The Raven

I am... well... I guess I don't have words to describe what I'm feeling. I will tell you how I came to be feeling this indescribable feeling. Last night, it was late and I was in bed watching TV. I was trying to fall asleep but couldn't. Got up and went to get some water because I was thirsty. When I walked back into my room I just stood there staring at my desk and at my computer. I turned back on. I went online and started talking to an old friend. I've been enjoying our conversations after a long period of silence. It was past 1 a.m. when we both logged off. I went back to bed but I started crying. I have no idea why. Or maybe I do... I feel alone. I am lonely and fear I'll never find someone who understands me. That is why I sometimes cry myself to sleep. And that's how I fell asleep last night. And this morning I woke up to the sound of a car honking it's awful loud horn and I wanted to kill whoever was driving it. These murderous thoughts are pretty understandable if you are an insomniac like I am. I was in the bathroom when my mom's cousin let herself in with an errand my dad asked her to run. I talked with her for a bit and then she left. I then brewed some coffee and drank it while I was scouring through the web for some juicy news. Got dressed, had lunch and got in my car to drive to work. Passed by some crazy drivers and I got to a point where I had to stop the car because I saw a huge bird flying over and ahead of me and I remember thinking "holy shit! this isn't normal... I must be hallucinating!" and I stopped the car to make sure I was just imagining things. But I wasn't... the huge bird was in fact a raven. I got back on the road and the raven flew ahead of me for a couple of miles and I felt something I never felt before... I felt like I knew everything would be alright which is weird because I feel awkward, helpless and doomed all of the time. But as I looked up at the raven it was like I was staring in it's eye and knew... I just know and this feeling I can't name came over me like I don't have to try so hard anymore. Like it's okay to be myself and not care what other people think. I oddly don't feel like I need other people's validation anymore. I searched online for crow/raven lore and found out that ravens bring new things into one's life or they bring messages or share secrets. How can this one event at this point change my view on life so much? I guess I'm just ready to walk towards other directions. I guess I'm ready to follow, I'm ready to let go and be true to myself. I'm glad the raven flew over me this afternoon... it flew with me... it also set me free.

One More Last Kiss

I stand here wide-eyed
hoping for a sign
wishing for a dream
praying for a gleam
of hope to set in
like the happy grin
I show when you're near
Isn't it so clear?
the way I look at you
and everything you do
makes me shiver
and when you whisper
my name as we part
I wish we were back at the start
I close my damp eyes
and fall in a world of sighs
I would give anything
I would pray, I would sing
I would fall on my knees
I would beg please, oh please
for one more night of bliss
for just one more last kiss...

Random Toughts

I am tired... I've been tired for a long time. Mentally tired. I'm trying real hard to keep my shit together but at times I feel like I'm falling apart. Other times I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I try not to think too much because I think that's what's wrong with me. I think too much. I have thoughts running around my mind a mile a minute. Like a small chinese country where everyone is talking all at once. Sometimes I can filter some of the voices and I don't like what I "hear". Other times I just shut my brain down. But then I'm bombarded by other senses: I see bright colors dancing all around me. I hear the wind whispering secrets to me. I feel the sun caressing my face. I close my eyes and all these things take over and I cease to exist. It's like I'm slowly turning to ash and the wind is blowing me away and I am high up in the air trying to remember who I was or who I'm suposed to be. I fell like a burning paper doll slowly being scattered through the four corners of the earth. I keep the pain insed me safely tucked away in a small box I created within. I accidently stored all other feelings in there with it and now I feel nothing. You could slap me around and kick me and I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd probably smile and thank you for trying to make me feel. This zombie like state I am that left me completely numb is taking it's toll. When I was younger I'd hurt myself to feel anything. I'd drink until I fell and broke my nose. I'd pink fights with random people. I'd pop painkillers to drown all the screaming voices in my head telling me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to die. I wanted to die... but I got through all the shit and I'm still here. I am strong but I am weak. I fear that the slightest thing might push some hidden forgotten button in me... I fear I might snap and throw everything away. I sometimes wish I would snap... because then something would be happening. I am so tired of hiding in boredom. But boredom is safe. And safe is how I need to be right now. But still... I dream of letting go and being myself. I am feeling a bit repressed... I have to pretend to be normal all the time. I can't be myself around here. But my heart as been eaten away by "what ifs?". So much so that there aren't any "what ifs?" left and where my heart once beat is now a hollowed out chest. I always felt everything with suck an intensity that it burnt me up whole and left nothing but a pile of ash slowly being blown away by the wind and by people whistling my favorite song. I used up all the feeling I had inside of me. I have nothing left and I can't go back. I can't take it back. I can't hold back. I've paid my debt for all the crazy shit I did and for all the crap I put people through but still life decided I should be this hollowed out vessel just standing around while the whole world passes me by... My body grows old and I feel the aches and pains of aging but I feel nothing inside. I want to cry... like I did that night. I want to smile like I did when I saw you the last time we went out. I want to tremble when my elbow touches yours. I want to be able to sleep 6 hours straight. I want to be able to sleep without any crazy dreams haunting me. I want to forget everything. I want to forget who I was, where I was and what I did. I want to experience everything for the first time and not feel the way I do now... always wondering... always hanging on to old faded memories... always asking myself "what if?".

