits you out. You hardly ever sleep and when you do nightmares take over. When you wake you feel like something a sick cat coughed up. Nothing makes you smile anymore and with the passing hours you turn into this sarcastic evil bitch that snaps at everyone and everything. You can't stand to be around people and you can't stand to be alone either. All this I don't wish unto anyone. Not even people who hae done me wrong. And now imagine feeling this way about a job...

SFW...?

2011-09-16T15:06:00.002+01:00

So what if I'm 34 years old and still living at home? So what if I don't make enough money to pay my bills? So what if I have a 10 year old son in school? So what if I want to work and I don't have a full-time job? So what if I went to university and worked hard for my degree? So what if I have to borrow money from my parents? So what if I don't have a car and have to use my mom's? So what if I can't afford any kind of decent life? So what if the country goest to shit? So what if bankers and politicians embezzle money? So what if the rich get richer and the poor get miserable? So what if I worked hard every year of my life and beyond the call of duty? So what if I am unwinlligly near unemployment because some fucking asshole in the ministry of education decides that tech teachers are obsolete? So what if that same asshole can't see that computers, robotics and other aspects of technology are the future? So what if those type of jobs are being given to unqualified personel just because they have the RIGHT last name? So what if I am frustrated? SO FUCKING WHAT???????

Stuck in a funk...

2011-09-03T19:17:00.003+01:00

I've been trying to understand the path my life has taken these last couple of years and I must say that I'm completely baffled! I have no idea where I'm going. Where I've been... well... that's a different story. I've always been surrounded by... I have no name for it. Sometimes I've been right in the middle of the nameless feeling or happenings. It wasn't all bad though. I've had some happiness. I just can't seem to get some at this stage of my life. Why? I have no clue. Like I said... I have no idea where I'm going. I guess I just hit auto-pilot and am letting life take me where ever it wants me to be. What I mean is: I've always fought fate and tried to build my own path but the truth is no matter how hard I fought I always end up where life wants me to go. So what's the point? I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to choose. I have to wait for the wind to push me towards the direction I'm supposed to go. I know who I used to be. It was never the person I wanted to be. But who am I supposed to be now? I have no clue about that one either... I guess I'm stuck in this limbo and don't know how to get out of this funky funk. Love life is... well... it isn't. And I've come to terms with that one. There are other ways to be happy but I can't seem to fulfill myself with any of them. I always feel like something is missing. Like I have this hole inside of me that can't be filled. Maybe one day I'll find it's full. And maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that I'm the person I always wanted to be. Or maybe later that day I'll disappoint myself and end up right where I am now. It's a vicious cycle. But the one thing that never changes is change and I can't wait for some change to happen to me and to my life.

complicating uncomplicated things...

2011-08-16T19:21:00.002+01:00

I often wonder why some people have the natural born talent to complicate everything. My last post was kind of insane and I will let you know why. The truth is that I am surrounded by people that complicate every little thing and thrive on gossip. As you well know gossip as a very particular snowball effect - for example, you say "la" and when it reaches it's full potential it's now a "la-di-da-di-da"! D'you understand? I'm not big on all that drama. I absolutely get bored and annoyed with drama queens and there are many around me. Also there are is a growing group (or sect?) of drama kings. You all know what drama queens (and/or kings) are right? I can't stand all their bickoring and making everything about them and they're always playing the role of the victim. I absolutely stay away from all that crap. Because it is what it is - absolute crap! I am a dreamer... I day-dream all the time and I am always looking forward to the night fall so I can go to bed and slip into the dream realm. I like to imagine all kinds of alternative realities and get sucked into them. I find that everything is very clear to me. But sometimes I get messed up because I'm in the midst of people that complicate the uncomplicated. It's like living in a town of emotional vampires that are constantly at me trying to suck the life out of me. I feel like I won't be able to fight them off much longer. I am so tired. There's very little energy in me to fight off all the evil people that surround me. But I most absolutely die trying. And this is my life! A constant battle against drama and gossip. A true apic fight against everything I loath. A war against people that wish I wasn't here and try their best to get me to leave. Well... I have news for all of you! I'm not going anywhere! Deal with it!

The day after...

