She

She lives...
crawling under my skin
she lives and forgives
and she slowly gives in

She cries...
neverending salty tears
she cries and she sighs
lies that last for years

She smiles...
it cuts through her face
she smiles and defiles
what you want to erase.

She sleeps...
in dreams she is free
she sleeps and she weeps
because she is me.

Waiting For Love

I gave you all of my words
I put them down on paper
but they flew away like birds
dissipated like steam and vapor

their meaning just got lost
my words aren't mine to give
and that is the great cost
of this love that I misgive

they say that true love waits
that it comes when least expected
mine is still hidden by the fates
as long as I am still disconnected

Love will never wait for me
it shall always keep passing by
like leaves falling from a tree
like a tear drops when I cry

And if love finally finds me
everything will feel right
and I will finally see
love's light cut the night.

Standing Still

I am standing still
in a sea of strange faces
they move so fast
they make me ill

I stumble and fall
on my bloody knees
and flooded eyes
I realize I lost it all

I wish you'd wait for me
but you dove and got lost
in the sea of strange faces
but at least now you're free

I go to sleep thinking of you
I can't be all that I can be
because you've taken all of me
and now I wake up feeling blue

everywhere I see your face
in every distorted crowd
you're standing perfectly still
and I run, I hungrily race

But your face fades away
and I'm left standing still
in a crowd moving fast and steady
while I slowly decay...

The shadow I cast is fading
I sit down and rewind time
inside my broken mind
trying to stop my heart from breaking.

but a past without you
is an empty memory
just passing through
so I still wake up feeling blue.

'till the end of time

I gave up on love too many times
I wanted what I thought was lost
when I crossed all the wrong lines
The thickest line has the highest cost
The deepest love is the greater loss
And what I thought I wanted is but a dream
a distant memory born of imagination
A time I lost and I can't redeem
I am slowly fading, lost in frustration
surrounded by your echoing words
remembering your lips, your touch
as I listen to my old records
my memories of you I tightly clutch
I told myself so many times to let go
time passed by and I thought I was fine
But you knew... and will forever know
that I'll be yours 'till the end of time.

Open Your Eyes

I am living out of place
where everyone ignores me
I can't stand to see my face
in my mirror because all I see
is a washed up shadow of a person
and I try to move but I am stuck
I try to play another version
but I'm all out of luck
forever trapped within myself
and if I close my tired eyes
I just wish I was someone else
that could believe all the lies
everyone tells and I lack...
will I ever find my way home?
will you ever find your way back?
These old streets I still roam
staring up at the blue skies
raising my voice cutting silence
waiting for you to open your eyes
and put an end to the distance...
So please open your eyes!
see me here waiting for you
before I kill the lights
and there's nothing else to do.
it's hard to give as it's hard to get
everything I do makes me feel this way
my words won't ever let you forget
Some time ago I heard somebody say
that it doesn't matter what I do
you always forget about my love
and I keep trying to remind you
that you're the one I think of.

Off Track

I can see the echoes of the words you said
my thoughts are a thousand voices in my head
whispering secrets screaming out in pain
telling me never to fall in love again...

sadness or misery should be my given name
but I have no one else but myself to blame
for the surrounding sorrow and loneliness
no one around me can't fill the emptiness

My broken heart is now filled with nothing
the wrinkles on my face show I'm ageing
time keeps passing by and I can't move
I couldn't show anything I had to prove

I close my eyes trying to let myself go
but bitterness and loneliness pull me back
I thought I had time that it moved slow
but years went by and I'm still off track.

In Dreams

I love you more than you love me
you are my world can't you see?
you have my soul 'till time stands still
and if it doesn't than you and I will
while the world keeps on turning
and everyone else goes on living
I'll be the still rock you stand on
untill everyone else here is gone
and you and I are the last that remain
in this world I dream every night...
In dreams is where I trully live
it's not wrong but also isn't right
that a person with so much to give
is still tethered to the past
wishing to be free at last
so I can trully start living
instead of watching it pass by
and I need to start forgiving
myself, you and the world
so I can again feel whole.
But for now in dreams is where I am
warm, happy, smilling, safe, alive...
where there's no one to blame or damn
on the outside I know I won't survive
I know I should be able to make do
but I am sure that I shall fall
because going through life without you
is no life I want, no life at all...