flipside

I guess this is goodbye
I keep wondering why
why I can't let go
or why I can't show
what I feel inside
thoughts walk side by side
I should be four by four
like I said I was before
But that was just a lie
It was me just getting by
Pretending I was alright
But I was crying through the night
And surely you can see
that you're a freak just like me
Always hiding what you feel
Escaping what is real
But my feelings are awry
they are burning me alive
So I bury them inside
I'll catch you on the flipside...

Until We Meet Again

I lay awake late at night
Wondering if it's alright

to call you up and say
how you made me feel this way

And I pick up the phone
I'm home all alone

But I can't dial your number
so I guess it's really over

I just save these words unsaid
I keep them in my head

to tell you when I can
or until we meet again...

My So-Called Life

I woke up to this sound... a hammering sound. At first I thought it was just another throbbing headache... I tried to go back to sleep but that annoying sound kept picking at my brain. I tossed and turned for a while hoping it would stop... but it didn't. So I turned on my TV and blasted the sound up so I could somehow "forget" all about the sound that was driving me insane. American Dad was on... I fell asleep again. I woke up again to the sound of the opening credits of the show Smallvile. Never was a fan of that show and the opening credits song really sucks balls. I mean... it's the most annoying song ever written! I am thinking about how annoying the song is while I stretch out confy and warm in my bed wishing it was saturday. I get up, pee, brush my teeth, wash my face... I do some push-ups and crunches (not enough to break a sweat though) and hit the shower. I'm still in zombie mode... nothing on my mind. In the shower thoughts start to pour in... and while I close my eyes and get under the shower to wet my hair most of my life flashes before my eyes and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness overcomes me and I just feel like I'm going to break down and cry. But I don't... I taught myself so well not to let my true feelings show that it's like I can't express myself anymore. I want to cry and break things... throw some stuff around and make a big fuss but I've programmed myself all too well. I just open my eyes, lather, rinse... get out of the shower, wipe myself off, put on my robe, shake my hair and go to the kitchen to get coffee. I drag myself back to my bedroom with my cup of coffee and turn on my computer. As I sip my coffee I rummage through the sea of folders looking for the database worksheets I'm giving my students to work on today. I also prepare some cool coloring sheets for my first graders and a nice poem for the third graders to read and copy on the computer. As I sip my coffee and work on these tasks I start to think of how diferent my life would have been if I had just taken that internship in England 15 years ago. I mean... what the hell was a thinking? Then I just tell myself that my life as is was always meant to be... but a part of me is still whispering deep within that our life is consequence of the paths we choose. I just have to live with it... I have to lay in the bed I made for myself. I know it's stupid feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't that bad. I have my son, a job, a home, and family. But I always feel like there's something missing. It's like there's a hole inside me that at some times feels like it burns. It's funny how people miss what they never had. But maybe we're just missing some idealization... maybe a distortion of what really is. My coffee cup is now empty and I'm scowring the web for news and cool stuff I like. I also go on Facebook and check out what's happening. I check my email and ebay. Then I realize it's time for lunch. I get dressed (yes, at this point I'm still in my robe) and blow dry my hair. I get some soup and a sanduich... I gather my things, get in my car and split. As I drive to work I am listening to one of my favorite bands - the Violent Femmes. Blister in the Sun is one of the best songs ever! I'm driving, I light a cigarrete (wishing it was a doobie) and drive downtown smiling wishing I was 17 years old again with my hole life ahead of me. When we're young we always think we're gonna live forever and that we have all the time in the world... but now that I'm 34 years old I have come to the sad conclusion that we are in fact mortal, that we're not going to live forever and we certainly don't have all the time in the world. The truth is we have a very small window of time to get our shit together and our lives on the right track (the rigt track being the choice of the path we want to take). Too bad I had to realize all this too late. Because now it just seems pointless to try to fix shit from my past or try to (re)live situations I know can never be... At this point I'm driving into the school's parking lot at I start to think about the altircation I had with one of my students yesterday. It saddens me that a kid (and a class) with such potential for great things is just throwing it all away for the sake of being a smart-ass. It really pisses me off! And it also worries me. I