2011-08-15T17:39:00.002+01:00

I am now 34 years old. It all seems so unreal to me. It's like I fell asleep and just woke up old, tired and heavy. I just let life pass me by and now I'm just numb and wondering where it all went wrong. Or maybe it's the way it should be. I have no idea. I'm a bit confused at this point. The past few years I saw things so clearly. Eveyrthing was always so black or white to me. I never "believed" in grey areas. But now... I'm not sure of anything anymore. Is this what they call the midlife crisis? I have no idea. Maybe not or I wouldn't have identified it as such. Maybe I'm just having the post-birthday blues. Maybe tomorrow and the next day and next week I'll still be having doubts. I am always second guessing myself but now I'm just confused about everything! I had such high hopes and dreams of where and who I wanted to be at this point in my life and I so missed the mark. I am far from anything I ever imagined. But at the same time I'm not sad nor frustrated. I'm just confused because I never thought I could "survive" here and I think the past two years I've been doing a good job. Maybe I can endure. Maybe I can be happy here being this person I never thought I'd be.

Birthday Blues

2011-08-14T13:48:00.002+01:00

Today is my 34th birthday. I thought I would have fun and that THIS year things would be different but... the truth is I think that things will always be THIS way on my birthday. My aunt is sick. There's a funeral today. My dad... well... my dad ignores me completely and is going to be late for dinner because he was a "thing"... I know I'm not a little kid anymore but I would like to have a friggin'm normal birthday just once in my life! I would like not to be a nervous wreck because of all the family feuding and I would like to gather my whole family for a nice cocktail party of some sort. I would like to be sitting at the table and watching everyone get along and think about how blessed I am. But the truth is far from what I would like. My oncle, my father's twin, married the most horrid woman you can imagine. She's a complete redneck evil person and I absolutely can't tolerate her presence. I wish she would go away. So that's one part of the family I'm not having over. My dad is fighting with my godfather, his older brother, and aren't currently on speaking terms... so that's another part of the family I can't have over. The rest of the family are either away from here (lucky them!) or not speaking to each other. My friends are all far from here too... so I won't have any friends over either. *sigh*
But you know what? I'm not sad... I'm wiggin' out because I'm already 34 years old. Years ago I'd never thought I'd be laying in bed blogging about family feuds on my birthday. LOL. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. I'm content. I'm alive and I'm living. Can't ask for much more than that. So... happy birthday to me! I hope next year I'll be online writting another bitchy post. :)

emptiness

2011-08-05T23:48:00.002+01:00

Like you I feel lost, empty, betrayed by life, alone... I try to cope with the hand destiny dealt me but I am feeling more and more outraged. This is not my life! This is not who I am supposed to be! This is not my dream... In my dream I am old and I just woke up. I go to the kitchen and brew some coffee. I walk barefoot outside with my cup of warm coffee and I stand on the porch for a few minutes. I look back at the blue door of my house and smile. I walk out in to the wet grass... it's summer but it just stopped raining and I can feel the moisture between my toes. It feels like bliss. I close my eyes and hear the birds singing as the sun tries to shine through some small clouds still hanging up in the sky. I feel his arms around me. I feel his warmth and his breath on my neck and I am safe. All I wanted was a simple country life. I never wanted to fuck up so many times... but I did. I have to deal with that now. I miss my dream. I wish I could somehow make it come true. But I know now that it's just a dream. I have to come back down to earth and live life as it comes. There is no magic nor poetry nor song that I can expect. Just this.

See ME...

