last flowers - radiohead

I love this song... :)

treasure - the cure

I can stand on my own...

I am serene... I stand on my own two feet and I don't need another person to validate my existence. I can be happy by myself and my friends will keep me company... if not, I will get a cat. I can sit in absolute silence and not feel feel afraid or lonely. I can dance in the rain and not wait for someone to bring me a towel... I will get my own. I don't need anyone to laugh at my jokes because I already know they're funny. I don't need anyone to listen to me sing because I have my friend Jisas and he always listens! I don't need someone to read my poetry and tell me that it's great because it's not about being great, it's about pouring out my soul. I never did need anyone to hold back my hair as I puke my guts out because I'm shitfaced (I never did get that plastered and I have really short hair...). I don't need someone to rub my neck when I'm sore, I can take a pill or rub it myself. I don't need anyone to take a bubble bath with and talk about trivialities... I can take a bath on my own and sing to myself and I have the internet to talk to people about anything. I really don't need to get my heart broken over and over again because of all the lies people tell me. I can watch the world news for that... I don't need anyone to talk me to sleep because I can fall asleep watching the discovery channel. I don't need someone to tell me everything's going to be alright because I already know it can't get any worse... things can only get better. I don't need you to ask how my show was and I don't need you to tell me I look nice. I don't need you to ask me how I am and I don't even need you on my contact list anymore. Actually, I don't need you at all! You're just a memory... not a bad one and not a good one... just a memory (that'll fade away with time).

TOMORROW - SATURDAY NIGHT

Don't Miss IT!!!

Tomorrow, saturday night... at 11 p.m. Lola Katz (me) & Rui Damião (my friend Jisas) playing live at Espaço Performas in Aveiro! Don't miss this acoustic session cuz it's going to be pretty groovy, my friends!

WE ROCK

\m/ \m/

Bored on a train...

painting by Frida Kahlo

I've been pretty out of it this past week... I've found out some things... well... I had a bit of drama in my life these past weeks that made me realize a number of things about myself... and my life. I realized that I've made some (really) bad decisions, bad choices that I can't take back. I can learn from my mistakes (and how I did learn!) and try to move on. I'm trying to figure out the equation for happiness... but it's a bitch! It's really hard! And I've always been terrible at math... I've always functioned on a trial by error basis but it hasn't been working very well... I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board... start all over. I need a fresh perspective. I really need a vacation! I need to get away from this mind-crippling routine... My mind is tired... so tired that I keep making all these bad choices! I date the wrong person over and over again... I let myself get destroyed over and over again because I keep letting myself ease in to stupid situations that have no hope of ever developing into something... well... what is it they call it? "more"? Yeah... that's it... into something more. Maybe, in my subconcious mind, that's really what I'm aiming for - nothing! It's no big deal, though... because now that I've figured out I've been sabotaging myself I can now actually lay back and think more about all this shit... and try to make the right decisions. :) It's a step forward, I guess... hopefully... I'll wait and see. I guess I was always to scared of being alone... or dying alone... maybe I was just lonely. Or maybe it was all of those... Maybe I'm just an idiot! Or maybe I'm just terribly bored... The truth is... I don't actually feel "blue" that it was all a big fat LIE... I'm actually pretty angry and mortified for letting myself fall into such a bad situation... I'm smarter than that... anyway... that's all I'm feeling right now... and, like I said... it's back to the drawing board... Right now, the only thing that worries me is: "can I actually feel anything anymore?". And I ask myself this because I dismiss all this "crap" that would usually make a pretty nasty dent on any normal person and... on myself... it hardly even bothered me... it made me feel sick, of course... but it didn't make me cry or die of a broken heart... maybe I'm somewhat of an emotional ironman (in my case, ironwoman). I guess my heart has been broken so many times that I don't have one to break anymore... I still don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Maybe it's bad, I guess. I feel like I reinvented myself so many times I lost myself in the darkness... I don't know who I am anymore... I only know the small stuff: I like pasta, chocolate, I play the guitar and sing, I write some poetry, I like jackson pollock and van gogh, I love led zeppelin and linda perry, love horror movies and I love my friends and family. That's pretty much what's consistent in my life... And now I found myself thinking "Do I actually need more?"... Maybe not... but the truth about humanity is that we're never happy with whatever it is we have... we always want more.

ocean

I hear the ocean... it pours out of my heart and floods the world... drowning you in it! And it washes all the evil away...

Listen to this song... it totally underlines what I'm feeling right now.

nothingness...