sometimes stay awake at night wondering what will become of these kids because the world isn't giving out opportunities. How will they make it if even they have no hope at all? It's one thing to have hope and fight for what you want... but it's quite another when you don't even have the will or strenght to fight. It's fighting spirit vs broken spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that the world today is so much more harsh. It chews you up and spits you out over and over again. I park my car and walk to the cafeteria to grab another coffee... right now I need it to give me a much needed "kick" to get though the day. I have my coffee while watching the news and try to block out any thoughts. I just want to enjoy this coffee. I walk to the teacher's lounge and print out the work load for the day. The printer is ONCE AGAIN broken. I just give up and decide to write the whole exercize on the board. The bell rings... my heart races. I give myself this awesome speech in my head and tell myself I need to give it to my students... but when I walk into the classroom the words escape me. And I just start working with them and wwalk them through the exercizes. As I look around the classroom I think back to when I was they're age and in high-school. It sort of feel like I'm time travelling and I see myself looking back at me with that wild-eyed smirk I used to give my teachers. Anti-estabilishment spewing little know it all girl. That's who I was. I... I guess time broke me. And I ended up back at the town I swore never to return to as a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. I just sort of fell into it. But surprising enough I'm not that bad at it. I just wish I could infuse these kids with a little more motivation and fight. I would like to close my eyes and hear them say: "we will not go gentle into the nigh, we rage against the dying of the light and we shall win this fight!". But when I close my eyes all I hear is silence. So now the bell rings again and the kids scatter. I remain in my seat. The next class starts to walk in all wide-eyed and ready to get down to business. I love this class. They're really good kids. They always ask questions and do the best they can. And that's all I can ask of them. I just hope the world is merciful and gives them a fighting chance to reach their dreams. I am at my desk and I look around... the class room is so silent today. They're all very much absorved by the database assignment I gave them. But I also see some of them occasionaly checking facebook. What is up with that shit? Why is facebook so addicting? I wish there was someway to block it during class. I guess if it's just for a couple of minutes at a time it's not so bad. I just don't want them to fall into a cyber-world where they disconnect from everything else. Right now I just feel too tired to keep on fighting against that damned facebook! I just walked around the room asking them to turn the stupid thing off and continue the assignment. I have a huge headache and wish I was home. Everyday is the same as the last. Time passes as fast as a snail drags itself around. I see the IM blinking someone is trying to talk to me but I just stare at the blinking IM imagining all types of scenerios. Why would I do that? - you might ask... well... I have many contacts on my contact list but very few people I actually talk to. Which is the same as saying I have no actual friends. My cyber life matches my actual life - friendless, funless, loveless, hopeless. The next 30 minutes will pass excrutiatingly slow as the students struggle to finish today's assignment. I walk around and help them figure out what they didn't quite get. When I am busy with whatever time passes by a lot faster. But... in the other hand... it's not passing by fast enough. It's like I just want my life to be over so I can stop. I am so tired of constantly going through the motions. I just want it stop! One way or another. I just know I can't go on living this zombie-like existence where everyone ignores me and underestimates me. I am tired of people always making me feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough. I am so much better and smart than anyone gives me credit. I know I am. So is it that people feel the need to keep bringing me down? What is so threatening about me that they have to make me feel like crap all the time? The bell will ring soon and I'll be driving up to another school to teach first graders how to use computers. At 5 I'll pick up my kid from yet another school (he's in 5th grade) and we'll be heading home. He'll tell me all about his day and I'll give him advice. When we get home I'll help him with his homework (excep math... I'm no good at math; but he is, so we're golden). Then dinner, then some play time, then getting ready for bed and then sleepy time. I'll toss and turn around for a while. Watch Top Chef and Unsolved Mysteries. Fall asleep watching The Practice. And tomorrow it'll start all over again. By the way... the sound I woke up to was of some construction workers hammering away in my dad's coffee house. He rented it out to my oncle... again! So my miserable existence is about to get unbearable. This is my life.