2011-08-04T20:57:00.005+01:00

My mind is blank... Usually I'm filled with opinions and thoughts but today... nothing!
I'm going back "home" tomorrow. It'll be an interesting train ride up north. It'll be like taking a train to hell. I'm not paying Charon though. The world is going through tough times. Money is tight. So... I'm not paying him. Maybe he'll leave me behind and I'll forever roam the Earth in a limbo-like state. I already feel like a ghost roaming the halls at work, the streets of the town I live in, the rooms of my house... I am a ghost left behind and I don't know I'm dead.
I'm "feeding" my ipod all kinds of yummy music for my trip back to "hell". I've been listening to Kristin Hersh, Die Haut, Nick Cave, The Breeders, The Smiths, Band of Horses, Metric, Amanda Palmer... among others. Do you aprove? If you haven't heard of them, check them out on youtube. You'll absolutely LOVE any of these artists. :)
My birthday is 10 days away... I guess the blank mind is due to the birthday blues. I usually get the birthday blues a week or so before. I think about everything I planned for my life and then realize I'm no where near to what I maped out. I've strayed from the plan. Along the way I just figured that if I never made plans anymore I wouldn't get as disappointed as if I had made plans and they never worked out. But I must say... I never thought I'd be where I am today. I'd never thought I'd be the person I am. In ever wanted to be this person that I am... maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. But for now... I'm not happy. I'm no where near happiness. I am okay. I know I'll always be okay. But I long for happiness. I miss laughing out loud. I miss looking at pictures of myself smiling. There haven't been many of those the past 10 years. I want to be so happy that it'll feel like my heart is exploding out of my chest. I want to ooze happiness out of every pore of my skin. I want to stop being the invisible weird girl. I want you to see ME and not the person someone told you I am. I am ME! I am not pretensious or pretend to know everything about anything... I don't wear a mask to hide who I really am. I don't fit in the box society built to standardize the masses. The masses are asses! I don't hide behind all those layers of bullshit. I am plain. I am naked. I am raw. I am ME! See ME!

sad dark eyes

2011-08-04T20:50:00.002+01:00

"sorry we're closed"

2011-08-02T17:49:00.003+01:00

I wish I could crawl out of my shell and hug the world. But the world wants nothing to do with me. I dream of you sometimes... faceless and perfect. Lying in your nameless arms I feel safe. Your other wordly breath on my skin is warm and soothing. Your soft touch seems to bring me back to life. I wake up and the heart that was broken many times before feels hope. I know we're under the same skies looking up at the same star talking up to the same moon. You'll put my shattered heart back together and hold my hand. Do you think of me like I dream of you?

Every step that we take is a step closer... But for now I'll hang up a "sorry we're closed" sign on my heart and just live. The missing piece will soon come along to complete me.

My heart stands still...

2011-08-02T17:28:00.002+01:00

The past thirteen years of my life I lived in a small city by the sea. I was happy here. All my friends were here. No one messed with me or freaked me out. I had to move away for work and it's been a hellish two years. It's like I aged 10 years in a small amount of time. The magic inside of me slowly faded. The music I swayed to slowly muted. My dreams lost their color. Food lost it's taste. My heart stood still. I forgot bits and pieces about myself. I forgot how to smile. My skin is emotioneless. My eyes are sad and dry. They haven't anymore tears to shead. My body is tired and older. My mind isn't challenged. My breath is cold. My lips are chapped. I bottle up all my feelings and sit by the window staring outside wondering if it'll always be this way. Promises broken. Lovers swallowed by the quicksand that surrounds me. Words left unsaid. Unable to help the helpless. Unable to smite the wicked. My ears are soiled by evil that lives next door. I just want to sleep. I wish I could wake up and realize that the past two years were only one long nightmare. I want to smile again like I mean it. I want to laugh. I want to mend my broken heart and have it beating again. I want to love. I want to sing. I want blue skies and happy faces on my way back home.

For those who need a little "push"

2011-07-23T23:30:00.006+01:00

"Porcelain" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Baby I'm afraid of a lot of things
But I ain't scared of loving you
Baby I know you're afraid of a lot of things
But don't be scared of love
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And thats you...
Well, I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
And baby I can see you've been fucked with too
But that don't mean your loving days are through
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And thats you
Well I may be just a fool
But I know were just as cool
And cool kids...
they belong together.