Nothing can help me now... the things that gave me pleasure before can't help me now... Writting doesn't help... reading doesn't distract me... food lost all taste... bubble baths don't make me smile... drinking doesn't numb the pain anymore... playing the guitar doesn't help either... singing hurts and my voice is distorted from crying... there is no confort, only nothingness...

My friends tell me I look like death. I feel like death... I can feel it's breath on my neck... the hair on the back of my head stands up everytime I think of you - it's death breathing down my neck! You brought only sorrow, disease and death... how could I have been so wrong? I consider myself a pretty intelligent person... I should have been able to read the signs... I should have known better... I'm an idiot! How will I ever recover? How will I ever mend? I'm tired of everyone's lies... Even the lies I tell or told myself... I can't stand it anymore! It's too much shit to deal with! I can't deal with this crap anymore! I just want to go back in time and take it all back... I wish I could do that... there's nothing in this world that I want more but to erase all this fucking shit! I just want to scream! Scream at myself for being such a stupid naive little girl!

But hey... I'm a survivor! Nothing will keep down on the ground for too long... Don't get me wrong... I'm not sick with love... I'm sick of all the revolting lies I was fed... night after night after night... and I gobbled them all up like a good little (naive) girl... how stupid of me! I wanted so much to be happy that I ended up kicking myself in the ass instead...

I have all these mixed feelings inside of me... their all screwed up, all tangled up... so fucked up... I don't actually know what I'm really feeling... maybe I'm not feeling a thing... maybe I'm just numb from all the fucked up crap I lived throughout my life... maybe this last piece of crappy history was a sort of wake up call... a way for me to remember all the shit I was dealt untill know... when will the good things start happening? Will I be stuck in this loop of nothingness forever?

numb again...

Tired

Frustrated

Sad

Jaded

Angry

Worthless

Lost

Broken

Weak

Crying

Blind

Numb again

Dead...

Never Been In Love...

You were always too scared to be alone, to stand on your own without a "sidekick", to have no one to talk to... and that's why I think you've never actually been in love, because fear was always your guide. You never alowed your heart to be trully open to the possibility of love. I know this because I was also dominated by the same fears as you... but I learnt how to live on my own and thus my heart slowly let love creep in. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love... with you. But your fears still dominate you and so I guess there's no hope for us... there won't be a time for us... There's nothing left... no heart, no fear, no hopes nor dreams... only the moon. I watch the moon from my window and try to hold on to the thought that maybe somewhere out there you're also looking up at it and thinking of me. The stars shine and the angel I once knew has fallen from grace... this angel is tottaly lost and can't find his way. So tonight I shall light a candle to guide him through this dark and everlasting night he finds himself in. I hope that someday he'll realize that it wasn't an illusion... that everything was in fact real.

And so, at 31, I find myself realizing that I finally learnt what love is all about... I thought I was empty and unable of feeling anything... but I was wrong... Hey! maybe someday I can love again... who knows? Or maybe not all is lost... Maybe the angel might find his way in the end...

Dance with Death

The weekend brought heartache and Death is knocking at my door once more... Happiness sent it away for a brief period of time but Happiness got bored and went on it's way... she said she had places to be and people to see... She grew tired of me too much, too fast. And so, as you stomped my heart of glass and breaking it into a thousand million pieces that I won't ever put back together again, Death came knocking... I haven't let it in yet because I am still holding on to Hope... a small child usually playful and cheery... but now scared I might stop fighting and finally let Death in...

Death has been circling around my door for a long time... but Apathy and Numbness have managed to keep it at bay... But now... Now that Sorrow is here it'll be easier for Death to make it's way in my trembling house... this old house that was once colorful and happy... a perfect palace... and is now decayed and empty and cold... weary! Broken! I am broken... my heart is broken... I will never mend... and as I dive deeper into Sorrow's eyes, he mesmerizes me, he pulls me in and makes me want to dance with Death... Death is a whore! She loves everyone! She wants to seduce me once more... She wants me to open my door... The words she whispers are enticing and confusing... like a sea siren calling out to the seamen and causing their deaths... My teary eyes can take no more of this pain... it's like a thousand pins have been pushed through my heart all at once and at the same time. And as the blood pours out of me, the tears fall out of me like waterfalls... sad and unexplored waterfalls... The loss of blood should make me week... and it does at some point make my body feel week... but my eyes can't stop the tears from falling... and they fall... and fall... eternally fall... An everlasting pain... Sorrow is imortal... it can only disappear if Death is let in... That is why Sorrow is here... it wants to end it's own misery by letting in Death. But I am tired of fighting... Maybe I should just let go and dance with that whore Death...