The Key

I wish I was wet like water
so I could put out this fire
that burns my heart to a blister
to a point I almost expire.

I am not here. I don't exist anymore
I am just waisting air and space
caught in between by ghosts of before
that still wander around this place

they still live in my distorted mind
taunting, showing me what I can't have
and what I yearn and will never find
forever longing for my better half

I have waited for many long years
I have crossed oceans of time
and I've cut through all these tears
for someone that was never mine

I've been here waiting for tomorrow
but I know tomorrow never comes
at my broken door only knocks sorrow
and at his feet my heart succumbs

My thoughts are mine and mine alone
he wonders freely and lives in them
my love a mindless prison has become
and I am happily in there with him.

But these are mere delusions
nothing but dreams to make me smile
they are nothing but sweet illusions
to keep me happy just for a while

Truth and reality are harsh and cold
the real world always spits at me
and as time passes and I grow old
I have this yearning for him to see

The whole world through my eyes
and how much he means to me
no matter how fast time flies
he will always have the key...

Freak

I wish I could say what I feel
and feel what I say
I wish I knew what's real
home is where I lay

and where I lay is a broken home
I am nothing and nothing you see
all the bitterness may come
like it is now before me

nothingness always remains
and sorrow will subside
binding me like chains
stripping me of all pride

pluck this love from my chest
I don't want it anymore
I don't want second best
like I've settled for before

I want to be able to smile again
I want to burst out into song
I want to have more than one friend
I want to feel like I belong...

Then I'd be normal like you
I would no longer be a freak
I'd know what to say or do
and I'd be someone to keep.

But I am that lonely freak
living my life without a clue
I never want to stand and speak
Because all I think of is you.

In Dreams

All the pretty colors
floating in my head
like whispers of others
that live far ahead

drug induced numbness
doesn't hide the pain
of failed happiness
that I relive once again

and with damp eyes
I wake each day
envying other lives
and words I want to say

In dreams I get caught
emprisoned by silent screams
fighting ghosts I've fought
once before in other dreams

but dreams become nightmares
and everything seems useless
you work through all the dares
only to realize life became pointless

then you slowly awake
and with eyes wide open
you feel like a big fake
you feel like you're broken

You sit still for a while
even though you're aching
you wish you could smile
but inside you're breaking

And in dreams you fall
sucked in to another world
where you're never small
and you have a soul...

Maybe this one time
you'll fight the nightmare
your smile will shine
and he'll actually care...

Moving On

I am walking away. I need to move forward to the next stage. I can't hold myself back anymore. You've moved on and I just got stuck here... left behind. I know you had to go... there's so many things I want you know but I don't have to say it or explain it because you already know. I guess I've never moved on because I never got the chance to say goodbye. If I could back in time I'd tell you all the things I was affraid to tell you back then. But looking back I think you've always known... and now I'm left with a ton of doubt. But I've decided to let go of all of it and just move on because there's really nothing else I can do. I've poured my heart out to you and I guess that's it. Now starts the healing process...

Paper Doll

I'm a paper doll waiting to live
watching as life passes me by
Wondering what I have to give
Living this paper-cut lie...

your name popped up on the wire
and I awoke to unspoken desire
I fall and get down on my knees
to be free of this chronic disease

but it's way too late
you're stuck on me like glue
and it's hard to wait
while my world is askew

I'm living in a slow swirl
I've been waiting forever
living in a different world
I've been waiting for never

But I'm still stuck here
in the paper house I built
keeps blowing away by fear
while I'm drowning in guilt

My whole life has been a mistake
it's always been a big disaster
I never allowed myself to awake
I never could find an answer

I'm a master of losing you
I'm great at messing up
I never could see what's true
I never really could catch up

And now I'm misplaced
I don't know what to do
I feel so disgraced
still in love with you

I'm a paper doll blowing in the wind
I close my eyes and hope for the best
everything I do comes on a whim
I just want it stop so I can rest