Saturday Night Confused Thoughts

2011-07-23T23:13:00.002+01:00

The night has fallen and the moon is high. I look outside my window and I see all the specks of light. I also see the fires that people start during summer. I hate that people feel the need to destroy Mother Nature. The flickering lights seem to fight against the fires but there's nothing they can do. The fires will soon swallow them up and families will lose their homes and property. I listen to the sounds outside... I hear a dog barking, crickets, a door downstairs banging. My fan keeps me grounded because I am so tired and weary I can barely take notice of what I am writing. I think, my friends, these are words of desperation. I fell uninspired, sad, powerless, frustrated. I want to leave this fowl place and never look back! The people here are absolute monsters! I try and I try... over and over... but I just can't deal with all this drama anymore. I wish I could just... I don't know... just open my eyes and awake somewhere else, as someone else and realize that this life is just a bad dream. But my bad bream is endless and overpowering. I shall only awaken when I die... I am not suicidal. I just gave in to what other people wanted for me. I just got too tired of chasing fucking rainbows and dreams I never had a chance to realize. I never had a chance in hell. So now I am this person I never wanted to be dreaming of the person I always wanted to be realizing that the person I was never thought that I'd be the person I never wanted to be... I just got lost along the way and took someone else's directions. And now I'm screwed (I so want to write "fucked" because that's how I feel... I've been fucked by the universe!). At least I can laugh about it and smile when I remember the (few) good days I had. I was happy once maybe I'll find happiness again. You'll never know...

...less

2011-07-22T23:37:00.005+01:00

Nameless
faceless people
in a sea
of conformity

Tasteless
softless
mannequins
no one wins

Brainless
heartless
robots computing
brooding...

Shapeless
mindless
humans that run
what have they done?

Fearless
wishless
suicidal me
when will I be free?

The In Between

2011-07-12T22:03:00.003+01:00

I've been having conversations with someone about "the one". Should we settle for second best? Or should we hold out for "the one"? Should we live in the in between or should we hope for the perfect love? I don't think I could ever settle for second best... actually I tried second best and I just felt bitter and empty. You can try to jam a piece of a puzzle which is missing the right piece but you'll never get that perfect fit and if you're like me you know you can't just let that puzzle be unfinished. I like to believe that there is a perfect someone out there for all of us... but if we keep settling for second best, if we keep moving into the in between, we'll never get our perfect someone because he's with his second best dreaming of you.

things we say... things we write.

2011-07-11T22:06:00.002+01:00

Sometimes the things we write are the things we can't say. But what if we can't write what we want to put out there? What if the universe isn't ready for what we have to say or write? What I write is not a mirror of who I seem to be. The person that I am would never write what you sometimes read here. I am not a person who speaks up... I utter the things I think people want to hear from me. So I guess I don't say anything at all. I write what I feel. And it helps me deal with the messed up world around me. And if what I write touches someone out there through the vastness of cyberspace then I'll feel accomplished. What I say and what I write are two separate worlds even though what I write is what I feel and think... society keeps me from saying what I need to say. I've always been the odd duckling. I'll always be the odd duckling... but I'll be the odd duckling with writen words left behind... words that couldn't be said before. Words that need to be read and remembered. One day far from now I'll read all the stuff I wrote here on my blog and remember everything... a rush of feelings and of blood will flow through me and my memories will be mine and of the universe.

Dreams and Regrets

2011-07-11T18:13:00.003+01:00

Some nights I dream of him... the one that got away. The one I let slip through my fingers because I listened to backstabbing "friends". I was young, full of myself, scared, confused... an emotional wreck. I purposely hurt him and pushed him away because of all my insecurities, fear and stupidity. I trusted people that weren't deserving of my friendship and let them tell me what to do and how to be. I lost the one person who ever really loved me. I lost the one. Some nights I dream of him... I dream how he forgives me and everything is alright. I dream of his kiss, his smell, his touch... and then I wake up and remember that he will never forgive me. I tried many times to make a mends. I never got a word... nothing. He despises me. And I don't blame him. I would despise myself... as I did for many years. I dream of him. I regret hurting him. I hope someday he'll forgive me. I've been punished enough and I think that maybe I got more hurt and sorrow than anyone deserves in life. I wish for forgiveness. I think maybe that's why I sometimes dream of him. He's the only one that never forgave me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him. I loved him... but I'm not in love with him. I long for his forgiveness. You see... I was a very different person back then. I was a very bad person. I was dooped by the friends I had back then. And then I just moved away from all their crap and decided to kick myself in the ass everyday because I thought I needed punishment. And so I just led this messed up life... meaningless... alone. And one day I guess I just opened my eyes. Maybe I opened them too late but at least their open now and I can see the past, live the future and dream of the future...

Tired of being lonely...

2011-07-08T22:04:00.006+01:00

I don't post a lot of songs on my blog but I thought tonight I should try to fill my heart with... I just want to feel something. I've been empty for so long and I'm trying to... I really don't know what I'm trying to do or feel... I just now that I'm a shadow of the person I was or should be. I have no one to lean in close to but I am definitely tired of being lonely...