I Wish

I wish I could empty my mind
like you emptied my heart
I wish that I could find
a way for my life to start
I wish you could only see
the world through my eyes
I wish you only knew
that you live in my sighs
I wish you were here
holding me close and tight
I wish I could shead my fear
and walk with you in the light
I wish you could kiss me once more
so I could smile for a while again
I wish everything was like before
with you as a lover and a friend
I wish we could just forget
rewind time and go back
to when everything was perfect
but my heart begins to crack
because you're lost forever
and now I wish you all the best
I know now we'll never be together
so I can finally lay down and rest...

Forever

I am dreaming
but I'm awake
your skin gleaming
makes my heart break
your secret smile
and soft kiss
are both worthwhile
are both my bliss
Heaven is in your arms
my dark-winged angel
I fall deep in your charms
and you win the battle
like you always do...
because my simple heart
only beats for you
even though we're apart
you'll forever live in me
in thoughts and sweet dreams
in worn out distant memory
bursting at the seams.
Forever is a long time
I heard someone say
beyond infinity and rhyme
Is where I shall lay
because there is no never
there is only forever...

Feeling Blue

shadows dance on the walls
silhouettes, paper dolls
like memories left untold
and thoughts that can't unfold
as i lay in bed alone and warm
watching the shadows transform
I think of days that are gone
taken from me in shape of song
memories of lips still linger
whispers that make me a singer
singing improvised songs of woe
that bend my broken mind slow
with dreams of only you...
I always wake up feeling blue
Nothing is mine to call my own
not my life, not that sad song
But I'm just passing through
what you are and what you do
is what I thought and wanted
but I'll always be taunted
by memories and dreams of you
that make me wake feeling blue...

Always You

It's you...
I't always been you!
Beautiful and strong
like a winter's song
mysterious and silent
still and vibrant
green piercing eyes
the cause of my sighs
sweet soft warm lips
that with mine I eclipse
with an imaginary kiss
my lungs start to hiss
It gets hard to breathe
as my blood starts to seethe
burning my veins, my heart
and I slowly fall apart
dreaming of just one kiss
that I'll forever miss...

On My Own

I turned around
and you were gone
and I finally knew
that our song
had come to an end
taken by the sea
half the faces
forgotten by me
have all changed
I remain the same
always estranged
a burnt out flame
always turning around
always looking back
to hear the sound
of the words you lack
I drive to the sea
listening to the radio
our song playing reminds me
of how we were long ago
I sit on the wet sand
watching waves crash in
wanting to hold your hand
and feel your soft skin
But I turn around
and I'm alone
yet to be found
always on my own.

reason to live

sipping tea and popping pills
wondering how to pay the bills
paper tissues on the floor
soaked up in tears I cried before
a stuffy nose to go with this headache
isn't enough to muffle my heartache
I try to keep lying to myself
pretending to be somene else.
But reality comes back everytime
like heads or tales on a dime
I flip the coin everyday
to see if I can still play
but it's a game I can't win
heads or tales both lead to sin
The world runs away in fear
they all just disappear
and I just stand still
with a broken heart to fill.
Turn back and save me!
mend my heart and set me free
give me confort, give me love
pretend I'm the one you think of
give me worn out sighs
give me more sweet lies
come back and save me
and let me be who I want to be
give me sympathy
give me a reason to be angry
I want to feel
anything that's real
I don't want to be a prop
I want my heart to stop
I want to close my eyes
I want more sweet lies
give me a reason to forgive
give me a reason to live...

sickly ramblings

I've been feeling awful these past days and decided to go to the doctor's today because I was pretty sure I'd collpase during work. I'm crazy that way... I just push myself to the limit. So he sent me home and told me to stay in bed... I'm confined to my room untill monday. I have no idea what to do with myself... I mean... I can't just shut off my brain and lay in bed sniflling and coughing up a storm. I tried that during the afternoon... I lay in bed... it was quiet (sort of). I could hear the birds and cars passing by. I started to feel kind of depressed because I started thinking of how crappy my life really is and how I could fix it. I then thought I had to stop thinking and looked up at the ceiling (you know all of the blonde jokes that involve them looking at the ceiling and such... eh eh) but the sun hit a pretty groovy crystal swan I have on my dresser and all the images it made on the ceiling actually made me smile... and before I knew it I fell asleep.