Standing Still

I've always been a nervous young thing jumping from bed to bed looking for second best. No one in the whole world knows how hard I've tried to settle for second best... but second best was never quite good enough. There was always something missing. Thoughts of you wandered through my mind through the years and they were enough to make me smile for a while. The nervous monster in me has faded away. I am a very calm low key person now. My broken heart and sometimes mangled body have changed me. The pain and harm I inflicted upon myself has destroyed the nervousness I had inside. But it also put out the light in my eyes... The lively loud girl is no longer around... I am so very different from the person I used to be. But thoughts of you still remain, still making me smile. Words spoken echo in my head... I sometimes find myself giving endless speaches imagining what I should have said, how I should have been, how it could have been... I live in a world of fantasies. I am a rock slowly being eroded by time, words, laughter, actions. And the people around me are paper dolls being blown away by the wind. I remain alone slowly fading while other are blown away towards better and bigger things. The pains of loneliness are far greater than the joys my occasional smiles bring me. I am a nameless face in a sea of someone else's memories. At night in my bed I drift off thinking of fantastic ways to escape this prison I built for myself. I fall asleep and dream of a world of possibilities. But when the clock goes off it starts all over again. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm stuck and I can't move. I close my eyes waiting for the world to change when I open them. But when I do open them everything is different but me. I remain the same rock watching the paper dolls blowing away in the wind... smilling and waving... and I am left helpless and sad and alone. I am standing still waiting for another tomorrow.

Come Back

Through songs and sighs
I plea for you to come home
you know how time flies
and it seems to roam

It takes you everywhere but here
and I'm still alone
waiting for you to appear
but you don't...

staring out my window
on a sunday afternoon
the sun is setting so slow
making way for the moon

and the loneliness it brings
while life is passing me by
seems like all of my feeling
turned to goodbye...

my heart is a block of ice
that only you can melt
I'm tired of rolling life's dice
hiding what I've always felt

alone in my bed I wonder
what are you doing now
my heart beats as thunder
you heard it somehow...

It calls for you through the night
pleading for you to come back
and bring with you light
before my heart cracks.

I wait for you but you don't come
all my efforts were pointless
I'm coming undone
drowning in loneliness...

Talk To Me

when the world seems to end
when you feel like you can't mend
talk to me...

if you're heart is breaking
if you're soul is aching
talk to me...

when you're all alone
and feel like you're undone
talk to me...

when people bring you down
and you feel like leaving town
talk to me...

when the rain falls on you
and you're feeling blue
talk to me...

if you're tears don't fall
and you have no one to call
talk to me...

I will always be you're friend
untill the world comes to an end
so talk to me...
talk to me...

Forever You

I have an itch on my back
that no one can scratch
but you...

I have a hole in my heart
that tears me apart
and it's you...

I keep all these secrets
while my heart beats
for you...

My screams are silence
I lose my balance
because of you...

the minutes turn to hours
and I'm turning sour
waiting for you...

and I'm crying in the dark
as my soul embarks
in search of you...

my heart bursts in the air
you were not aware
it's always been you...

But now you can see
that it will always be
forever you...

happiness can wait

So now that the cat's out of the bag
I find myself at a stand-still
I feel like an old used up rag
hoping for just one last thrill...

Today my heart seems small
I pretend that the hurt is gone
but you and I know it's not gone at all
everything I thought right is wrong

Because you don't see me
in the same light that I see you
and now I don't know how to be
I am waiting for your queue...

and happiness can wait
it's waited this long and this far
my love has no expiration date
no matter where you are...

I know that now I have to be strong
as I've done throughout the years
and it never mattered how long
I cried all of these lonely tears

Because now you know... now you know
that this heart only ever beats for you
and even if there is no tomorrow
now you know what I've gone through

I'm still living in another world
waiting for you to knock on the door
waiting for your soothing words
like you whispered to me before

But happiness can wait this time
because surely you don't feel the same
but you'll always be on my mind
softly whispering your name...

the boy with the green eyes

They say love conquers all... but what does unrequited love conquer? Nothing but sorrow, a loss of feeling and sense of self. I've spent most of my life trying to get over you but every time I think I am doing fine memories and thoughts of you come creeping in like the sun seeping in through the blinds of my window. In times of great sorrow you are always with me, in my thoughts. I never had the courage to tell you how I feel because I wanted to grow up. But the truth is I am grown up but these feelings remain. I sometimes tell myself they're nothing but a sweet fantasy I created to keep me going. Other times I am frustrated because I would like the fantasy to be reality. When I am around you I can't stop smiling and when I look in your green eyes nothing else exists... it's like you and I are the only ones in the world. Your smile alone keeps me going on for days... when you speak to me happiness seems possible. But I dare not ever talk about any of this with you or anyone else. I know such feelings couldn't possibly be reciprocal so I just live each day and dream of you at night. I have know idea what the hell I am thinking most of the time. I never know where or what life will bring. But the one thing that remained constant throughout my life is this aching inside me, this silent love I hold in my heart. I have changed inside and out. Nineteen years have passed! But you remain... I am forever the teenager who feel in love with the boy with the green eyes...