Angel of Death

2011-07-08T21:49:00.007+01:00

The angel of death came to me in a dream last night. She told me to live now before she comes back for me. I don't know how long I still have left... nobody does. Our expiration date is unknown. And I guess it's better that way. A couple of years ago I went through hell with depression and I thought I was past that but lately I haven't been felling so hot. It's like I don't know who I am. I've never known who I was but the past couple of years I've been at peace... My heart was calm. But now... these past few days... It's like I come full circle. I am starting to doubt myself again. I still don't know who I am and that thought is slowly trying to break out of the back of my mind. I hear the clock ticking inside of me... I think of my life before and what it's like now. All the people I had... they all left. I guess the people in your life always leave. Friends... Family... and your left with a whole in your chest that you can't fill no matter how hard you try. But you have to try or there's no point to anything. I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I want to be myself. I want to be the person I always thought I'd be. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be me. I wish I knew how to be me. So I guess I'll take the Angel of Death's advice and live.... because you never know when your number is up and you expire...

HERE

2011-07-06T11:34:00.003+01:00

aching breaking

crying sweating

screaming learning

sleeping waking

dreaming changing

drinking bickering

nagging going

coming seeing

acting feeling

lying dying

rhymes without reason

rain without season

drowning in thought

and feeling caught

in old loneliness

crumpled on my chest

time passing by

babies cry

people die

we all lie

they can't see

they're not me

I'm not living

nor grieving

I'm just...

...here.

Will you be my rain?

2011-07-05T11:05:00.004+01:00

I am a teacher. And right now school is out for the summer (where have I heard this before? eh eh eh) but us teachers still have to come in to work and prepare exames for students that failed, take care of a whole ton of burocracy, try to enroll new students, and other stuff you might find boring. I'm taking a small break from burocracy to write this post. I'm in the teacher's lounge with my headphones on listening to a nice piece of music from the True Blood soundtrack (does the title of this post ring a bell? check it out on youtube... you'll be hooked). And this nice little song as got me thinking about my life and I just realized that the room was in slow motion and I was just gone for a few minutes. I was listening to the song and thinking of who would ever want to be my rain? Is there anyone I'd want to be my rain? Right now I could use a little rain... the weather is so hot and sticky I just want to dive in the river that flows near my house and live underwater like a mermaid. I know... rivers don't have mermaids. I'd be the first and only one. But living under the cool fresh running water would be so perfect now. I could drown out everyone else's comments... I could escape everything that brings me down. But when I'm done thinking of freedom and release I go right back to thoughts of love... and lack of it. I am 33 years old... about to turn 34. I guess maybe I had my share of romantic happiness. The song brings peace and helps me realize this. But it also makes me come to the conclusion that I'm not sure of anything. The only things I know for sure is that the moon shines down on me through the night and the sun rises the next day and the water keeps flowing and the rain comes and washes away the hot sticky weather and life goes on... with or without me.

How mental am I?

2011-06-29T08:18:00.004+01:00

Sometimes when it rains it's like I can see my life passing by inside the raindrops... each of them carrying one vivid memory of my past and plays in slow motion so I can see over and over the mistakes I've made. I try destroying these raindrops between my fingers but millions more holding even deeper memories drop on my head, my face and the earth surrounding me. The earth is wet with memories... mine and other people's. Everyday I step on the ground thinking I'm stepping through my memories and the memories of others that echo through the ground trying to make themselves heard or seen. They cry fro forgiveness, sing songs of lost loves, howl words of vengeance... I close my eyes and try to drown them out with my thoughts. But sometimes the thoughts I think aren't my own. It's like I have the thoughts of a small village echoing inside my head in different languages but all understandable. Maybe I just have more than one inner voice to guide me but that's plain mad because most of the times they clash and I can't make up my mind. And so I am roaming this earth trying to destroy raindrops, running from voices that don't exist and avoiding reality and normalcy. But what is normal anyway? Where is it written that normal is being, thinking, acting like everyone else? If so I don't want to be normal and am glad I am the way that I am. I don't want much from life... I just want to be left alone in my room watching my horror movies and listening to Led Zeppelin wearing just my pajamas and flip-flops dancing around... going to work everyday and having a blast with my students. I wish I wouldn't feel inadequate around the people here in this town. It's like I'm living some sort of invasion of the bodysnatchers. But the deal here is that they've all been taken over by aliens. They're all so mechanical and conniving... their smiles remind me of Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons. And well people... that's how freaky my mind works... I start out with poetry, raindrops, the whole shebang and end with cartoon aliens. How mental am I? :)

I hope everyone has a great day, I'm off to work!