I once said I would fight 'till my last breath... but you know what? I just want to lay down and give in because it's getting harder and harder to breathe...

Sea of Love

Come with me
My love
To the sea
The sea of love

I want to tell you
how much
I love you

Do you remember
When we met
That's the day
I knew you were my pet

I wanna tell you
how much
I love you

Come with me
To the sea...of lo-ve

Do you remember
When we met
That's the day
I knew you were my pet

I wanna tell you
How much
I love you

forever more

I miss you so much

but you're always with me

in my lonely thoughts

running wild and free...

Set me free from all this sorrow

Take me away from all this madness

when I am safe in your arms

I forget all of my sadness...

You chased away all this death

with only one perfect kiss

Your smile is my breath,

it's my eternal bliss...

I close my eyes and breathe you in

like the moist air of the sea

I live in a dream and don't want to wake

I feel alive when you're with me.

And when we are apart

a dark cloud hangs over my head

but I close my eyes

and remember all you said...

Your words bring me light

on the darkest night

You wipe my tears with your fingertips

and you kiss my quivering lips

And I feel loved

like never before

And that's why I will love you

forever more...

heaven tonight

I saw heaven in his eyes so true

cutting through the darkness tonight

bringing shame to the fairest stars

because his is the brightest light

He burnt his name on my soul

without leaving any scars

He changed my empty world

when he held me in his arms...

And love will last forever

I want to believe!

Take hold of me like a fever!
I know you belong to me...

You filled the whole in my heart

with feelings I never knew before

And with each day that passes

I love you even more...

I open my new eyes

once blinded by lies

Now they see you

looking in your eyes so true...

I think sometimes

you're an angel sent from above

to pluck me from sadness

and show me how to love...

Looking now at the full moon

I realize you're all I think of

The first thing I think when

I wake up is

"when will I see you?"

and the last thing I think

as I fall asleep is

how much I love you...

Your Eyes

When I look into your eyes

I see timeless beauty

that moves through the night,

A world only I can see...

And when I fall asleep

you move in me...

Diving in deep

setting yourself free...

This feeling compels us,

it's too strong to ignore.

My world bursts out in color

Like it never has before

your arms open a door

to a lost kingdom...

and as I walk throught it

all my fears shed away

like layers of clothes

I throw away...

your hands on my skin

are like electricity

reviving my dead body...

My heart is about to burst

by the overload of feeling

that you brought

overruling any other thought.

And now in my arms

all is well, all is perfect

your smile disarms

all of my madness...

Falling asleep by candlelight

I think to myself that

I never felt true love

until this night...

happy

Tired
Sleepy
Sore
Dreamy
Anxious
Longing
Wanting
Missing...
...HAPPY!

back to life

the soft hands of happiness
reach to me through the night
and turn my skin to silk...
A perfect smile is born
and my face rejoices
through the pale light
that gleams from scented candles.
Love was always hard
but now comes easy...
I lose myself in your eyes
and all around me
there's a sound
that fills my heart
where there once was a whole
the size of the world...
I feel week in the knees
as that sound fills me...
I close my eyes
to breathe in your smell
as I touch your skin...
The way you make me feel
is all new to me...
Your voice is that sound
and you whisper to me
as I fall asleep
in your warm embrace
that brought me back to grace
and back to life...

I Want to be...

...Be the kind of woman that

when your feet hit the floor

each morning

the devil says:

"oh crap, she's up!"

here comes my girl

You know, sometimes, I don't know why,
But this old town just seems so hopeless.
I ain't really sure, but it seems I remember the good times
Were just a little bit more in focus.
But when she puts her arms around me,
I can, somehow, rise above it.
Yeah man, when I got that little girl standing right by my side,
You know, I can tell the whole wide world, "Shove it,"
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.
Every now and then, I get down to the end of a day,
I'll have to stop, ask myself, "What've I done?"
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard,
And nothin' ever really seem to come from it.
And then she looks me in the eye, says, "We gonna last forever,"
And man, you know I can't begin to doubt it.
No, because this feels so good and so free and so right,
I know we ain't never goin' change our minds about it.
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.
Yeah, everytime it seems like there ain't nothin' left no more,
I find myself havin' to reach out and grab hold of somethin'.
Yeah, I just catch myself wanderin', waitin', worryin'
About some silly little things that don't add up to nothin'.
And then she looks me in the eye, says, "We gonna last forever,"
And man, you know I can't begin to doubt it.
No, because this feels so good and so free and so right,
I know we ain't never goin' change our minds about it.
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.