dream... of the perfect guy

"the dream" - by pablo picasso

…and he walked towards me surrounded by a mist of sandalwood. Oh, how his smell drove me mad! How his voice penetrated deep inside me seeping in through every pore of my skin echoing inside me making me explode in silent ecstasy. He is perfection itself if I dare say so myself. I always dreamt of a man with a three day old beard, who loves led zeppelin as much as I do and smells of sandalwood… I wish this past paragraph was true… But the truth is that he doesn’t exist. He never did walk towards me. And I never did find him nor hope to. I dream of him often and how we would meet. And how animalistic our passion would be and yet he would be gentle and kind and loving… the perfect man: rough and sweet. A demon in the sack but respectful towards women. An animal and a gentleman. I guess I expect too much from anyone. But I can dream… and this dream is all I have left. But if you do exist… come out, come out where ever you are!

Ode to lost loved ones

Kurt Cobain said that it's better to burnout than fade away... He got it wrong! A person that's plucked too soon from the lives of their loved ones is forever missed. It changes people. It's like you lose a part of yourself... like an arm. You feel it was there but you no longer have it. It's gone forever. And no matter how you cut it things will never be the same without the so-called arm. It's selfish to want to leave this world in a blaze without having to feel pain because the ones you leave behind are forever left in numbing pain that never goes away. I would rather go through pain and agony and prepare my loved ones for my departure than to leave them behind with such pain...

It is a great shock when God plucks someone from this world without notice... it leaves me thinking if there even is a God. And if there is what the hell is He thinking? Does He have a list he screws up once and a while and tries to cover up His mistakes without hearing the grieving parties? What is His deal? Sometimes it's just too hard for me to understand this world, this universe... People say He has a plan... what kind of plan is it? Starving half the worl while the other half is fat and swims in riches? Plaguing some countries and awarding others? Taking away a family's father and leaving behind pedophiles, rapists and murderers? What is up with that? I am very pissed at God right now... if I ever do meet Him face to face I will ask Him all these questions... I want to know what kind of "plan" it is He has... and these mysterious ways I hear about... They say miracles happen but I haven't seen nor heard of any lately. I feel like this world is hell... this life we live is true hell! That is how I feel about things right now... I've been trying real hard to look at the bright side of things, to see goodness in people and to see beauty in all things but it's getting impossible every day to keep positive thinking when God comes up with such "plans"...

My grandmother died a couple of years ago... but I still miss her like crazy. I think about her all the time and remember her every day. I sometimes even see her in my bathroom late at night like when she was alive and never turned on the light so she could save on the electric bill... and I used to turn on the light and there she was on the toilet... she always gave me a scare and we laughed about it everytime. I remember all the advice she gave me about life... and I miss her so much... I am crying right now because her absence still hurts so much. I wish she was here so she could give me advice... some words of her infinite wisdom. I can't even start to imagine what it is to lose a father... I don't want to imagine what those little girls are feeling right now. All that they'll miss... it is just so unfair. I can't deal... I'll never accept or understand this "plan" God has.

Love's last sigh

What if...?

The world is filled with "what ifs?...": "What if I had done this? What if I had done that? What if I had gone that way? What if I had gone nowhere?"... I usually never ask myself any of the "What if?..." questions but today I found myself drowning in them! A past love flickering away in the back of my head triggering old memories and feelings... I am feeling haunted and spent all afternoon asking myself "What if...?": I know most of you would say: "Fuck the what if! Go out there and find out!"... I would normally jump in with both feet but it's an impossible situation... my "What if...?" will forever remain an unanswered question eating away at the core of my being, haunting me with every breath and every kiss I give to another... I still haven't figured out how to let go and say goodbye... I thought I had but this flicker of an old flame as left me unhinged and distraught... and asking myself: "What if...?"

Doubt thou, the stars...

Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.