My Cage

2011-06-28T18:58:00.002+01:00

The world impregnates me with thoughts of freedom and happiness... sometimes I have them at reach, so much that I can almost grasp them. But then she whispers in my ear and it all turns to dust and falls apart as I close my hands to hold on to any glimmer of hope or serenity... People plant the seeds of in my mind... seeds that start to grow and she kills with her winter cold words. In the place of her heart is a block of ice magically produced to never melt. The seeds die... but I create worlds where I roam wild and free just like the universe meant for me to be. I am an artist, a writer, a singer, a mother, a happy little piglet. I close my eyes and I'm there. I travel without moving. I visit places I long to see through books and websurfing and at night I dream them around me. Before I go to bed I sit at my window gazing up at the sky wondering if my life will always be this great big trap I built for me... this guilded cage she keeps me in to torture me at her will. I hide in the attic with my music and my writting but sometimes I just want to jump out the window. Other times I just want to disappear. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I just left. I can't quite reach the key to my guilded cage just yet. There is much more to endure, someone else to protect from her evil tortures. So I endure and one day it'll all come falling down on her like a ton of bricks and I won't be sorry at all. One day I'll earn my freedom and leave this prison I created for myself. It is all my own doing. So I accept it and live with the hope that one day I'll be free.

Allergic Bronchitis - part II

2011-06-21T22:17:00.003+01:00

Well the doc told me to stay at home for the next three days and this time not go back to work so quickly. He also told me to stay out of the sun and to bundle up. But the truth is I am freaking hot! All I want to do is take cold showers and just sit in front of a fan or stick my head in the freezer! And I also have a splitting headache... the most splitting of them all! I also want to sleep but can't... it just won't come. But I'm already used to that. Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering when the shit will hit the fan. It's like I'm in some big-ass hellish waiting room just waiting to get stomped on. Squished like a little small hopeless and helpless ant. That's how I am feeling right now. In a blink of an eye my life can just come crumbling down like it always does. But the truth is... I don't know how much worse it can get. So... give it your best shot! I'm still fucking standing! I'm still here taking crap from everyone! BRING IT ON! I won't back down.

Allergic Bronchitis

2011-06-20T12:33:00.002+01:00

I've been very ill lately with allergic bronchitis. My energy level is at it's lowest. I should be at home mending my sickly body but I am at work. Should I ask the doctor for some more down time? I had 3 days of confinement that nearly drove me crazy but now I am not feeling any better... actually I started to write this post yesterday and today I am feeling worst so I have an appointment with my doc again. I feel absolutely drained... mentally and physically. I just want to lay down and sleep for a whole year. This past year I've aged about 10 years! I am tottally destroyed. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I feel powerless and sick all the time. My brain feels like it might explode any minute. My chest hurts so much that it feels like an elephant is sitting on it. My back... well... my back aches whatever position I'm in. My legs tingle and hurt. My feet are as swollen as a proud father's head. My eyes aren't sparkly anymore... they are just surrounded by the darkes circles you can imagine. My hands aren't fast and steady anymore and I just lost all joy or will to do anything or whatever. I just want to sleep...

Turning a new leaf...

