Last day of the month

Today is the last day of February... I don't quite know why but I am feeling a bit restless. The weather is kind of weird... it's like it hasn't made it's mind up... it doesn't quite know if it should rain or shine. I don't know what to do either... about anything! I don't know if I should by a new car or not... I don't know if I should go away for the weekend or not... I don't know if I should move out of my parents' house or not... I don't even know how to be! I don't quite feel like myself... I am starting to think I never knew who I really am. Existencial crap like this is starting to affect me and my hability to be in synch with myself. Reality is not what I expected. The real world keeps biting me in the ass. The truth is that nothing turned out like I planned. Abdolutely nothing! Is that karma? Or just bad choices? I guess I'll never know for sure... All I know is that I have to wake up everyday and live. And so I do... Does it take courage? I don't know... it is what it is.

someday...

I woke up this morning thinking about a song I haven’t thought about in a long time. In fact, this song is part of a movie soundtrack. The movie is P.S. I love you. That particular movie made me cry like a little bitch. The movie is great but the song I already knew. I’ve always liked the Pogues… ever since I can think of myself has a person. That song hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time and yet this morning there it was… picking at my brain… making me feel… feelings I had locked safely in a small box… but like Pandora taught us, nothing can be kept locked in a box forever… things always come out. Even feelings. Even my feelings. I had to teach myself not to feel. And I had succeeded so well that I started to think of myself as a robot or some sort of invisible being. But now… this morning… this song… it brought a flood of emotion and I can’t stop it. I want to cry, laugh, scream, whisper all at the same time! I want to close my eyes and feel someone touching my cheek… I want to feel someone’s fingers through my hair. I want to feel! I want to feel something! Anything! Why am I so scared of feeling? I know it’s stupid… but I’m scared the same thing will happen again. And what is that thing? The thing is I always allow myself to feel… and that feeling grows… and it grows… and it grows… and the other person doesn’t feel… the other person is just having fun… and then I implode and end up in pieces. I don’t think I’ll be able to put all the pieces back together again this time. I already lost so many pieces… I guess that’s why I am staying in the shadows. But I’m sure I’ll feel again. Maybe not now… maybe not next year… but someday. :)

Sometimes you need an extra sink... LOL

I'm holding out for this... and I won't take anything less!

loneliness...

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I was depressed... at first I thought I was depressed because I am alone. But when I got home from work and listened to some music I soon realized that I am depressed because I am lonely. I am always surrounded by people but I feel like I am the only person in the world. I gave up on love a while ago. I know that there is no one out there for me. How could there be? I am so out of wack that even I know it'll be impossible to find my match. But it's all good. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is having no friends. That's the hole I am desperately trying to fill. But how can I make friends when all the people here are so diferent? Actually... I'm the odd duckling around these parts: I wear tshirts and jeans... and docmartens. I listen to rock n' roll. I love horror movies. I like to talk about technology. My computer is an extension of my body. I love playing guitar and singing. I like to hang out and tell dirty jokes while drinking mojitos or some other nice little alcoholic drink. I don't drink and drive though. I always get someone to drive me home or I just stay in and have friends over... actually, that was before I moved to this God forsaken town! How can I make any friends if all the people here look down on me? I am not interesting to them and neither are they interesting to me. So I stay home... I surf the web and do my own thing... by myself. Thus the loneliness... I have to get away for a weekend... SOON! I'll have to plan that out with my sister. She still lives in my old town. It is so painful that I couldn't find a damned job back there... but it was a choice between making something of myself or just scrape up what little money I made jumping fro job to job... it was an easy choice - I chose to make a life for myself in a town I hate. Maybe someday I can retire and move back to the city by the sea I love and miss so much. In the meantime, I have vacations to look forward to. I have to start planning monthly visits too. I can't live like this anymore. I am starting to feel like a robot that's about to lose meaning. I feel like I am starting to lose relevance and slowly turning invisible. I guess friends make everything better... and I miss my friends.

See...

...misterious misery fell upon me
my life is not my own anymore
I look back and a broken door
that leads to a distant memory
is all I can see...

I am not where I want to be
I am not who I am
I am one of the damned
What they see is not me
but it's all they are able to see...

The night in me is now dawn
Day will never again come
Because the day is also gone
playful night and warm sun
are both taken from me
But no one else can see...

The fire in me is put out
I am weary, tired
and cannot shout
I'm no longer wired
that's what life's about
and only now I can see...

From my ashes nothing shall rise
because people don't chase myths
All I have left is a slow demise
a memory of wanting bliss
is all I want to see...

I am the walking dead
my body lives but my spirit dies
the memories kept in my head
echo in my silent cries
you can see them in my eyes...