standing in the shadows

Painkillers to numb the pain
sleeping pills to knock me out
pills to keep anxiety away
valium to calm me down
I am a zombie jacked up on meds
I close my eyes and numbness sets in
I wonder what goes through their heads
and on my face a sickly grin
rips through my altered face
junkie eyes staring back at you
weird senseless words spoken
and you still haven't a clue
as to why I am so broken...
The boy with the green eyes
is the boy I dream of
he haunts me and lives in my sighs
as the only perfect love.
But he has no idea who I am
the girl I was is long gone
I am now a woman and he a man
but none of us have won...
I can't deal with hardship
so I hide behind my pills
my quivering upper lip
while time stills
and guilt possesses me
for being such a coward
I only wish you could see
that I tried real hard
but couldn't walk
I am silence
I can't talk
I can't stand my own presence
so I stand in shadows
trying to push through
and no one knows
not even you
how much pain
lives within me
driving me insane
as I long to be free
but I am a pool of meds
trying to get by
watching how darnkess spreads
and waving goodbye...

backwards

You're echoing words
keep picking at my soul
I am living life backwards
The dumbest love in the world
And it does not explain how
I always go back for more
the pain that I feel now
is harder than the pain I felt before
I live in old memories
and thoughts of how I wish it would be
great epic love stories
all a big fantasy
that I must decline
still the voice inside roars
you were never mine
but I am forever yours...

Y

built up anxiety
long stored misery
shun from society
lost sobriety
have no propriety
faces are blurry
hands are blistery
in need of coffee
to cross that boundary
stumbling and deadly
pushing through free
words mumbled falsly
from a mouth so filthy
mistaken for flirty
disposition of a funny
man others see as godly
side-swept glory
decisions made hastely
I live like a gypsy
roaming humbly
trying to be free
but I'm a love junkie
sad and lonely and messy
brainwashed and loopy
always his groupie
tickling his belly
following him blindly
always the mantled bounty
all the baggage I carry
he gave to me happily
I'm alive but just barely
waiting to be free...

I wish I felt nothing

So... I know that lately I've been a bit depressing. I guess the years of running around with scissors have taken a toll. I am oficially depressed. I find myself wondering what the point is all the time. It's hard waking up in the morning and trying to think of reasons to get out of bed... or even a good reason to explain your own existence. It also doesn't help when you feel the world is against you: your family nag, you're never quite what they wanted you to be. You don't fit the mold they wanted to shape you to. The people you work with don't understand you and most the times ignore you. But you're fine with that because you know they're just a bunch of twats that couldn't come up with an original idea if it hit them on the face in the form of a fart. Your love life is inexistent. You've lost all hope of ever finding your "soul mate" (whatever the fuck that is! I think TV brainwashed us into thinking that there is such a thing with all the romantic comedies that suck balls) so you basicly don't leave the house anymore because you feel it's pointless. Why go out to a bar or whatever just to get hit on by drunks and perverts that want to get in your pants? No thank you! I have better things to do with my saturday night, thank you very much! And it includes my pajamas, chocolate and a movie. With all this hitting me at once I guess I'm just trying to find a way to deal with the fact that happiness is (or was) just an illusion. It was right in front of me a couple of times but it always goes up in smoke. And you're left behind with a shattered version of yourself that you try to put back together but you know that some pieces are hard to find and glue back together. Everytime you shatter a little piece gets lost and eventually you'll get to a point when you realize that the hole is way to big to cover up so you experiment different ways to keep people from seeing who you really are right now. I think back to my life and to where and who I am now and I came to the conclusion that I am a very good actress... I've always adapted to every situation life threw at me. I've had to reinvent myself so many times that I can't quite figure out who to be now. Who am I? One thing I know... I am the weird girl standing in the corner waiting for someone to notice her and talk to her. But that never happens. So I'm at this point that I'm alone, I have no friends, no one knows me and nobody gets the chance to bolt on me. But still there's some kind of storm or hurricane of emotions waiting to explode. I feel angry, sad, melancholic, left behind... I feel like I'm no good, that I have no use and nobody needs me... I see and hear beauty and it's so hard to bare sometimes. There's no use saying "brace yourself" because whatever hits you, it hits you so hard that you're never prepared. And then your life changes forever. The person you could have been is lost forever and you sometimes get glimpses of her (or him) in your dreams. And when you wake up it all starts again...