Ramblings of a mid-thirty year old mind

I really feel like crap today. In fact I feel like I might loose it at any moment. I am depressed, mad at the world... I'm broken and minutes away from a sea of tears. I cried myself to sleep last night. The night before I woke up screaming and could hardly fall back asleep. My life is slowly killing me. I am numb... detached... yet I feel everything. It's unbearable! I'm in my mid-30's but my eyes reveal an ageless soul. Words eco in my head and the ambulance lights flicker behind my eyes keeping me awake every night waiting for the words that will send a surge of pain through all the cells of my body. The ambulance lights that flicker the brightest blue in the deadliest of silences haunt me every night since... My chest weighs heavy with grief for a person that once could articulate my name in such a manner I always took for granted... now I long to hear my name flow like that from those sickly incoerent lips. My aunt... she was always a lively, righteous and tough lady. She made me laugh and she also made me cry. She laughed and cried with me. She brought me to my senses when I needed someone to talk sense in to me. Now she can't even say my name and I don't think she recognizes me most of the times. I can hardly take it seeing her this way and mostly I have to bite my lip before I go in to her house for a visit. A bite on the lip to give me courage and to hold in the pain. A bite on the lip to keep me focused on a "happy" visit... It's been a couple of years since she had her first stroke. I watched as an evil bitch of a person (forgive me... I can't call her a "woman" nor do I want to use the RIGHT words for what she is because they might offend the most and least religious of the readers) wormed her way in to her house hoping to take over everything. This person will surely go to hell for what she's been putting a sick old lady through... I have no power to help her. I am only the niece... I can only keep a watchful eye and many times I had to run down the stairs of my house because I hear her screaming her head off! It's driving me insane! If it happens once more I swear I'm going to lose it and kick the living shit out of her designated "care-giver". Such an evil person is hard to imagine but I tell you this person is the most foul of human-beings! She is a liar, a thief, a scheaming bitch, she talks bad about everyone, she has the foulest mouth in all the history of the world!, she treats her children (and husband... and anyone else) like shit, she treats her own mother like crap!, she waists all her money on voodoo priests and such shit to hurt people (doesn't matter who... if she is jealous of some sort of accomplishment you've gotten you can rest assured that she's going to her voodoo priest to bring you down), and it's a neverending list of evil deeds and traits that I don't really want to get in to. Enough about that cow. If there is a higher being, a God, looking over us and if there is such thing as "karma" or whatever word you want to give it, she will surely get hers. As will I. And everyone else. So think before you act, people. Because sooner or later it'll come back to bite you in the ass! Although I can't imagine what evil deed my aunt ever did to deserve such an awful fate. I think I'd rather be dead than living with that person. I would actually do everything in my power to comit suicide and I'd leave a note, or some sort of record, to let everyone know that it wasn't in fact suicide but murder! Because she had driven me to it. That's what I'd do... I'd go to hell, of course, but I'd whistle my whole way down there with the biggest smile on my face! Of course I wouldn't actually do any of those things... but I do like to let my imagination run wild. Sometimes it even runs with scissors! Just the fact that I'm writting all these random thoughts is already helping me... I don't have any chest pains right now. I guess I just needed an outlet for all this bottled up anger I have inside. And you should know that it's plenty! Things at work suck balls, my family-life is far from perfect, I have no social life, my health isn't the best either, haven't won the lotto yet... and I just lost my train of thought. :) It happens when you just ramble.

Disconnected

Like a bitch in heat I spread my legs to the sun
Unaware that the cold winter had finally come
So I sit patiently and filled with desire
as I disconnect myself and get caught on the wires
I whisper an endless plea for you to return
and to set ablaze this heart that doesn't burn
since the warmth of summer left and winter set.
the leaves have fallen and the ground is wet
by sorrowful tears of the discontent
drowning deeper in love's disappointment
I look up at the sky and see nothing
but clouds filled with pain and sorrow
that rain down on me today, tomorrow
and other times fate may slowly bring.
I stay awake rummaging through memories
trying to figure out what was real
trying to sort out what I should feel
wanting to see what he sees...
I've wasted all wishes and dreams
on a life that isn't my own
I can't live high when I'm feeling low
I hear my thoughts through your screams
and try to pick one to act on
but none of them make any sense
so I keep hanging on the fence
dreaming of what's been said and done.
You said we'd look back and smile
but I look back and only see darkness
that's been brought upon by my own action
And now I live in this merciless limbo
quiet numb faceless sad and empty
trying to be what I should be
and becoming someone I borrowed
from the pages of my favorite book
A lonely girl with sad dark eyes
living in a hopeless world of sighs
clutching an old purple notebook
scribbling this imaginary world
where she is herself and she is free
She sees possibilities others can't see
because she's been gifted with a soul...