2011-06-19T21:34:00.004+01:00

I have a hole inside of me... Throughout the years I tried filling it with all the wrong people and now I am just a broken shell of the person I used to be. I can't mend what I broke over the years... friendships, relationships... they're all just grains of sand that got blown away by the storm that was my personality. I pushed people away... I never knew who I wanted to be... I know I never wanted the be the person you all see. And now I am nobody. Just a ghost of the person I used to be wandering the world hoping for better days to come. I wake up each day, go to work and come home. I have no friends. I have no loves nor love interests. I am empty but longing to be filled again. Will that day ever come? I have no idea... but as long as I keep hoping my daily routines are somewhat bareble. I think maybe I need a plan... I need to take care of myself and think more about myself. I need to get out there and work hard on myself and on the person I want to be. I have to put aside my books and movies and breathe in the fresh (right now hot) mountain air and take a stand. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and live. Life is for the living... I spent so much of my life dancing with death, I was totally in love with it... thought it was so romantic. How stupid I was. I think all that is crap. Death is not romantic. Death is just Death. It's the end of your time to do whatever it is you came here to do. I don't want to leave without doing every little thing I'm supposed to do. I want to live! And I want to live well and find some measure of happiness along the way. I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on this new found - I have no word for it - resolution? yeah... I am putting this plan in to action and I shall prevail! I shall set small goals and achieve them. I shall mend my heart and my body. I shall bring back to life the fun outgoing ballsy person I used to be. That is now my plan. It'll be my mission!

The moon and I

2011-06-15T20:25:00.002+01:00

The moon has betrayed me
It shows me what will never come
Maybe I just see what I want to see
The beating of a loud drum
Calling to me through the night
Whispering sweetness in my ear
But still keeping me from his light
I don’t know how far nor how near
He is taken from my sight
But yet I feel him, his breath
On my breast surrounded by light
That rejects the kiss of Death
I am his and his alone
Wherever he may or may not be
I am his empty golden throne
Waiting to be claimed or set free.
A single tear cuts through my face
The most painful tear of all
That keeps me stuck in this place
On my knees I do fall
And plead for Love to strike
To bring forth a strong soul
Both of us alike
To melt together in this world
Like the moon once promised
A love to echo through the ages
To stir passion in the soul most calmest
Immortalized on my simple pages…
The bell tolls for me
I can hear it in the wind
It’s wild and free
As I have always been.
In the end there is nothing
But the moon hanging high
And there is everything
Caught up in my sigh…

Heaven in your eyes

2011-06-15T19:46:00.003+01:00

I dream of dreams
that are yet to come
where nothing is as it seems
and we all come undone
by thick waves of glitter
that suck me in deep
and spit me out bitter
I pray to fall deeper into sleep
into other layers of madness
roaming happier riding rainbows
leaving behind all this sadness
that I drown nightly on my pillows
secrets hidden well within
but brought forth by my eyes
through a hole of a pin
cutting through all the lies
people like to spread
they relish your pain
they love your blood flowing red
blood that they try to drain
leaving you merciless on the floor
looking up bare and humble
staring at the closing door
as your whole world crumbles...
I leave all that behind
and open my eyes to a new scene
I feel the warm sun on my skin
my memories wiped clean
and there's no wrong nor sin
only safety in your arms
only peace, only smiles
only the warmth of your charms
only heaven in your eyes...

Untitled part II

2011-06-14T21:00:00.003+01:00

as darkness falls
so do I...
as death calls
I wonder why
time slips
as rain
makes you trip...
I look back
and see nothing
I look back
and want everything
that I never had
I want you...
I wanted you so bad
and never had you.
I did once
but the world
made you lost
and my soul
that you shatered
when you left
like I never mattered
a victim of a theft!
You stole my heart
and never gave it back
you tore me apart
like I was a snack
As Death comes
I close my eyes
and my life's sums
and all of my ties
are broken pieces
of a heart never mended
after a thousand new kisses
my love for you never ended...

Alone

2011-06-05T20:50:00.005+01:00

I wish you could taste my thoughts
See what I feel
Hear what I dream
Touch what I see
Feel what I hear
Eat up what I say...
If you look long enough
you can hear the screams
that echo in my mind
you can smell the blood
that pours out of me
through words...
You could taste the tears
I shead at night
quietly in my bed.
You could hear the ocean
if you put your ear to my chest...
Silent pain reflects in my mirror
everyday of my life
My eyes are the windows
to emptiness and sadness...
I could stretch out my arms
and hold a million people
and still feel alone...
There is no love.
there is no one...

we are not gods!

2011-05-23T09:39:00.006+01:00

I long for silence... the voices in my head are growing stronger and angry. It used to be easy to control such thoughts but now I am weary and cannot contain them much longer. I want to cry out agains unreasonable people that always try to put me down. I want to yell at my father so he can wake up and open his eyes. I want to scream at myself for not taking care of my body and soul. I want to shout at the world for it's constant pouring of evil into all of us. All we do is buy, buy, buy! We buy all sorts of things we don't need. We give in too easily... we give in too fast. When will we stop to look at the beauty that surrounds us? When will we put away our wallets and stop trying to buy the world? When will we realize that we are not gods?