the boredom of being numb

It's been a couple of years since I felt like myself. I can say with certainty that I've been numbed b y all the shit that life threw at me. I think of life as one sick bitchy moneky throwing it's excrement at anyone passing by. Most people are aware that the bitchy monkey is going to throw shit at them but as usual I am the weird chick always looking at something else and not taking care or noticing the shit being thrown at me untill it hits me. So... I am covered in monkey shit right now. With all this excrement life as decided to make of my path I gained a very useful tool: numbing out the pain. I numb myself to anything bad. It's like I'm a robot and I have an on/off switch. So much so that I broke it and now it's constantly off. So now I'm this numbed out freakish girl that can't smile and that no one wants to hang out with. I am the freak who doesn't feel. The flesh and bone robot that life and society made. I so fought against becoming this person but in the end... they won. But I must confess that a little bit of the wild child is still buried deep inside and sometimes comes out to freak out the fucking conformist assholes who put me on a working-class zombie leash. I have a lot of anger rooted deep within and I'm afraid that one day I'll explode and it'll come oozing out soiling everyone around me... and won't that be a pretty sight! It'll be a big fucking slap of a smile on my face! But for now I am this numb little shadow of the person I once thought I'd be... I'm a cheap version of the person I was meant to be. I have been so numb for so long that it just got boring. And you know what? There is nothing worst in the whole wide world than boredom. Boredom is death. I have to break through this fucking wall I put up but I have no idea where to begin... I know, I know... I should begin with the begining. But the truth is I don't know where the begining begins and where the end ends... I can't make heads and tails of my life so I just set it on cruise control and have become one sick puppy just going along with the ride life or fate or whatever it is programmed for me. Maybe I should fucking punch the cruise control out until it short circuits and take control of this shity life myself. Because... you know what? I can't really screw up more than I already have. So I guess I'll just put aside this fear of failure and give it a go. As Muad'Dib (the movie Dune - which else?) said: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

New Year: giving in to fate

I have been silent for quite some time. A new year has come and I find myself standing still. I am forever doomed and bound to this place. A puppet for these people. The smile that once my lips formed has been smacked from my face by fate. The light in my eye has been snuffed by circumstance. The sounding laughter silenced by a bleek future. My shape is not my own anymore. I have given the reign of my life to destiny. I am not myself anymore. This is what the new year brought me: an understanding... an awareness. You can't fight fate. It's pointless! It's like fighting against the strong current of the sea: eventually your arms will tire and you will stop fighting. You will accept your fate. I accept mine. So I don't know if I'll keep on writting because I find that there really isn't a point... I have succumbed to fate and have no will to keep on fighting it. That is what the new year taught me. There is no "hopefully", "eventually" or "maybe". I have no more imagined paths to write to let me keep on clinging to hope. There are no more dreams left within me to share. My imagination as died. My soul withered. My lips are numb and my fingers to dry and cold to keep on writting passionate make-believe stories. There are no happy endings. You are born naked and alone... and to the after life you are sent naked and alone. The in between is pointless and cruel. Too painful to recall. Better left unsaid as untouched versions of the truth. I don't pretend to know everything. Actually I think I know nothing... I just woke this new year with a sense that something inside me as finally broken... after everything I've been trhough it was the glimpse of another pointless new year that finally brought me to my knees. The past 5 years I've felt like I am standing still while the rest of the world is pushing forward at a speed that is mind-numbing painful and blinding. Everything, everyone I held dear moved on. I don't know if it is I who couldn't move on with them or if they just left me behind. I guess maybe a little bit of both. I know I am stuck but I don't know why... I want to move forward but I can't. There is no sane explanation as to why I won't allow myself to push on. I am tired... tired and worn out. We are two days into the new year and I am feeling more tired than ever I did before. Maybe my giving in to fate will put my mind at ease and allow me some rest.