I am sure that I am not a God and I know I won't live forever. I want to live! I want to experience all that the world has to offer. I want to be mother, teacher, daughter, lover... but love keeps slipping through my fingers like sand in a desert... I keep running towards it furiously but I just keep finding illusions... oasis... not true love. It's the one thing I don't have and it's the one thing I ache for the most. I ache for it... At night when I close my eyes to sleep and darkness seeps in I dream of a love that even time would lie still for. A god would have been able to make such miracles happen... so therefore, I am not a god. I am not even close... death will take me one day... sooner or later we all dance with Death. We cry, we try to reason with it but in the end Death takes us all... we fear it because we don't understand it. We fear it because we think it's the end of our world and our god-like status (for those who think of themselves as gods). Many fear it because they think (know) they will be sent to the deepest pits of hell. I don't fear hell because the life I am living now is the worst hell I could ever dream up for myself. I think that death is only the beginning... of what I don't know. But I like to think that all my ancestors are waiting for me and will greet me with such love that I've never known before. A tear comes to my eye just imagining such love being showered upon me. Don't get me wrong... I am not in a hurry to die. I have yet much to accomplish and much to suffer. I have much to live for and can't wait for the next chapter. Every year is a chapter... the days are pages. And my life is a book. And this blog contains some fragments that will live on here in cyberspace.

Lost In Thought

2011-05-23T09:37:00.000+01:00

Lost in thought
the ghost in you
gets caught
in a night of blue

searching for happiness
as I have sought...
escaping madness
and avoiding doubt

No sorrow nor pain,
No love nor winning,
No loss nor gain,
life is just living...

The world is deserted
as our two bodies melt
I think how I yearn for it
and this lust I never felt

takes over my being
and burns me inside
I surrender to you smiling
like an innocent child...

And falling asleep
safe from all harm
never felt so sweet
here in your arms...

Until the End of Time

2011-05-23T09:32:00.002+01:00

As day turns to night
my heart weighs heavy
you're out of sight.
my tears are steady
and I fear I might
not be ready
for this fight.
you are my love
my burning light.
the one I think of
when I go to bed at night
until dawn's first light.
you appease the tormented sea
that raged inside of me
the clouds disappear
whenever you're near
my heart starts to race
when you touch my face
when I look in your eyes
I fall into a pool of sighs
and in your protecting arms
I succumb to all of your charms
I close my eyes and realize
you silenced my cries
I leave you with a soft kiss
you're the one I'll always miss
24 hours are too long for me
I know you agree...
I wish time would sit still
and bend to my will
So that I could always be with you,
and remember what I already knew...
I am yours and you are mine
until the end of time...

Life passing by

2011-05-20T13:50:00.003+01:00

I am 33 years old and lost many of my beliefs, hopes and dreams. If you put your ear to my chest you might possibly hear the ocean! I am an empty shell of the person I used to be. I guess maybe my fairytale was never meant to be. I was never the princess nor the girl for whom the prince falls. I am just an extra in a movie... the one in the crowd that no one notices. The girl without a voice.

I always longed for a simple life with someone to hold my hand through life. Waking up in the country and walking barefoot on the wet grass having a cup of coffee... closing my eyes and feeling his touch while we watch the sun rise behind the mountains. I dream of sitting on my porch watching time passing by... smilling and waving always with a warm cheek touched by his kiss.

But I guess the hole inside me will never be filled even though I long for happiness... but the things we want the most are always the things we never get to have. Life is cruel that way. But even though I'm drowning in blue I still have a glimmer of hope that just maybe... but then I close my eyes and all I see is nothingness... oblivion. I am still the unknown, unwanted, voiceless girl in a sea of people trying desperately to be seen...

Time passes by, people move, they fall in and out of love, life goes on, trees grow... everything speeding, moving faster and faster... I am standing still watching all these things happen. I long to be part of them... I long to live at the same speed, in the same frequency. But I am not able. I stand still and just watch as life passes me by.